Willow Tree

My Sock Drawer is a Mess

2010-08-31T22:43:00.008-05:00

On a number of levels I used to be a Stepford Wife. We were those perfect, plastic people in church. The house was immaculate, the children were quiet... and I was miserable.

After sharing 1 bedroom with my children for 17 months, our new 3 bedroom apartment is still Disneyland. Most everything has been unpacked, art is on the walls. The kicker is, my sock drawer is a downright mess.

X's stint in the Army taught me how to military roll and press clothing, by nature I am a bit OCD and still fight the urge for perfection. But we live here. This is home. And while Better Homes & Gardens does their best to insinuate the pictures on their glossy pages are real, I know better. Home is a haven. A soft place to land. Not a sterile museum where things, or people, should be looked at but never touched, seen but never heard.

Sure there's a few piles that need to be put back into storage. I still crave organization, but for convenience. Every time I get dressed I am reminded that the little people in my home matter more. Than anything.

I've decided to mess up the sock drawer of my life. New and old friends, music, passions I closed off years ago. I'm not perfect, never really was. Difference is now, I don't want to be.

Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, O Lord Almighty, my King and my God. (Psalm 84:3)

It's a Beautiful Disaster,
Carolynn

He Sings to Me

2010-08-13T06:51:00.006-05:00

I honestly never liked the sound of my name... until he sang it.

When I was a little girl I was constantly changing my name. Carolynn was too grown up, too long, too wrong for me. One time at a girl scout event the leader said to my mother, "Oh we just love that Carrie, such a nice girl." and mom was all ...who? "Isn't that your daughter Carrie over there?" Oh that's my daughter all right.

Here's the Music Man playing the song he wrote for me.

Well, when you say it that way, I'll stick with my name.

Its Got A Ring To It,
Carolynn

Happy New Year

2010-08-07T10:29:00.009-05:00

When I chose a different background for my blog I was looking for purple, it's my new favorite color. I love this one because it says Happy New Year on the side; it really is for me.

I'm dating a great man. I kept waiting for my family and friends to say, "Whoa, C, think this is a good idea?" But they didn't, they smiled and said being happy looks good on me. I'll refer to him as the Music Man, he's a professional musician, we met (and briefly dated!) in a singing group when we were 15. God bless Facebook, he found me all these years later, last fall.

16 years since has brought us both families, brought us both loss, each of us are full time single parents. There was a time we both swore never again. But we're promised God, "...will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..." (Joel 2:25)

We've been together since January, the name of our game is slow. It was months before we met each others children, months before we introduced the children to each other. They're a loud bunch, but self described BFF's.

He lives in a nearby state; we don't see each other as often as we'd like, but realize our children are the priority. We have a lot in common, we laugh a lot; I am safe with him. He challenges me to remember who I was before, to rethink what I've been told. I am baffled to learn he finds strength in me.

A new song, a familiar embrace... I love this man.

Happy New Year Indeed,
Carolynn

There Has to Be a Better Way

2010-08-02T20:11:00.004-05:00

Every morning I make a to-do list. With half of yesterday's list on it. I seem to have better intentions in the morning, than I do energy to check things off at night. Get more sleep you say? Dream on Wonder Bunny.

I stop moving around 11:00 and "unwind" until midnight. Alarm goes off at 5:30, if I'm brave I'll snooze until 6:00. All four of us up, dressed and out the door by 7:00. Work all day, pick up the crew, dinner, play, laundry, dishes, laundry, baths, laundry, books, laundry, bed, laundry, clean up the house, laundry, pay the bills, laundry... sensing a theme?

Here's the thing, I don't want to change anything, and I'm realistic about being a single mother. Crazy as life sounds, it's mine and I love it. There just has to be a better way to get it all done.

Like carrying in groceries. I've been getting bruises from carrying as many bags as I can fit on both arms. But it beat the 10 trips up and down the stairs to the car. So I went to the store and found these clips. Believe me when I tell you I have tested their weight limits. If only the store sold energy! Oh wait they do, but energy shots give me the shakes. So whatcha got? Give me your best tricks and tips, and I'll put your name in the hat to win one of these I'd-Like-To-High-Five-The-Schmo-That-Made-These, clips.

Lay It On Me,
Carolynn

Hand Me The Windex

2010-08-01T21:53:00.006-05:00

*Tap tap tap* Is this thing on?

So much has happened since I sat under the Willow Tree last! As I drove today I recalled when God showed me the corn and the wildflowers. Came in to read it and realized how much I've let the place go! So hand me the windex, I'll start by washing the windows.

Life is good. It took a while for me to say that, longer to believe it, but I've never been happier.

I moved my children into our own place, they are thriving. I have remembered who I was before the insanity, I smile a lot.

Good and easy are not the same, but I wouldn't change a thing about the season of growth I'm in. I'm cleaning house inside and out. What matters stays, what gets in the way of the light, goes. So I'm starting with the windows.

...see if I will not throw open the windows of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. (Malachi 3:10)

Shine,
Carolynn

Almost There

2010-03-23T23:04:00.004-05:00

We're almost there... May 1st we move out of the village and into our own place. Everything comes out of storage. Can't even remember what went in, haven't seen all our earthly possessions since Christmas of 2008. We've learned to live without them, but don't think we don't want them back!

I'm getting a new laptop in the next 6 weeks, and when that happens, I think I'll break radio silence here at Willow Tree. A lot has changed, somethings never will... and I haven't been ready to write yet. It will come.

I did join the gym and lost 12 lbs and counting. Guess I looked in the mirror a couple months ago and thought Who ARE You?? Last year was for surviving... it wasn't enough. "...I came that they may have life and life more abundantly." (John 10:10)

I can say, for the first time in a very long time, I am happy. I forgot what that feels like. I don't intend to ever again.

Dear IRS - HURRY UP on the Refund,
Carolynn

Four Letter Words

2009-12-04T19:50:00.002-06:00

It is snowing.

I'm not pleased.

If you'll notice, snow is a four letter word. Especially in Wisconsin, where just 2 years ago we got eight feet of it. Not to mention all our veteran snow drivers act like they've lived in the tropics all their lives the first time we drive in it each year.

I'm not the only one using four letter words these days. This week when I picked up my 10 year old son from daycare, the conversation went something like this...
Teacher: I heard you said a bad word
Son: No I didn't
Teacher: Friend said you did, please tell me what you said
Son: I said son of b!$@%
Teahcer: You can't say that; that's a bad word
Son: Really? I saw it on Cat In The Hat, I think that's rated G
Now seriously, we watched it together on Thanksgiving. On ABC Family. He heard correctly. My jaw about hit the floor when Mike Myers said it.

There's been a lot of rearranging of visitation lately, which drives the kiddies up the wall. Right behind you. In the snow. I'm cranky. Trying to remember, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." ~Abraham Lincoln

So tomorrow we'll pay a visit to Santa at the mall. Try for the millionth time to get all the laundry done and put away (even for an hour!), pick out a Christmas Tree, and we'll watch a new Veggie Tales movie.

Quote That My Boy,
Carolynn

If It Fit I'd Write This On My Mirror

2009-12-01T20:07:00.001-06:00

Bestie Trip

2009-11-27T12:23:00.013-06:00

Has it seriously been a month since I posted? ::waving hand:: Miss you! Lest you think I've been crying in my pillow, fear not. I actually put my big girl britches on and got to livin again. Enough is enough. I haven't been able to blog because my laptop is reduced to a fancy solitaire machine. No volume, no internet, and the battery is a joke too. When I can borrow my stepbrother's laptop, and sleep doesn't tip the scale, I'll be here. Santa, if you're listening....

My sister and I took a road trip to see Sam Bradley and Bobby Long play and had more fun than I remembered how to. If they're in your area, GO!

Kat and me (pay no attention to the random guy checkin her out!)Sam and KatMe and BobbyHe plays the most beautiful guitar I've ever seenShe's my Bestie.I learned a lot as we drove. (and drove and drove) This is probably a given, but road trippin with your bestie is a whole different experience than with 3 little ones and a spider. And watching the shows? It was almost a spiritual experience. I've never seen musicians like this; the music poured out of them. I may or may not have had a fan girl moment when we got in the car.

This is not everyday life, but it was a spectacular weekend. It's possible, I'm finding, to embrace both halves of myself. Mom and Me. Because I'm both. I've been starving half for a long time, in an effort to boost the other. Turns out I was crippling both. Last year I survived. This year I intend to thrive.

I was dreading Thanksgiving all week, but I came home on Wednesday night to Chex Mix and all of a sudden there it was, a spark I thought was doused. I've been fighting Christmas, X gets my children again this year (long story), but this morning as I drank peppermint coffee on the front porch, there it was, an ember.

I love it when God gets pushy with me for my own good. If snacks and coffee can bring sparks and embers, He alone will certainly bring the bonfire. I'll bring dreams and the marshmallows.

Cheers,
Carolynn

One Year Later

2009-11-01T11:25:00.008-06:00

This week as the anniversary drew near, a battle raged within me. Regret and gratitude. Today, by the power of Christ in me, I can say gratitude won. But in the heat of it, I was choking. Choking on the ghosts of who we were, where we came from.

One year ago I wrote, "He Said It With a Note"
He left today. Left me and our children. He said it with a note. We've been in on again off again counseling for years. But I didn't see this coming. Not so much that it's over; the end was near. But that he deceived us. That he snuck out of this family during the second church service. Came home, packed his clothes, left a note on the table and the song Forgiveness repeating on the kitchen stereo, and has refused to answer my calls. He said, "I'll see you later" to me at church and left a vague outline for visitation in his letter. He didn't even say goodbye to our children. In the first hour I would have crawled on broken glass soaked in lemon juice, done anything. But the longer he won't answer my calls, the more I read his Dear Jane letter, the longer I contemplate how I alone have to explain this to our three children... Please pray for them. Us grownups, we'll be fine. The children will too, but they'll never be the same. My heart is more broken for that than all the love lost. I have no words.

Last night, as I got my children ready for trick or treating alone, I remembered every minute of being a family at the same time a year ago. As I fought the panic rising in my throat, I put one foot in front of the other. Just as I have for 364 days. The house filled with people. With laughter; with love. Yes, I cracked when the children weren't watching. But yes, yes, yes He was with me.

Max Lucado wrote something to the effect of, when sheep come before their shepherd to be anointed with oil, they do not understand the oil soothes, or repels the flies. They simply know something amazing happens in the presence of the Master... and so it is with us. Amen.

This morning we went to church. We came home. And I did not, as my sister assured me, turn into a pumpkin. I raise my hands in praise to the One who knows. And He holds me close to the Father's heart with His. I still limp, but I'm not angry. Today I choose forgiveness again.

The Lord giveth and taketh away... Blessed be the Name of the Lord,
Carolynn

Disgraceful

2009-10-19T20:58:00.003-05:00

A local 20 year old woman heard this at her interview last week, "Oh no, we don't hire your kind. You should apply at Goodwill, they hire people like you." She has autism. If you can believe one worse, this happened at Savers. They are the for profit branch of Easter Seals.

For SHAME.

One of my family members works with a support agency that helps families with children who have developmental disabilities find resources in the community. Her coworker heard the interviewer say it. I wonder if she fell of her chair.

I don't know if her family intends to sue, but, I'm sorry, did that recently become legal? Or almost not wrong? I'll never spend a dollar there again. I like a good deal as much as the next gal, but not when it costs that much.

Seems to me, it wasn't the one with autism, that had the disability.

Baffled,
Carolynn

Sing

2009-10-11T20:23:00.011-05:00

I love the musical numbers from Glee.

I used to sing. It was my first identity, my favorite escape. I had an amazing opportunity that I passed up after High School. That train left the station more than a decade ago; I was blessed with my oldest son when I was 19. I don't regret my choice, just that I stopped, let the dream fade out. It is true that you lose what you don't use.

I sing for Jesus. I sing for my babies. In the car. In the shower. In my head... and I tell myself it's enough. Because it has to be. Still, I go there in my dreams, to a dark stage, the cramped green room, the dizzying heights of the catwalks and the sound of the fly system. Downstage to dangle my legs over the edge and stare up at the sound booth, waiting for one light, one mic. To dig down into my soul and pull out the song that makes me... me.

If only I wasn't petrified of being heard. Can you believe it? Horrific stage fright. I've always been back row blessed in choir, and tend to belt the whole time.

Glee stirs up old memories that I can't run from and honestly don't want to. I loved dancing in character shoes until I couldn't stand up. "Run it again!" my director shouted as he banged the drumsticks together. Gladly. Opening night jitters, closing night tears. The memories compete for attention to the point that I can't separate them, but I'm left with the feeling. The need.

To let out what God put in.

The Word says to, "Write the vision..." (Habakkuk 2:2) I'm auditioning for the Praise and Worship team at our new church on Saturday. Church is the one place I let go, because it's not about me, or the faces, it's for His Glory. I miss my choir in Minnesota so much it hurts, but I believe God has a ministry here for me. It's time to stop wasting time.

Psalm 96:1,
Carolynn

The Candy Fairy

2009-10-07T21:27:00.003-05:00

Do you have a plan for your children's Halloween candy? My Works For Me Wednesday tip is the Candy Fairy.

After working so hard for their big haul, I let my kiddies have fun with their candy when they come in from the cold. (It's Wisconsin people. Where we purposefully plan costumes that will fit over snowsuits, just in case.) After they've had their (reasonable) fill, they pick out 10 favorites to keep. These are doled out over the next week. The rest goes back into their loot bags which get looped onto their doorknobs at bedtime.

When they wake up, the Candy Fairy has come, and much like the Tooth Fairy exchanges teeth for money, the candy has been exchanged for a toy. Does it need to be said that Childhood Obesity is an epidemic in our country? Do we really ~~want~~ need candy sitting around tempting everyone all the way to Christmas? NoThankYouVeryMuch. My children like to Trick or Treat. They like the candy. They love the toy.

But it does beg the question, what does the Candy Fairy do with her haul? Well. She has her own fun picking and choosing and donates the rest to the food pantry. Think about it. Food pantries all over the country are gearing up for Thanksgiving Dinner donations. What a blessing to treat other children, to more than just the basics.

The Chubbiest of Fairies,
Carolynn

Redeeming Time

2009-10-03T22:46:00.004-05:00

I walked outside just now to feel the cool night air against my skin, to remember the world is big. I remembered something else, a glimpse of long ago. I wonder how long it will be before I forget the details of the life I used to have.

How much longer until I forget what tucking our children in together sounded like?

Until I forget what it felt like to have my hair brushed?

What it felt like to know I was not alone?

The season has changed here in Wisconsin. The air is crisp, the leaves are falling... and I am hurtling forward, faster than ever, to the 1 year mark. Have I come far enough?

How much longer until I forget what song was playing when I read the note X left on the kitchen table that Sunday?

Until I forget the panic that seized every fiber of my being, knowing I alone was left to explain his leaving to my children?

The feeling of suffocation those first days, weeks, that I could not breathe, because I didn't know how to be enough, be me, on my own.

There are moments, snapshots, that I concentrate on tucking away. And there are volumes I pray to burn. But each piece of the complex puzzle of my life, was laid out long before me. So on the advice of a dear friend, I am praying to redeem the date of November 1st.

Very soon after X left, my sister arrived in Minnesota to help. I will never forget the day she bought my children winter hats, boots and diapers. I was clinging to the cart to hold myself up, watching my 3 children meltdown in Target, looked at her with terror in my eyes and said, "I can't do this." And her resounding answer, "yes Carolynn, you can, you have to." She was right.

From this year I pray to remember, always, the safety in honesty.

To remember my family may not look like it did, but we are whole, and gaining ground.

What it feels like to pull my shoulders back and walk with my head up, not looking at my feet.

Most importantly, I will remember that my utter dependence on the Lord, is a daily walk. Sometimes minute by minute, but the time is always redeemed.

This week has brought blessings in such abundance, I cannot hold them. Why am I surprised? Malachi 3:10 ...see if I will not throw open the floodgates of Heaven and pour out so much blessing you will not have room for it. I had the best talk with my parents, received a box from a sister in Christ that took me to my knees... and went shopping for my children's winter gear again, this time with their grandparents. I could not only breathe, I laughed; we all did. Thank you, I praise the Lord for each of you.

Indeed, God has a sense of humor. We were approaching the dead of winter when this started. We survived it. It's coming again, I can feel it in the air, but I know we've already climbed this mountain. Having worn a path in it once, I'm confident we can do it again. What if it had been summer? The rug would be ready to be ripped from under my feet, undermining half the confidence I've built. No my friends, I already know what it takes to get 3 children up, dressed, fed and out the door before 7:00 a.m. I remember how to do it dressing 3 little bodies for the frozen tundra. I daily praise Jesus for the village that helps us. But I do not fear the task.

So yes, yes we have come far enough. The road is hard, but it's not much farther. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

Blessed,
Carolynn

The Code Word Is Charlotte

2009-09-27T21:32:00.005-05:00

Every other weekend X and I meet halfway for his visitation. It's 5 hours of driving on those Fridays and another on Sundays. Whew! The last hour home is fierce; my kiddies have had it.

Today I employed a ruse and brought my parents' dog Cosmo with. Let me be the first to pass out high fives because he totally did the trick. For the first time no one was whining lemme out of this car!

On a semi related topic (hang in here with me), tonight I saw an update from my Australian pal's blog called Pigs Dust & Spiders. I warily opened her page because I'm very arachnophobic... (coast was clear, it was really cute) but it made me think of what I wrote last fall.

Here is an edited version of The Code Word is Charlotte...
On our last 5 hour road trip I had to make an important call. I find that I emit a pheromone when I'm on the phone, especially so in a moving car, that prompts my children to howl like wolves and hyenas. They're so charming sometimes.

I'm talking and every few seconds I get a, "mom, Mom, MOM!" to which I reply, "could you just hold on one second, don't you see I'm on the phone with your father?" This went on and as usual, ended when my call did. "What?! what was so important?" and then my son said it, "I saw a spider in the car."

AAAAAUGH!!!

Stay calm, do NOT panic. (I'm so panicking) Ok. Deep breaths.
Where is it?
I don't know anymore.
Really??
Well I saw it walking around on the ceiling but it's not there now.
Where did it go? Better yet, why didn't you tell me??
I tried but you said to wait cause you were on the phone.
Uh-oh, this is totally my fault.
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. I'm sorry for shushing you sugar pie. Now, tell me exactly, where did it go?
Well it crawled around on the ceiling but I lost it when it got to your door.
Now is a good time to panic!

I have jumped off a 2 story balcony and undergone professional treatment for arachnopobia (which by the way made it worse); it's fierce. So I start praying and sent my son hunting with his shoe. He couldn't find it. Praise Jesus it never found me.

However. Should the situation arise in the future, the code word is Charlotte. If you ever, see anything, with more than 4 legs, Kill it and yell Charlotte! Friends, I drove like I had Terets. I twitched, brushed and randomly hollered for the rest of the drive.

Talk about learning to listen to my children. Luke 7:35 says Wisdom is proved right by her children. ...and never in all my life have I been so grateful to get out of the car.

On second thought, maybe next time I should bring the cat.

On the Road Again,
Carolynn

Rockin' the Boat

2009-09-24T20:29:00.003-05:00

Bedtime is a zoo.

You know that wind down period, when you're listening to your kiddies settle themselves in for the night? I've got a front row seat for mine. My daughter sleeps with me and the boys sleep in bunkbeds at the end of the big bed. Left to their own wiles they'd be up all night, so I always go to bed with them. And by go to bed I mean use my laptop as their nightlight and stay up way too late. Ahem.

Where was I? Zoo. Right. Inevitably someone gets the giggles... it's just like laughing in church, which we all know is contagious. Wrong. Contagious. Once they get going, it's hard to stop. (As a matter of fact my sister and I, to this day, cannot sit next to each other in church because we laugh ourselves silly; it's embarrassing!)

As soon as I get it together I put my Mom face on and give them "the look." My boys are just like the movie What About Bob, "I'll be quiet. ...I'll be peace." This just sets us off again! Last night everyone was riled up and I said (loudly) sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down you're rockin' the boat!

It reminded me of Sunday's message on Luke 8: 22-25. One day Jesus said to his disciples, "Let's go over to the other side of the lake." So they got into a boat and set out. As they sailed, he fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!" He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. "Where is your faith?" he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, "Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him."

Did Jesus not say they were going to the other side of the lake? When He's mapping out your route, trust Him. Most importantly, Pastor Londa pointed out that even these professional fishermen, who had Jesus in their boat, thought this storm was going to claim them. The Bible says rain will fall on the just and unjust alike. We will all have storms, but when Jesus is in your boat, you'll never sink.

Now, if I could just get my crew calmed down enough to impart such wisdom.

On a Boat to Heaven,
Carolynn

Hot Leaves

2009-09-22T20:27:00.004-05:00

Everywhere I look, the leaves are changing and falling. I positively adore autumn in the Midwest.

Last year my sons and I were watching the leaves fall outside our living room window and my youngest said, "why did God made some of the leaves hot Mama?" They're not hot baby, they're turning colors before they fall off the trees, I said. Of course he wanted to know why they needed to get off the tree and my oldest piped in, "that's easy, so God can make room for new ones to grow in their next season." From the mouths of babes I tell ya.

God does turn the heat on to make room for new growth. ...I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'they are my people' and they will say 'the Lord is our God." (Zechariah 13:9) Just so you know, if I was the betting kind, I'd bet we're going to be shiny when we come through. Downright blinding, because He doesn't do anything halfhearted.

There is progress in the pain of His heat. Think of it this way; when you put flour, sugar, raw eggs, salt and baking soda in a bowl it's not something you want to eat. You can mix everything together, still... notsomuch. It's not ready until you turn on the heat. After time in the oven that mess is cake! You know how I feel about cake... Turn it up!

It's Gettin' Hot In Here,
Carolynn

Victory

2009-09-21T21:14:00.009-05:00

You and I have prayed for the last 300 days for what arrived in the mail today. Ladies and Gentlemen - CHILD SUPPORT!!!

Ecclesiastes 4:3 says there is a time to mourn, a time to laugh and a time to dance. Care to join me in a happy dance?

I don't know if words can convey my relief. I bought my daughter socks tonight. Put gas in the car. Let my children celebrate with sundaes - and I didn't pay in change.

The test is not over, it will take time to plan and save for a place of our own, but I can see it now. As down to the ground grateful as I am to my Dad and Stepmom for taking us in, I'm anxious to ~~try~~ live again on my own. But had it happened sooner, could I have stood up under it? Would I have rushed it and failed? I'm still learning.

Nearly everything we own has been in storage since December. My 3 children and I have shared 1 room for 9 months. And while painful at times, it has blessed me.

...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:11-13)

Yes, I miss my stuff. But I'm living without it. He who has the most toys does not in fact win. Yes, I long for 5 minutes of quiet in my own room... but I will ache to hear my babies sleep around me again. Yes there has been unrest in the village, but I love my family like crazy. My children and I have bonds of super glue and a solid foundation beneath us. Everything's gonna be alright.

I am so grateful for your prayers; they are never wasted on my children.

I Praise You Jesus,
Carolynn

Childhood Cancer Awareness

2009-09-19T22:03:00.003-05:00

Did you know September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month? Cancer remains the #1 disease killer of America's children - more than Cystic Fibrosis, Muscular Dystrophy, Asthma and AIDS combined. Statistically speaking, there are 7 children with Cancer in America that will not live out this day.

I followed and prayed for Coleman Scott on carepages last year; he was an incredibly brave 5 year old boy who left behind a twin brother. His mother wrote:

*On average 12,500 children and teens will be diagnosed with some form of cancer each year in this country; one in 330 children will develop cancer by age 20.
*Although the 5 year survival rate is steadily increasing, one quarter of children will die 5 years from the time of diagnosis. In the US almost 3,000 children do not survive cancer each year.
*Over the past 2 decades, only ONE new cancer drug has been approved for Pediatric use. Currently there are between 30-40,000 children undergoing cancer treatment in the US.
*As a nation, we spend over $14 Billion per year on the space program, but only $35 million on Childhood Cancer Research each year.
*There are 15 children diagnosed with cancer for every 1 child diagnosed with pediatric AIDS. Yet, the US invests approximately $95,000 for reasearch per victim of pediatric AIDS and only $20,000 for each victim of childhood cancer.
*Research funds are scarce as most money is diverted to well publicized adult forms of cancer, such as breast and prostate.

Please pray for a cure. Pray for grace and mercy on these families! As Coleman's mother said, "if it were your child, your baby, you would want someone to help you." The blogosphere has watched Tuesday's family suffer. Each one is one family too many.

Chili's Restaurant is donating 100% of their profits on September 28th. They've made a commitment to raise $50 million over 1o years on behalf of St. Jude's. Take this as the best excuse all year to go out to eat. Spread the word! You can make a difference.

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. (Colossians 1:9)

Carolynn

Pearls of Wisdom

2009-09-15T20:49:00.003-05:00

Have you heard about the movement to stop complaining? Reverand Will Bowen had divine guidance when he rolled this one out.

Scientists say it takes people 21 days to form a new habit. His idea is to wear a bracelet as a physical reminder to stop complaining. If you do complain, you move the bracelet to your other wrist, until you have gone 21 days without moving it.

The average person complains 15-30 times a day! Reverend Bowen says 6 million people, in more than 80 countries have already requested their bracelets. 6 million times 20 (complaints per day) = 120 million complaints thwarted. Wowza. Not as easy as it sounds, it took him 3 1/2 months to get 21 consecutive days of non-complaining; it has taken others up to 7 months. But the progress is in the effort.

Withholding complaints is not a new concept. Do everything without complaining or arguing (Phillipians 2:14). Words have power. Speak life! If I say, "I will forget my complaint, I will change my expression and smile." (Job 9:27)

I have an aversion to laytex, so I'm wearing a stretchy pearl bracelet instead of the free purple ones but the groundwork remains the same. Are there circumstances in my life to complain about? Yep. But His grace exceeds them! I said in the beginning of my do over that I didn't intend to waste it. Just eat your brownie, remember? Complaining, itself, is a waste.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29) Those, my friends, are true pearls of wisdom.

Day 1,
Carolynn

Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner

2009-09-14T19:29:00.004-05:00

Did I ever tell you my favorite movie is Dirty Dancing? I saw it in the theater when I was eight. I was responsible for sending our VCR to the shop not once, but twice, because I got the tape stuck from rewinding the final dance so often.

DIRTY DANCING- Final Dance - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

I'm a fan; I've had a spot in my heart for Patrick Swayze ever since. "Ga-gung... it's a feeling; a heartbeat." Tonight I'm aware not only of his unmeasurable talent as a dancer, actor and songwriter, but that he was a husband, a brother, a son. And a fighter.

At Stand Up to Cancer in September 2008 he said to a standing ovation "I dream that the word 'cure' will no longer be followed by the words 'it's impossible'. Together, we can make a world where cancer no longer means living with fear, without hope, or worse."

Praying for his family tonight and keenly aware the world has lost a treasure, but he will not be forgotten.

Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner.

Carolynn

Go Big Red!

2009-09-12T14:41:00.005-05:00

"So you all want to buy a tv, right?" he said. And we laughed, the 30+ of us standing around the television in Costco, watching the last 25 seconds of the Badger game's 4th quarter this afternoon.There was a collective groan as Fresno state tied the game, and a rush to the checkout lines. We tuned the radio into the game driving home - collective cheer as the Badgers won 34-31 in double overtime - Woot!

Go! Big! Red!
Carolynn

Eight Years Later

2009-09-11T06:00:00.001-05:00

I Remember.
God bless the victims, the families, the rescuers.
God Bless the USA.

By the Numbers

2009-09-11T00:01:00.005-05:00

Me + My 3 = 4
on MN weekends for the briefest of moments 4 + X = 5
then 5 - 4 = Me

It's still a process, the recovery of divorce, for me and my 3. Just today I met with my son's Kindergarten teacher... he's that child in her class, they're less than 3 weeks into the year and we're having emergency planning meetings. I wanted a partner in it. My partner. But that's not how it is. So I will talk to X about it tomorrow, but it's very different from talking with him.

We are not 5. We are each 1 that share 3.

It still holds me by the throat sometimes.

This morning as I took it to God I tried to Be Still and Know - but I couldn't, I was Running to the Mercy Seat.

He said that I could come into His presence without fear; into the holy place where His mercy hovers near - I'm runnin' to the mercy seat. Where Jesus is callin' He said His grace would cover me. His blood will flow freely, it will provide the healin', come runnin' to the mercy seat. (Mercy Seat - Vicki Yohe)

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

Please pray for my son. He's been through a lot. But he is smart. He is able. And he is loved.

Jude 1:2,
Carolynn

All Over the World

2009-09-08T21:23:00.006-05:00

When Jesus said, "Go make disciples of all nations..." (Matthew 28:35) it's hard to believe He knew there would be a blogosphere. But He did.

There's a map in my sidebar that asks, "Where in the World Are You?" I am astonished to see someone on every continent has sat under the Willow Tree with me. It reports each of these 38 countries have visited:

Australia

Belgium

Canada

Colombia

Finland

France

Georgia

Germany

Greece

Hungary

India

Israel

Italy

Japan

Kenya

Korea, Republic of

Kuwait

Libyan Arab Jamahiriya

Luxembourg

Malaysia

Maldives

Mexico

Netherlands

Philippines

Poland

Romania

Russian Federation

Serbia

Singapore

South Africa

Spain

Sudan

Taiwan

Thailand

Ukraine

United Arab Emirates

United Kingdom

United States

Well hello great big world! I'm blessed you've come to sit awhile with me.

Bénédiction, Siunaukset, Ευλογία, ברכת, Benedizione, 祝福, 축복, Bendición, Błogosławieństwo, Binecuvântările, Благословения, Благослов, ให้ศีลให้พร, ...Blessings,
Carolynn

While I'm Waiting

2009-09-03T20:21:00.005-05:00

Spending the weekend with God renewed my hope in waiting. Because as I learned, there is nothing idle about the meaning of wait.

I passed multitudes of wildflowers on the highway in my 13 hours of driving. So many in fact, I wondered why God continued to show them to me. Half as often, I saw corn fields. I love that the Creator bends near to show me Heavenly things in small pictures I can wrap my head around. The difference between the two, was how I'm trying to live, and how He wants me to.

The corn was lined up like soldiers. Neat and orderly, it knew were it started, where it stopped, where the breaks were. That corn had it's act together. But those flowers. A riot of color, shapes and sizes, tangled together; faces up. They bloomed where He planted them, not of their own choosing, nor any elses. Right next to the highway! They withstood the wind of cars flying by at 75 miles an hour. And thrived.

Perhaps because they intimately know their creator, the one that can rebuke the wind, with a word.

"Come" He said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," He said, "why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:29-31) Why do we still doubt? Did you see, He calls us to Him. We're supposed to be moving in His direction, not the other way around. Second, Peter didn't sink until he took his eyes off the Lord. And yet there's grace. Always Grace. He knows we fail. He asks us to try.

While I'm waiting, I will be hopeful. Though it's painful, patiently I will wait. I will move ahead, bold and confident, taking every step in obedience. While I'm waiting, I will serve Him, I will worship Him. I will not faint, I'll be running the race, even while I wait. (While I'm Waiting, John Waller)

It doesn't hurt less, the waiting. It just means more. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. (Psalm 126: 5-6) It is my deepest prayer that in the waiting, I will be sowing wildflowers. I have thought for months that I will sing when it's over. I was wrong... I'm singing now.

For His Worship,
Carolynn

LPL Greenbay

2009-09-01T06:42:00.009-05:00

Living Proof Live - Simulcast - Green Bay WI from Rich Kalonick on Vimeo.

Watch this! I've got Holy Spirit goosebumps! (can you find me? 2:16)
From Beth's blog, The Commissioning at the end of LPL Greenbay:
My Dear Sister
God has not overlooked you
He has not ignored you
He hears every petition
And intimately knows
The heart beneath it.
Give Him full access
To all your longings
Pray every single day
To become a person who delights in Him.
When it seems to disappear
Remember to check your JAW
Are you Jealous?
Are you Angry?
Are you Worried?
Roll it all on Jesus
He's strong enough to carry it
Big enough to handle it.
Trust God with all your heart
Now leave this place
And go into the world
And do some GOOD.

What I Learned at LPL

2009-08-31T21:00:00.009-05:00

Living Proof Live was so powerful! Some very sweet friends I met there wondered if the spirit was stronger up close... yes, yes He was to me, in the second row!Beth taught on our hearts desire. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you your hearts desire. (Psalm 37:4) There are days I have been afraid to hope; it can be so painful. But, because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness! (Lamentations 2:22-23)

I learned so much! What I love about Beth is that I always see Him in her. She's a lightning rod for His word, and gives me such a deep understanding of it. The most important thing she taught me, was that "wait" is not an idle word, it is a verb. In Hebrew, wait means to be in anxious expectation. Yes Lord! She also said if we are praying, by the word and are not receiving our answer - don't give up! There is Glory or Destiny at stake.

Travis and the worship team brought it. I really have no words. Worshiping God there, in that way... let's just say I wound up on my face at the altar, crying out for mercy and when I rose I knew I had it. God and I met to do business this weekend.When the event was over, I did get to meet Rich, LPL's amazing photographer. He was funny and totally down to earth.Meeting Travis Cottrell was surreal. He's so gifted and so... normal, praise God! It was like hanging out with a friend. Did you know he blogs?I did meet a new friend, Jamie, there too. She was such a blessing to me!Check out the Living Proof schedule; if they're even remotely close to you, GO!

Changed,
Carolynn

For the Love of Girlfriends

2009-08-31T20:07:00.004-05:00

When I was in the Twin Cities last weekend, I got to go to church, briefly! see my friend Sara and stay with my friend Meagan. Ladies I love you to pieces!

Here's me and one of my best girls, Sara from Interpret Sass. We've only "met" twice but she's already family.(I don't know why we didn't take a picture of ourselves that night Meagan, we were up til 2:00!)

Can't wait to see you again soon!

(((hugs))),
C~

Going Under

2009-08-27T20:33:00.012-05:00

This weekend I'm going back to Beth Moore, this time in Green Bay! (The video is the recap of when I saw her speak in Minneapolis last summer.) Unbelievable.

LPL Minneapolis from Rich Kalonick on Vimeo.

I can hardly wait to enter in again. Have you ever worshiped with thousands of women? The authenticity and abandon is second to none. Tell me you know about Travis and the Praise Team! The anointing on the entire Living Proof Live ministry is amazing. And have you read their blog?

Last summer I was in the 3rd row. I'll never forget it; I said, this woman has a word from God for me and I want it! I want to smell her perfume! Let me tell you, when God sends a messanger... she taught on being between a rock and a hard place. 3 months later when X walked out with a note, there I was, in that deep dark space. But when I started seeking answers, because God help me, there were so many questions, I returned again and again to her lesson. Yes it was dark... but it was the shadow of His wing. Between a rock and a hard place, I pressed into The rock and have held on for dear life. Best dang advice I ever got.

I left a comment on their blog this week and about fell of my chair when I got the email inviting me to Green Bay. Just about died y'all. So after the shrieking stopped, the joy has spread through like wildfire. It's downright uncontainable! And I remember, this, is what it's supposed to feel like. This, is what God wants for us.

Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. (Nehemia 8:10)

When the event in Green Bay is over, I'm heading west, to the Twin Cities. Anyone up for a bloggy breakfast (lunch or dinner)? :) I'll be in the Cities through Sunday - do you know what this means?? I get to go back to my church!!

Tonight I remember what it feels like to have my cup overflow. My children are doing great. My new job rocks the party. I got a little sanity and quit one of the part time jobs = I took control of my priorities. I can feel a holy fire bubbling up. I missed this. The Lord has been so faithful to me. Through tears and tantrums, in the darkest night and the brightest dawn, He is good.

Last summer when I was baptized, the feeling of going under and coming up new changed me. Father God, water mark my spirit and take me under this weekend.
Carolynn

Spread the Love

2009-08-23T21:42:00.012-05:00

This is my pal Jonathan Thulin (from my home church in Minnesota) singing, "Spoken For" which will be on his next album (released in October). He's recently started blogging, you can check it out by clicking here.

Jonathan Thulin - Spoken For
by dummako

He has a huge heart for Jesus; swing over and welcome him to the blogosphere! Want more? Check out his MySpace.

Sing It,
Carolynn

Reminding Myself

2009-08-23T15:28:00.003-05:00

God grant me the Serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

War Paint

2009-08-19T14:31:00.002-05:00

It sure is nice to get hugs out of the mailbox. I love fun mail, which is everything but bills. I've been lousy at getting cards out this year but it's high on 2010's resolution list. I got a package in the mail from my pal Keri at Forever Folding Laundry yesterday; I won her giveaway, check out the adorable beauties in her Etsy store! I also got the sweetest card from my Mom this week, thanks.

My friends at Three Bay B Chicks sent me fun mail last Christmas that I still use and treasure. Sparingly, but I'll have you know, Este Lauder is my war paint. Some days being a single mom of 3 means don't waste your make-up. You're gonna run too hard, move too fast, put out too many fires and barely keep your head above water; the last thing on your mind is an eyelash curler. Really.

But there are days that I pull out my gifted fancy bag of make-up and I remember why they sent it. Because they believe in me, and want me to see what they see. Every morning I stand in front of the mirror and tell my reflection, "you are a good, capable, woman. You will make it through this day, even if by the skin of your teeth, but by God, you will make it, head held high." And at night when I'm facing myself again, I think of something to be grateful for and say it out loud. Honestly at the beginning I was just grateful for teeth to brush. But now I like who I see.

Sure that woman needs to lose some weight and do something about the bags under her eyes. But her shoulders are pulled back, there's light in her eyes and I trust her.

Does it seem funny that something so small can make such a big difference? Not to me. Some people say don't sweat the small stuff, but life is in the details. A friend once told me, "the amount of spiritual warfare you'll encounter is in direct correlation to the impact you're having on the Kingdom." When my feet hit the floor in the morning I want the enemy to say, uh-oh she's up again.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. (Ephesians 6:13-17)

Every gal knows the finishing touch on any outfit is the accessories Mine just happens to be war paint ...made by Este Lauder.

*wink*,
Carolynn

Kyrie Eleison

2009-08-17T21:05:00.009-05:00

A week from today, life will change again when my sons start school and I start a new job. It's been one "new normal" after another since last November. Sometimes I wish it would just be... but we're not there yet, we're not where God is taking us to.

Often in the last eight months I have prayed for the destination. But God is about the journey. Beth Moore says, "... God will forever be more interested in you knowing your Healer than experiencing His healing, and knowing your Deliverer than knowing your deliverance."

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. (Proverbs 3:5)

Do you know what Kyrie Eleison means? In Greek, "Lord Have Mercy." ...down the road that I must travel, through the darkness of the night, where I'm going will you follow... Lord have mercy.

In moments of patience, I know had He taken me straight to the destination, I would have missed so much. Remember when I put my license plates on by myself for the first time and it felt like reaching the summit? What if I had missed even that one small victory? How could I have built another on the back of it, until my shoulders straightened out, until my eyes finally met yours?

I'm not afraid anymore. That alone, is worth the journey, no matter how high the climb.

Carolynn

Breakthrough

2009-08-10T21:59:00.011-05:00

When I flew out of Florida last month it was gray and raining... until we broke through the clouds. Right above the rain was blue sky - we just had to climb past the line to find it. There are good things for my children and I, just above the clouds. We're climbing up to the line and I am beginning to see.

I love this video (mute the volume on the youtube link) because it reminds me of my prayers.

See how the seeds start growing right away? But notice the first growth is below the surface! Do not be afraid... since the first day you set your mind to gain understanding and humble yourself before God, your words were heard (and action was taken)... (Daniel 10:12) but remember the Angel with the answer was detained 21 days. I heard this week the Bible says 366 times - Do Not Fear - 1 for every day and an extra in case we forget.

God has been quiet, but I do not believe he has been deaf to my pleas. And even in the quiet, he has been close. My seeds are growing, but they had to put down roots.

Action is being taken on my behalf in the heavenlies. And it is coming together down here. Jobs are coming, child care is set, school is starting, blessings are on their way. I can't write about all the details yet, but things we have prayed for together for months, are starting to break through. Thank you Jesus. And thank you, the walk has been hard but never alone out here.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31)

I Can See a New Horizon,
Carolynn

Remembering Grams

2009-08-09T20:57:00.012-05:00

Tonight my family gathered around the dinner table and celebrated, not my sister's 32nd birthday, but the 7th anniversary of her 25th birthday, because she's fabulous like that. She picked the menu, porcupine balls and twice baked potato casserole. I made the potatoes, but the meatballs I haven't had in 20 years.

They were a specialty of my Grams. She's been with Jesus for 10 years now. Her loss is still deeply felt. As I was serving my children a dish she served me as a child, the aroma alone brought her to the table and tears to my eyes. I miss her.

She is the reason I named my blog Willow Tree; she was my first sanctuary, the tree in her backyard was the image of it.

On hot summer nights like this we used to sit on her front porch in the swing with our coffee cups. Of course I was eight, mine had water, but she always made me feel special. She would scratch my back or play with my hair while the big band music came through the open windows and I wished even then, to stop the clock, draw it out.

She fostered my love of the theater, with Phantom of the Opera. She taught me how to play solitaire, use liquid rouge and that rubbing fresh mint from her backyard in my hands smelled like heaven. She taught me things I didn't know until she was gone; strength that shone like beauty, love so pure it was potent, and because of her, I know the meaning of Grace.

She suffered at the end, Alzheimer's was an ugly, mean, disease that forced us to watch her go for years before she left. I regret not being there for her enough. I regret fearing her disease.

But oh, how merciful God is to me, that He allows me to dream of her; to put my head on her chest again. I've had the best conversations with Grams under the willow tree in my dreams. I wish my children could have known her. I can't wait to make introductions a lifetime from now, in Heaven. But I have told her of them. She knows. And she waits.

I tell you the truth, he who believes has everlasting life. (John 6:47)

She returns to us here, in dreams and red patent leather shoes I know she would have loved. In meals and memories we still share. And while she took pieces of my family's hearts with her, she left pieces of her own, with us.... and we are better for it.

Remembering,
Carolynn

Be Near

2009-08-04T19:16:00.015-05:00

Your fullness is mine, revelation divine. But oh to taste, to know much more than a page, to feel Your embrace... For dark is light to You, depths are height to You; far is near, but Lord I need to hear from you, be near Oh God.

My fourth interview (same company) went great, but I wasn't chosen. The recruiter fell all over himself about how perfect I was for the position, but the other candidate knew lawyers in the firm and was chosen because of an established report.

Be near oh God.

Habitat for Humanity called today, it's a No. For at least two years; I don't meet their financial requirements.

Be near oh God.

In this economy, I am more qualified to check your groceries or deliver your pizza. Never mind a dozen years of administrative experience, I don't have a degree and the 50 other people applying for the same job, do.

Be near oh God.

Weeks like this could empower the enemy's words as he laughs in my face and snarls, you never should have left.

Be near oh God.

The public at large feels entitled to say, why don't they just leave? And this is why. Because not every mother is blessed to have a family waiting with open arms. Because many don't have an education that enables them to stand alone. Because door after door is slammed in her face.

Be near oh God.

The enemy has been very loud today. Don't you see? You're that girl. That uneducated, white trash, divorced mother of three. ...but I'm not who he says I am.

Only Almighty God Himself gets the privilege to define me - because He made me.

The enemy can't shame me, he can't touch one hair on my head. He can snarl and hiss, but I can shake the gates of Hell with faith. The night X walked out, I went back to church and even though I sobbed, I raised my hands in praise to the One who knew.

Though the road has been long and hard, though my arms feel like lead from the weight they have borne, I will raise my hands again to Him tonight, and praise Him in the valley. I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:14)

The Word tells me I am...

No longer a slave, but a child and an heir (Galatians 4:7)
Chosen, Holy and Blameless in His sight (Ephesians 1:4)
God's workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)

and the one that drove me to my knees tonight as I seek Him... But now in Christ Jesus, you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. (Ephesians 2:13)

His nearness truly is our good.

With Gratitude,
Carolynn

Temple Business

2009-07-30T09:27:00.005-05:00

I started the P90X regimen two days ago. The only thing that doesn't hurt are my fingers as I type... but I'm happy. The last time I was athletic was... um... Show Choir. Yeah. And 12 years and 3 babies later, it shows. I got rid of all my size 2's after my first son. I got rid of all my 6's after my second. After my daughter I resigned myself to a size 12. Really? It's not about the number, it's not. More about the fact that I gave up on myself.

Let's face it, I am a mother of 3 and I do like to eat. But it's time to be about Temple Business. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Do I actually expect to get ripped in 90 days? Nah. But I do expect to have more energy and confidence. Most of all, I want to set a good example for my children, about our bodies and God's word. I for sure want to drop the ability to do the truffle shuffle.

Lest you think I'm walking into deprivation, I'll have you know my reward for the 60 minute workout last night was 3 spoonfuls of Starbucks caramel macchiato ice cream. And I don't feel even almost bad about it; it wasn't the whole pint. The Word says temperate (moderate) in all things.

So I'm all in for the next 88 days. Even if it means that I no longer walk down my stairs... it's more like a controlled fall.

5,4 - 3,2...,
Carolynn

The Kingdom is One Bigger

2009-07-28T20:40:00.005-05:00

I had the privilege of praying the salvation prayer with my Stepfather, Jim, last week in Florida.

To know how far we've come, I have to take you back.

There is an enemy and he is real. The Bible says, "Be alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion seeking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8) I didn't know the Lord until my twenties; when I was a little girl I had Jim confused with the enemy... because Satan had such a grip on our home.

At the time, Jim was an alcoholic, and my mother suffered from chronic migraines. Her doctors tired of treating her and to silence the problem, put her on huge amounts of narcotics on a daily basis. We lived in a beautiful country home on a lake.
Lakes still scare me.

Underneath the facade, we each fought our own demons there. It's too bad that at the time we didn't know we were all fighting the same one. I remember praying, begging, a God I didn't know, at a very early age.

I ran from the Gospel when I heard it because I couldn't love a God who let it happen, who looked away. The Footprints Poem is very dear to me now. The word says, "All things work together for good..." (Romans 8:28), but I couldn't fathom how God could justify, what was.

It has taken a lifetime to learn He didn't justify... He has redeemed.

Jim called me late one night about 10 years ago (after I had received Christ) and apologized, for everything. I forgave him on the spot. I knew that who he was, was not who he is.
None of us are.

He's been very sick lately. He has been at death's door again and again, which has mercilessly tormented my mother. He is not a monster. And I'm not a scared little girl.

So when I was there last week, one morning we sat around the table listening to the rain, and I said, "if you died tomorrow, are you sure you would meet Jesus in Heaven?" and he said no. It was a no that tore through me like lightning.

My pastor says we're not supposed to change the Word, it is supposed to change us. So it has.

We prayed together, hand in hand, and the Kingdom is one bigger. I left a Bible... just tonight on the phone we challenged each other to a race to see who will get through ours faster. He guaranteed me I would lose. My pleasure Jim, my pleasure.

Isaiah 55:10-11 says As the rain and the snow come down from Heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my Word that goes out from my mouth. It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Amen and Amen,
Carolynn

Praying for Stellan

2009-07-27T16:06:00.005-05:00

I have no words, please pray for Stellan.

The latest on his Mama's blog, My Charming Kids, said, "his heart is giving way."

Heavenly Father, hold this family close to your heart. You are the Great Physician, heal him to Your glory. Give his doctors wisdom and his family peace that surpasses all understanding, in Jesus' name, Amen.

***************UPDATE****************

MckMama updated, Stellan will be airlifted to Boston for surgery, it's possible he will need and can survive on a pacemaker.

Glory to God, keep praying.

Safe and Sound

2009-07-24T16:22:00.000-05:00

My children are home! Everyone has been cleaned up, checked out and settled in. There is a whole lot of complaining I could do about the last 2 weeks, but it's entirely overrated. In the end, everyone is safe and sound and that's really all that matters.

I have a third interview on Monday, I'm very optimistic it will pan out and I'm praying very hard for an even better opportunity my hats in the ring for. Time will tell which door God opens. I got a survey from Habitat for Humanity, so I'm not counting that door closed yet!

It's cold and rainy here tonight. Can't wait for dinner - bring on the comfort food! - and then it's jammies and movie night with my kiddies. We're going to do a coin toss for Little Joe (Veggie Tales) or High School Musical 3. Either way, there will be much singing, laughing and popcorn.

These are the Finer things in Life,
Carolynn

I'm Back

2009-07-20T22:18:00.004-05:00

Hey gang, it's Carolynn. Thank you for your prayers (again!) for my son.

I am typing this from the clouds over the Gulf of Mexico. When I flew out of Madison on Friday I had the privilege to see the sun rise over the clouds, from above the clouds. Rarely have I ever witnessed anything so beautiful. What I thought was a tough act to follow floored me when I saw the sun set from above the clouds tonight.

Tell me again why time speeds up on vacation? My mom and I had such fun. We laughed, we cried, we shopped, ate too much and *poof* there it went. More on that later. :)

Everybody wave and say, "hi X." Apparently he reads Willow Tree. No surprise, but I refuse to run again. He was not invited here and I've never said anything I wouldn't say to his face. Moving on!

I don't have all the details yet but it looks like I will be getting my children home very soon. Praise the Lord and pass the chaos. Which means, I better go unpack real quick like.

Blessings,
Carolynn

Stitches

2009-07-18T19:36:00.007-05:00

Hello everyone. I am Carolynn's sister, Kat. While she is away in sunny Florida she has asked me to guest post for her. While I'm excited to guest post for all you lovely folks, I wish that I had better news to share.

She got a call this evening from X stating that her 5 year old son was in the ER waiting to get stitches in his forehead. Apparently, while out to dinner with X and his folks, he fell off his chair smacking his head on the floor and splitting it open. So, combined with losing his front teeth, he now has stitches in his forehead. Poor little guy. It sure is rough being 5.

Needless to say, Carolynn is upset. Not good news to get while she is trying to enjoy the first real vacation she's had in over 10 years. Please say a prayer for the little man that he'll heal quickly and make it through the rest of his visit with X with no further injuries.

Warmest Regards,
Kat

Leavin' On A Jet Plane

2009-07-16T22:40:00.002-05:00

"All my bags are packed and ready to go..." At O' Dark-Thirty I'm boarding a plane and getting out of Dodge.

I'm going to visit my mother in Florida. We are going to hug and laugh and cry. Eat too much fast food, hit every flea market in the immediate area and go to the beach. Get this y'all... I'm going on VACATION.

I know, blows my mind too. I feel like I'm 8 all over again and going to Disney World. But this time I'll buy the post cards.

Still, I'm not entirely convinced it's more fun to be the grown up. This time I will grieve my Papa, who met Jesus when I was too pregnant with my daughter to travel for his funeral. I will sleep in the same room X and I shared the last time I went, 5 years ago. The only thing constant is change.

But in the end, I will still fall into my mother's arms and for a minute, I will know that she can still make it better. All of it. All of this messed up crazy life that God trusts me entirely too much with.

'Cause that's what Moms do.

So I'm leavin' on a jet plane. But um, yeah... I'll be back Monday. :)

Smile for Me,
Carolynn

Stupid Girl

2009-07-15T15:44:00.006-05:00

I called my ex-husband and asked for forgiveness today.
I did not call X.

Sorry, I'll give that a minute to sink in. I don't talk about him, ever. He's my oldest son's biological father. We got married when I was 19 and pregnant. How 'bout that for before I knew the Lord? Young, dumb and wildly in love turned into young, dumb and scared out of our minds. It couldn't have ended well. It should have ended better.

It ended with broken hearts and messed up minds. We both ran, fast and hard, in opposite directions. Him away, me to X. I'm sure now, 11 years later, there were 2 sides. Then I only saw my own. I saw a man that didn't want me, our son, or the one he made before me. I saw indifference. The night he told me if I died he would put our son up for adoption I stopped loving him. There's no fixing what you don't care about. He terminated his parental rights so X could adopt my son.

So that's where it ended. Right? I was listening to a message on forgiveness last night. Played it over and over again, stayed up til 1:00. And then it hit me. Not only had I chosen to blatantly and brashly not forgive him all these years. I never asked him to forgive me.

What kind of a messed up stupid girl do you think I was? 19 years old, playing house, and looking for salvation in the wrong place. Do you think he stood a chance? I was running from a messed up childhood, ignorant "adulthood" and expecting "dreams really do come true." He was indifferent. I was selfish. Mix those up... Kaboom.

I don't regret the split. I regret the years of anger since. I don't regret X either. Because I will never regret my children. X likes to remind me I am the common denominator in 2 failed marriages. I suppose that's true. Uncensored, with eyes wide open though, I can do something about it. If I don't learn from that stupid girl, neither will my daughter. If I don't teach my sons... neither will yours.

Do you know what he said to me? "I've had a long time to think, I'm sorry too. And all that aside, you're a sister in Christ." Do you know what we managed to do apart that we've never done together? Put a black eye on the devil today, yes sir we did.

Chin Up,
Carolynn

Are You Kidding Me?!?!?!

2009-07-10T21:20:00.003-05:00

X just called - my 5 year old son no longer has his 2 front teeth. Apparently when X wasn't watching them - AGAIN - my son tripped over my 10 year old and knocked out his teeth on a gravel driveway. They were loose, remember, because the last visit X wasn't watching them, the one before my daughter came home from X's with a yeast infection(!*&%$#@), my 5 year old bent his front teeth back when he hit the dresser. (They were healing up great.)

Please pray for Healing. Pray for Peace. For both of my sons, as my oldest thinks it's his fault. No baby, it's not.

Not sure if I have dental coverage since I'm in between jobs. They were baby teeth, Praise God... his adult teeth should come in in 2-3 years. Awesome. X was quick to remind me it could've happened on my watch. But it didn't. It never does.

I want them home RIGHT NOW. And I can't afford them to because I need a new job first. God, do you see this?

~Carolynn

I Quit.

2009-07-09T20:45:00.002-05:00

I resigned today.

I have been struggling with my job for months. Serious issues I've talked to HR about. Daily defeat. Coupled with the mind numbing news I got this week, the place has become Toxic to me.

Did I fight so hard out of one abusive relationship for another? Husband, Boss, Whatever. No matter that it has a Christian name. No matter that there are good people there, doing great work for the Kingdom. The small corner of that universe that I occupied was awful. In the end it doesn't matter who it is saying you're not good enough. I am.

So I'm released and it feels wonderful. I was blessed to form some amazing friendships, which will carry through. I have a unique opportunity to job search wile my children are with X. And I feel really good. I am choosing, deliberately choosing better, for myself. It's nice to know the more I do it, the easier it gets.

Peace Out,
Carolynn

Michael

2009-07-07T21:37:00.001-05:00

Rest In Peace.

Not All Sand Sinks

2009-06-29T21:31:00.003-05:00

Riddle me this. I owe $14,000 on a vehicle that is only worth $6,000 because $8,000 of debt from X's lease was put into this loan. With the market as is, there isn't a bank with money in it that will refinance it because it is so far upside down. I can't sell it because the loan holder will not release the title until it is paid in full. I can't let it be repossessed because I will still owe thousands of dollars for a vehicle I can't even drive. And I can't afford it. I put 1,000 miles a month on my vehicle for visitation trips alone. Between the payment, the gas and insurance, I spend almost $800 a month on my car. Not great when that's an entire paycheck. Super bad when I don't get child support.

Soooo... what's left? File bankruptcy? Immediately disqualified for Habitat For Humanity for 3 years. I don't know about you, but I can't seem to find any outrageously wealthy long lost uncles in my family tree.

I was talking with a friend at work today and she said, "you're gaining ground!" I immediately blurted out, yeah, but it's sandy ground. God is so good to me - the first thought after that - Normandy was a beach.

D-day of WWII started on sandy ground, on a beach. My favorite quote is, "Victory belongs to those who believe in it the most and believe in it the longest. We're gonna believe." I can't possibly see how, but God is going to help me take the beach. And once I get that under my feet, I'm going after the hill.

God gave Solomon wisdom and very great insight, and a breadth of understanding as measureless as the sand on the seashore. (1 Kings 4:29)

Me too, God, me too,
Carolynn

I'm Amazed

2009-06-25T21:15:00.008-05:00

I called X tonight. It was a brief, mostly one sided, conversation.
"I forgive you."

They were the hardest 3 words I've ever said.

God has brought forgiving X to me again and again in the last few weeks. I've been praying about it, because I knew I should, and I didn't want to. I didn't want to let it go, but the distance between right and happy are miles apart. I heard forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. I have wrestled with the understanding this choice may need to be made again and again.

The Bible says Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:12-15)

The thing about forgiveness is it is undeserved. Did we deserve it? No, but God gave it. What did Jesus say at the end? Forgive them Father, for they know not. I expected to call X with a decided forgiveness. In the end I called him and meant every word. We are called to forgive from the heart. (Matthew 18:35)

Satan has come after me with a vengeance this week. And this is why. Because he knows the choice to be kept in this pit is mine alone.

Did you know that when an elephant is sick, it is surrounded by the herd? They press in and hold the infirm one up. Because they know should it lay down, it surely means death. Thank you for pressing in, holding me up today. God did break the silence... he put a new song in my mouth.

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me.

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, rejoice over you with singing. (Zephania 3:17)

I am weary tonight. I am in the fire. But I will make it.

Please Press In,
Carolynn

By My Fingernails

2009-06-25T07:18:00.003-05:00

I feel like Margaret when Judy Bloom wrote, "Are you there God? It's me..." Carolynn. I'm hanging on by my fingernails today. I know the Bible says when you've done all you can do - STAND. Does on my knees count? I can't believe I'm in His blindspot, but it feels like it. I'm looking for Him, seeking Him, but I can't hear Him. His silence is worse than the noise when my life exploded 6 months ago.

Carolynn

All the Little Birdies Going Tweet Tweet Tweet

2009-06-20T16:05:00.004-05:00

Recently my sister alerted me that it was 2009. And that I should get with it. So now, because she is fabulous, you can find me on Twitter. I'm FreeIndeed4. Do you ~~twit~~ tweet? Is there a cliffnotes? I'm new here. There. You know.

Rockin' and a Bopin',
Carolynn

Happy Birthday Pumpy

2009-06-18T00:12:00.003-05:00

Five years ago when the doctor placed you on my chest I was changed. You were born with brown eyes, like mine, which is rare. When you looked at me, you looked into me, and I fell hopelessly in love with you. I pray never to recover.

All my life I will remember the first time I was alone with you. Your father had left, the nurses were busy and our hospital room was very quiet. I lifted you out of your bassinet, swaddled up tight, and brought you into my lap on the hospital bed. With more joy than Christmas, I unwrapped you, layer by layer, to see what I had felt for months.

I took you in for the longest time. How could something, someone, so perfect, come from this world? There we sat, with the sun setting behind us, and I began to sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow to you, when you started making noise. But I knew better. I knew what the psalmist meant when he wrote, "from the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise." (Psalm 8:2) We have sung to each other ever since, my son.

You are everything I hoped you would be, smart, caring, funny and more. You are fiercely loyal, determined and my word do you have spunk. I love the way you love your brother, pick on your sister and yet are her first protector if someone else does. I love that you always say, "got me" when I blow you kisses, that you can "read" How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight to me, because you've memorized it and that without fail you make "the face" at the dinner table at least once.

I love that faith is easy for you... A few short weeks ago we were listening to a recorded service from our church in Minnesota when Pastor Jeff gave the altar call, saying if you want to accept Jesus Christ as your savior, raise your hand. From the rear view mirror I watched as your little hand reach up from your car seat as high as it would go. You repeated the prayer of salvation word for word as the tears rolled down my face. Jesus said let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. (Matthew 19:14) I love that your faith has deepened my own.

When you were learning to speak I called you my pumpkin, you repeated it "my pumpy." I can hardly believe 5 years have come and gone, it seems you have always been with me. I remain grateful, in all the changes, sometimes nothing but Mama will do.

I don't know what I could have possibly done to deserve you, but the Bible tells me Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children are a reward from Him. (Psalm 127:3) I pray that you grow into a strong, loving, Godly man and that someday you have the privilege of hearing your son say your words back to you, "I love you soooooo much, you are so special to me."

Happy Birthday Pumpy.

Love,
Mama

The Meeting

2009-06-15T23:42:00.002-05:00

The Habitat For Humanity meeting tonight was great. Emotionally exhausting, but great. It's a fine line to walk, wanting something so badly, needing it, and being aware that the decision rests in the hands of someone else. I'm almost scared to hope... Almost.

So I'm, what do you call it? Visualizing. I can see the red door. I know that I'll hang flowers like these from my front porch. And of course, I can see us all swinging hammers. :)These are pictures I took at the Farmer's Market that is held downtown every Saturday. The flowers are so beautiful! My Pastor in Minnesota says he sees God everyday because he is looking for God. That one line is changing me. I am finding God meets me at my level of expectation. I want the blessings the Bible talks about, that chase me down and overtake me. So I'm looking for Him. Expecting to see Him move.

If we are selected, our home will begin construction in 2010, be ready by 2011. As unbelievable as the blessing would be... it is a long way off, we are far from home. I heard a song on the radio about being homesick for Heaven. I understood it for the first time tonight.

God, in His infinite ~~humor~~ wisdom, has a way of putting people in our paths. As I was talking with the speaker from HFH, after I cried the ugly cry, I found out he is the CEO. There's no accidents in the Kingdom. Why did God want him to hear my need?

I came home to 2 of my 3 children sick, a migraine and a 20 page application. Did I cry? YES. Am I holier than thou? Not even almost. I hurt, I struggle, I fail. But I'm going to get up tomorrow and seek Him, as I want Him to seek me. Thank you for your prayers, there are days they put my feet on the floor.

Carolynn

Will Work For Food

2009-06-13T23:22:00.004-05:00

I met a man named Allan and his dog Ruby today. He is a disabled veteran and he is hungry. I caught a glimpse of him when I pulled into the grocery store parking lot. Truthfully, I saw his sign first, it looked a lot like this one.
I heard about a sign like this a long time ago, when I was growing up. It belonged to my Stepfather. I don't know that I'll ever understand how he could've used the sign for money at Christmas time when he had benefits. But I know there are things I don't know. And I know that God uses ALL things together for good. Maybe the one who truly received the blessing then, was the one who gave it.

So when I came out of the grocery store, I walked hand in hand with my 10 year old son to meet this man. We came with a loaf of bread, bologna, chips and bottled water. I asked his name, he is more than his sign, and my son said, "we will pray for you." Today I had the privilege to see my son store up treasure in heaven. And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth he will certainly not lose his reward. (Matthew 10:42)

And yet I still left hurting. This man served our country and he is hungry. I left wishing I could have given him more, when I don't have more to give. He gave of himself for strangers and whether the need is true or untrue, he is asking us strangers to return the favor. I can't look away. I don't think I want that ache to disappear.

Lord Give Me Your Eyes,
Carolynn

Precious Metal

2009-06-12T20:27:00.011-05:00

My Pastor in Minnesota gave one of the best altar calls of my life last fall. He shared the key to true freedom is Jesus, that through Him we can unlock the blessings God has in store for us... and proceeded to drop a bunch of shiny, uncut keys on the platform. We all went forward, picking up keys, praying together to leave the altar changed, to understand what is possible with Jesus, to keep our blank keys and work towards unlocking the blessings. I still have mine, and the three I picked out for my children.
Precious Metal.

My prayer? That our keys will fit a door like this.A little beat up, but not ashamed of it, no this door has character. This is the door to my house. Only... I don't have one... yet. But I have this key, and more importantly, I have faith. I'm attending a meeting on Monday night for the application process with Habitat for Humanity. If I am selected, after 350 hours of sweat equity and a lot of paperwork to arrange payment on the no interest loan, I will be given a key to my very own front door. Precious Metal.

Remember that one of the ways I fought us out of Minnesota was leaving without child support. I praise God for my parents who opened their hearts and home to us 6 months ago. I vividly remember what the door of the shelter looks like; without their generosity that's where we would be.

Do you remember the parable of the widow and the unjust judge? Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and never give up. He said, "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.' For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. Will not God bring about justice for His chosen ones, who cry out to Him day and night? Will He keep putting them off? I tell you, He will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?" (Luke 18:1-8)

I will be that woman. I will bother the Lord day and night, do my best to wear Him out with coming to His throne, begging for a home of my own. And the One who walks on streets of gold, on precious metal, will find faith here, and answer me. The Bible says one can put 1,000 (angels) to flight, two put 10,000. Please pray that we will find favor, be chosen, be blessed, be home.

Hammer in Hand,
Carolynn

***Update After The Meeting***

Traveling Gospel Choir

2009-06-11T06:33:00.003-05:00

What's in your cd player? Right now I'm listening to Daystar, it is the current soundtrack of my life. I swear I'm like Ally McBeal sometimes.

I'm increasingly aware that my children might not always listen to me, but they always imitate me. I can't dwell on what they've seen. But when you know better, you do better, right?

My sons (10 & 4) sing every single word of this song. We're like a little traveling gospel choir every morning, driving down the beltline. It is so much fun! Because who really wants to start the day with 30 minutes of don't touch him, quit looking at her, I can't hear the traffic report! Blech. Halleluja Anyhow!

One More Time,
Carolynn

Movin' On Up

2009-06-09T19:46:00.005-05:00

One might say, "I literally repel technology." So show and tell today might not be news to you but I just discovered Google Books, where you can search and preview all kinds of books. (What did we do before Google??)

I found it by searching for a good way to tell you about my new favorite book, Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore. Everyone should read this book. Click here to see a Google Books preview of it; in the bottom left corner you can choose the chapters you want to read.

Ladies and gentlemen I do believe I've been pit dwelling. And I'm honest enough to say I jumped in with both feet. But. Today I'm movin' on up. Because even though I decorated the pit... it's a pit. And this child of God was not made for living in a hole.

I am grateful for the roadmap out of the pit. I confess, I feel like Dorothy when Glinda said, "...she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself." I've been hunting around the dirt floor of my pit for a flashlight. I've been (theoretically) moving my Bible around the whole time because I was busy searching for my flashlight. Yeah, let that sink in... and raise your hand if you can join the club.

I believe. Every day of the last 6 months I've believed. But faith without works is dead. (James 2:20) So what good does it do to believe God will rescue me, if I don't choose to quit standing in the mud? Beth says, it's God's job to lift me out, it's my job to hold on to Him for dear life. I'll take that road all the way out of the hole.

It's Movin' Day,
Carolynn

Sweeter than a Mil-won Dow-ars

2009-06-08T20:24:00.003-05:00

When I changed my daughter's diaper after she got home from 4 days in Minnesota, she lost her mind. Crawling up the bed, kicking, screaming, crying, lost. her. mind. Every warning signal mothers come with went off at max volume. I got her calmed down and she passed out on me at 6:00 last night.

This morning when the clinic opened we were in line at her Doctors office. The nurse asked me what she needed to be seen for and I half choked out what happened while my daughter cried and said, "Mama my butt hurts" but she was patting her front. I have never seen the medical community move so fast in all my life.

PRAISE GOD, it turned out to be an infection because she had not been cleaned properly. I did not believe X touched her. But I didn't know who had access to her. All I knew was something was very wrong. And that I was not afraid of jail time.

Perspective is really something. Gone is feeling even almost sorry for myself. I can clearly see tonight, for the first time in a long time, how blessed I am, all over again. So life is not what I thought it would be. It's also not what I feared it would be.

It's been pretty quiet here at Willow Tree because I've been operating on a philosophy of my Grams, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." A couple of really smart women in my family are teaching me another one, "find something to be grateful for every day, and write it down."

Today I am grateful for my healthy daughter. She's cleaned up and on antibiotics, sleeping on me again tonight. When she finished her medicine today she said, "here Mama, wan' a mil-won dowars?" as she gave me her baby doll. NOTHING is sweeter than my healthy, untouched, baby doll. Not even a million dollars.

I Praise You Jesus.

Grateful,
Carolynn

Emptied Out

2009-06-03T22:44:00.003-05:00

Eighteen months ago I called my mother asking, "how will I know when I'm done having babies?" She answered, "when you look around the room... and nobody is missing from your family." Tonight my heart is raw, but nevertheless I am done. My surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9:30.

There's no right response, but here's a few of the wrong ones I've gotten.
Well sure, of course you are. No, I wasn't.
Oh? Good for you! (and moves on like the weather is more important) Really? Nothing about this feels good. Right, maybe, but not good.
Or worst of all if my face gives me away, I get the look back of but you're already a single mom of three. Yeah. I am.
Of course I have gotten the why rush it? You're only 30 and you're still a pretty girl. Oh! Well in that case. Ugh.

You know what? Even if Prince Charming himself showed up, I will never allow myself to get that close again. And over my dead body will I fight my children out twice. Not to mention, what if I let Prince Charming in and he gets hit by a bus? I know I can handle raising my 3 children on my own. I also know my limit is 3.

But. 18 months ago when I called my mother seeking answers did I see myself going in for surgery alone tomorrow? Shipping my babies off to X for a 4 day weekend so I could lay in bed and cry from pain and broken dreams? Hell no. In a rare turn of events, he hugged me tonight and told me he was praying for me. I can't tell you what that cost me. I wanted to shove him away and tell him I don't need you, like he doesn't need me because his new girlfriend fills the spot. But DAMN it, I did.

Carolynn

Remember

2009-05-23T23:41:00.002-05:00

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate... we can not consecrate... we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government : of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

~Abraham Lincloln
Gettysburg, 1863

Remember Memorial Day

Believin'

2009-05-21T05:46:00.003-05:00

I've decided to go back to school. I want to say I'm going to try to go back, but after all, "Hope Is Not A Plan." So here in print there is some accountability.

When I was mulling it over I I told a friend at work, "Who do I think I am, raising 3 children on my own, working full time, part time, and thinking I can go back to school?" And this wise woman answered "Somebody, that's who!" You're darn right.

Part time classes on my laptop after the kids are in bed will be a huge confidence boost, and step by step, they'll build my resume into something worthy. It is a statistical fact that 52% of the single mothers in our country live below the poverty line for the rest of their lives. Well. Not this one! Is that what I want to show my children? That we fought for less?

I know you guys are a wealth of information, so lay it on me. Tell me every tip, trick and scholarship you know of!

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (Mark 11:24)

Believin' For More,
Carolynn

Heaven Sent

2009-05-14T14:58:00.011-05:00

My sons and I started a Divorce Care group at a new church last night. It's fabulous. The children's group discusses the same topics as the adult group, at their level. It's a safe place for them to work through this and make friends with kids in the same boat. And whoamygosh, I get to decompress too. I've been too busy to work through too much of the divorce. I'm never getting married again, but I sure don't want to keep making the same mistakes. I want to learn, so I can really heal.

We drove home in a thunderstorm though, which really bothered my youngest. I've said it before, but my oldest is a Genius because he said, "hey, let's pretend the lightning is God's camera!" So for the 20 minute drive home we yelled, "CHEESE!" at the top of our lungs when it lightninged. (is that a word?)

It brought unspeakable joy.

It's been raining a lot in our lives lately. What a relief to laugh in it! Rain makes all things new. Jesus bring the rain. Tell me you're not twitterpaited with the smell after rain. We've got a rainbow coming, I can just feel it.

Cheese!
Carolynn

Hup Hup Hupt Hap-py Birfday!

2009-04-30T06:25:00.007-05:00

Did you get the Cinderella reference? I do love me some Gus Gus. Disney movie lines like that people. It's a gift.

Today is my Golden Birthday, I'm 30! I've been waiting for this birthday all my life. True of every birthday I suppose, but this one I've planned since I figured out what a Golden Birthday was.

It's different than I thought it would be, but better. There's no outrageous black tie gold event, (ever mention I'm a fan of old 40's movies?) but I've figured out who I want to be and I'm working hard to get there. I say if it only took me to 30, maybe I'm not entirely late to the party afterall.

My family surprised me with a grown up dinner at a fancy restaurant last Saturday. And I don't mean it was fancy just because there was no drive through. I'm talking Fancy Schmancy! It was the first birthday party I've had in 7 years. It was one of those nights you want to go on and on and keep with you, locked up tight in your heart. They gave me a pair of gold earrings and a gold ring, with an open heart. Do you remember what my necklace says? "If your heart is open it can never stay broken."

Here's to ruining my diet with full force and to the next 30.

Say it With Me C-A-K-E,
Carolynn

Up For Air

2009-04-16T06:49:00.003-05:00

So I got paid yesterday and couldn't for the life of me figure out where all the money went. The ironic humor that it was April 15th was not lost on me.

I paid the bills I could and tried to be grateful for what was left, even though it was not enough. I was too tired to fight it out in my head or with a calculator. I went to bed praying His grace would indeed be sufficient.

What to my wondering eyes should appear today but my check stub (I have direct deposit) and on it is the missing piece - $145 was put, BY ME, into my flex plan for day care. With a V8 smack to my forehead I am grateful to still be hanging onto the edge, as opposed to being thrown over it.

God is good. And flex plans aren't for dummies.

Blessings,
Carolynn

PS, I miss you, all of you out here in the blogosphere. I will try to come up for air more often. Weeks like this makes me feel like I'm held below the water, but dang I'm grateful His mercies are new every morning, Amen? Love, C~

In My Spare Time

2009-04-04T20:32:00.001-05:00

Think it's too late to learn how to do this?

No, Seriously.

Carolynn

Cleaning the Toilet Will Be the Death of Me

2009-03-28T13:08:00.003-05:00

Remember when your mother would say, "clean the bathroom, it's not going to kill you"? It would seem my mother underestimated my, um, talented use of The Works.

Who could forget my first call to Poison Control when I got it in my eyes?

And now, may I add to the list for your amusement, asphyxiation by commode.

It was a fierce week at work and well, I'm a Monica, cleaning makes me feel better. I was tackling the bathroom and thought, multitasking is good! ...right? Did you know if you're letting The Works do it's thing in your toilet bowl and you spray Windex all over the rim in effort to get through the chore faster, you will create toxic blue smoke? Huh.

I mean! Thank goodness it's Spring and I was able to fling open the window and turn the fan on. (Not that you'd know it's Spring because we're supposed to get 4 inches of snow today, but that's for another post.) Turns out my little science experiment is a common mistake, but one rarely repeated.

That's what I'm here for folks, Public Service at every turn,
Carolynn

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

2009-03-22T14:17:00.005-05:00

So my Dad and Step-mom took us out for lunch today. And out of nowhere, my oldest son says, "Mom, your face is refracting." ....um, wha?? came to mind. So I say what do you mean and he says, "Mom, refraction is like when you put a pencil in a glass of water and it appears to be broken, but really the view of the mass is distorted."

Ooooookay then. Apparently my 10 year old is a genius. And the light coming through the window at Culver's was not flattering.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up,
Carolynn

Confetti

2009-03-19T23:17:00.005-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen... CONFETTI!

It is finished, the divorce is final. Thank you for your love, prayers, support, encouragement and laughter. I thank God for the laughter.

I wasn't expecting the hurt to come. It's there though, like a death. I guess I was so worried about getting out I never grieved the loss. Was every day of 7 years bad? No. But the whole was greater than the sum of it's parts; it was bad enough that this had to happen. Turn the wheel and break the chain though right? The cycle of abuse must stop here.

I used to say I would be happy if I could teach my children only two things - Follow Jesus and have good credit. Equally important - break the chain. I refuse and rebuke the idea that my sons would ever think this kind of warped relationship is right. My daughter musn't ever know what this road feels like. I'll be damned if I watch her earn the t-shirt.

So I'll celebrate that,
Carolynn

You Say Quirky, I Say Me

2009-03-09T21:38:00.004-05:00

My pal Sara wants to know my quirks. Who me? You must be joking! (snort.)

1. I am afraid of the dark. I'm not even almost embarrassed about it. I'm a nightlight addict, they're everywhere. Well really, who wants to break their neck in the middle of the night trying to get a drink of water or be tripped out there's a spider on the wall that only comes out in the dark? Anybody?

2. I sleep with my contacts in. For months at a time. Lasik you ask? Dream on wonder bunny; I have a very low pain tolerance. Can you believe I had 3 babies? Neither can I. I usually forget about my contacts, but right now my glasses are in storage.

3. All I want for my birthday (4/30) are things I already own in my storage unit. Eye glasses, Easter dresses, a box of shoes... Sweet mercy, my shoes.

4. I adore high heels. I only own two pairs of shoes that do not have 3 inch heels. I must have at least 2 dozen pairs. In my defense, my shoe ~~habit~~ collection is the only thing that belongs to me. I mean, as a mother, every other possession I have is practically communal property. But the heels? They're mine. And, let's face it, dang cute.

5. I'm an American Idol junky. Not just a fan. No siree. I still call and vote. I may or may not yell at my television. But I always agree with Simon.

6. The only other television program I have to watch, is the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. It's an event people. I put a countdown on my blog for it. Oh yes I did. Talk all you want through the floats, yes, yes, I love the Kermit the Frog balloon too, but when the Broadway shows come on be quiet - Mama waits all year for this. Plus, when the man in the big red suit finishes the show, I've got full rights to decorate for Christmas. You wait until the next day? Slackers.

7. I'm a Monica. And after the divorce I'm a little bit Ross. Hmm... Guess I'm a Geller.

I tag Diapers & Divinity, Dinkypops No More, Domestically Challenged, Granny on the Web, My Real Life Was Backordered, Peach Out of Water, and Write Stuff.

I KNOW!,
Carolynn

WFMW - Fresh Laundry

2009-03-03T21:45:00.008-06:00

Kristen wants to know our favorite WFMW. Hands down, it's this one. Want to know the best way to keep clothes and linens smelling like you just took them out of the dryer? Get a Yankee Candle Car Jar, clean cotton scent.

Yep, I just said car air freshener. Stay with me now. Follow the directions on the package to open and release a little bit of the scent at a time. (Because seriously, throwing the entire wrapper away will make your eyes water.) Loop it on a clothes hanger and hang it in your closet or place it on a shelf with your linens and voila! Your laundry will always smell fantastic. Cut away more of the packaging as the scent begins to fade, to release more. This $3 investment can last months.
You can use any scent that floats your boat, I'm just a huge fan of Clean Cotton. My house may not always be clean, but it sure smells clean! I know my idea sounds crazy, but if I could put a scratch-n-sniff link out here you'd be a believer!

Works For Me,
Carolynn

Mix Tape Monday

2009-03-02T21:09:00.002-06:00

Sara at Interpret Sass has the best meme in the blogosphere this week: Mix-Tape Monday!

Tell me you remember mix-tapes. Tapes at all! I got my first walkman when I was 8; I'll have you know it was pink. My first tape? Bon Jovi. Let's not discuss the fact that my daughter will never get an album called Slippery When Wet ~~when she's 8~~ ever. Instead, just remember how much fun singing along to this song was. Is. You know.

Can we take a moment of silence for the genius who made cd players with a repeat button? Anyone else make a mix-tape of one song over and over again so you wouldn't wear out the rewind button on your boom box? Just me? Forget I mentioned it.

Rock On,

Carolynn

Just Eat Your Brownie

2009-02-28T22:24:00.004-06:00

I logged on to blog and couldn't think of a single thing to write. It felt really good to read all of yours, even if I have demoted myself to lurking, because I'm just so tired. Happy, blessed, but tired. So I dug through my old blog and this one really spoke to me... I'm finally to the place where I can pick and choose which parts of my past I want to bring with me into my fresh start; this is one of them.

Last year when my oldest son was on vacation with Grandma in Florida, a storm moved through one night. She was in another room, he was eating a brownie at her kitchen table, when the power went out. She heard him scoot his chair back right away; to get up and go where, it's hard to say. She called out, "Just eat your brownie." He replied with a "huh?" Here comes wisdom. Her response was, "well so what if the lights went out, you still know where you are at the table, and your brownie still tastes good, even in the dark." Genius.

Stay with me here, is that not deep? At the very least life applicable? Next time someone starts complaining (yes, even you and me), say, "just eat your brownie." Be grateful for what you do have when the lights go out; don't consider your blessing lost just because your circumstances have darkened.

She's One Smart ~~cookie~~ Brownie,
Carolynn

Note To Self

2009-02-24T08:17:00.005-06:00

Dear Self,

You are almost 30 years old. For crying out loud, don't you know you can't sit down for "just a minute" when the alarm clock goes off at dawn? Sheesh.

That is all.

I Mean Really,
Carolynn

All The Single Mama's

2009-02-19T21:51:00.005-06:00

To all the single mama's in the blogosphere I salute you. Wow-za. The only time I've had to blog I've used to sleep. I'm talking the stop-moving-at-10:00-fall-into-bed-and-pass-out-from-
exhaustion-until-dawn-rolls-around kind of sleep. All of a sudden I looked up and 7 days have passed!

I started my new job and L-O-V-E it. Cannot say enough good things about it! It is so clear how intentionally part of His plan for my healing it is, that I am where I am. No accidents in the Kingdom! He has made some divine connections and I am starting to find a bit more of me. The other day I looked in the mirror and thought, "oh there you are! I know you."

Remember when I said my youngest 2 were fine? What did I know. They loved the first 2 days. And have hated the last 3. Apparently the novelty of day care has worn off and they're fully aware this routine is not temporary. May I just add they are not big fans. My daughter has cried the entire day for the last 2. (that's a total of 18 hours y'all.) My son sobbed all the way there (30 minute commute) because the teacher, "makes me take a naaaaaap!" Poor guy. I feel awful for them, but that one gave me a laugh. Laugh or cry, laugh or cry.

Their teachers are great. I trust them when they tell me this too shall pass. Because every child goes through it. Just doesn't make me feel a whole lot better when it's my babies we're talking about. Of course it could be worse; I could be crying about going to work too. Then we'd be a sorry lot for sure.

I still ache for a home of my own, but I'm understanding the value of the village. You know, takes a village to raise a child? I'm praising God for this village every day. Every time dinner is made, a basket of laundry is folded, or a lost set of mittens is found I am grateful. Honestly I'm a little panicked about doing it all, all on my own. So I'm slowing down. I'm watching the single mother's around me, and pulling out the pieces I think will work best for us. Someday I too will be able to help a new single mother by making her laugh with the best line I've heard yet, "been there, done that, got the t-shirt. And you can too."

One Day At A Time,
Carolynn

A-Z About Me

2009-02-12T11:36:00.007-06:00

Attached or Single? Single.

Best Friend? My sister.

Cake or Pie? My Grams' German Chocolate Cake. Have mercy, could she make a cake.

Day of Choice? Sunday!

Essential Item? Cherry coke. I can say with all sincerity that I am addicted to soda. I quit smoking years ago, nicotine's got nothing on this stuff. If they made a soda patch I'd wear 7.

Flavor of Ice Cream? Pistachio or Blue Moon

Gummy Bears or Worms? blech. My favorite candy is those neon orange circus peanuts. Don't judge me.

Hometown? Madison, Wisconsin

Indulgences? Staying up really late to read.

January or July? July! Summer doesn't last all that long here.

Kids? 3, the true loves of my life.

Last Movie I Saw in the Theater? Australia! Hey Katalyst, want to go see it?? (I've been hounding her since um, December to go with me.)

Middle Name? Kay

Number of Siblings? 1

Oranges or Apples? Apples; citrus fruit makes my face funny, like eating sour candy nothankyouverymuch.

Phobia or Fear? I'm phobic about anything with more than 4 legs (or less than 2)! For sure the big uglies, but I'm telling you even Asian Beetles freak me out. There is no such thing as a pretty bug; even butterflies make me nervous. Big ugly bug in the middle.

Quote? Victory belongs to those who believe in it the most and believe in it the longest. We're gonna believe.

Reason to Smile? I got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart!

Season? It used to be Autumn, but now it is definitely Spring, when all things are New. Of course up here the actual seasons are Almost winter, Winter, Still winter and Road construction.

Tag 5 More I can't decide, if you play along let me know!

Unknown Fact About Me? I wanted to be on Broadway... and I have horrific stage fright. I can only sing at church, for my children, or in the car.

Vegetarian or Carnivore? I'm way too picky of an eater to be a vegetarian; I'd likely starve to death.

Worst Habit? Procrastination and biting my fingers. Note to self: start working on not doing that. Both. Again.

Ultrasounds or X-rays? Ultrasounds! You get X-rays when something is broke. To be clear, I am very done having babies, but oh how I will miss seeing my child move inside my body. Mind Blowing.

Your Favorite Food? Cheese and potatoes any way you make it, slice it, or dice it. All the better if they're together.

Zodiac? Taurus and I'm stubborn as all get out, but I don't believe the hocus pocus of horiscopes.

That's All Folks,
Carolynn

Revisiting Last Times

2009-02-11T22:30:00.010-06:00

On my old blog I wrote a post called Last Times. Tonight I can't help but realize this is the last night I will ever be a Stay at Home Mother. I am excited about what God has in store for us, but just for tonight, I want to stop the clock, stretch it out. Tonight the lullabies will go on and on.

Last Times, Baby Tunnel Exodus, June 2008...

I'm a big fan of "last times" ...in a kind of weird way. I have to know; I'm obsessed with closure. Take the day the exersaucer went to the basement. I literally went down there, brought it back, set it up and put my daughter in it (she was less than enthused, there was a reason it was put away). Then I could let it go knowing it was the last time my children would use it.

That being said, another mile of my daughter's babyness has been crossed... she is sleeping in a twin bed. Around 11:00 on the last night in her crib I crept into her room, picked up my sleepy baby girl in her footy pajamas and we rocked in the moon light one last time. I am excited for all the big girl things coming our way, but I will miss - to my very core - the honor of rocking my child, her breath on my neck, back to sleep in the closest thing I can name to Heavenly Peace.

I memorized her nursery for the last time, knowing tomorrow it would be a big girl room. I closed my eyes to close that out and rested my head on hers to remember. Breathing in her lavender scent I remembered how it felt to rock her in the beginning. In that moment I was grateful for every day, every sleepless hour, I nursed her. I remembered the first morning I went in to pick her up and she was standing up by herself and waving at me. I remembered the sound of her playing alone in her crib, safe and content, as she started waking up without a 5 alarm demand to eat. I cherished the times she tried out her new voice by calling out to us in the morning, "Mama? Maaaamaaaa? ...Dada? DADA!" We rocked for a long time that night. We rocked past the anguish of the day our doctor tested her tiny body for leukemia. We rocked through her healing; rocked past the last first crawl, the last first steps. We rocked through her babyness.

When I returned my last baby to her crib for the last time, yes, my heart ached. Yes, I momentarily wavered in the unchangeable decision to be done having babies. Yes I cried. But did I regret it? Not for an instant. There was a day not too long ago that I fell on my knees and begged God to grow her up! A time that I counted her calories, and prayed her out of "Failure to Thrive." God has blessed us beyond measure! I was sad it was the final last time, but I am so grateful to see her grow.

The Bible says, The Lord your God is with you. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephania 3:17) I knew as I whispered Brahms in the dark to my baby girl that I would sing it to her the next day when she was a big girl, and again in the next chapter when she needs it. I will sing it over her all her life, as the Lord sings over us. May I be blessed enough to one day sing it over my children's children.

I'm so grateful there's no such thing as the last time for lullabies.

Goodnight Moon,
Carolynn

In the Top of the Willow Tree

2009-02-09T21:57:00.007-06:00

When I opened my blog back up it felt so good, but when I came down from that I thought, "hmm, now what?" My last blog had a clearly defined purpose; coming out of the Baby Tunnel. But this one? This has been my sanctuary. A fresh start. A lifeline to the new normal in the worst part of the darkness. Now that there's light...?

I know what I don't want Willow Tree to be; a collection of sob stories, poor me tales and woes. Because I really believe blogs reflect the lives of their writers. And that's not the kind of life I want! I want this page to be me. Honest, funny, pleasing to Him and real. Will I have another tantrum? It's possible. Will I turn another corner? You better believe it. But what I really want is to laugh again.

I've been praying about what to write... you know He has a sense of humor. Here's what He gave me, "Children are notorious for driving mothers up a tree. Welcome to mine." After all, isn't the blogosphere really a forest of all our trees?

Let's Laugh,
Carolynn

Unapologeticly Me

2009-02-06T17:04:00.003-06:00

I'm back! Willow Tree has been opened back up because I've decided to be unapologeticly me.

To my faithful circle I send out love and hugs; know that you have been integral in my long road home. I love you guys.

Nothing to hide, no one to fear. Dang, that feels good.

This Is Mine,
Carolynn

Would You Like A Sticker?

2009-02-05T21:04:00.011-06:00

Thank you Jesus and thank you for praying! I Got The Job, I start next Friday! I'm thrilled, it's a terrific mission and working in an office that speaks the name of our Savior is exactly what I need.

I found childcare close by for my youngest son and daughter (oldest is in school). I can pop in on a break or a whim to check on them, we can have lunch together every day if I would like to! That makes the transition so much easier on me. They're fine. We went to check out the center and they were like, "see ya mom!" I'm a puddle on the inside... in the back of my mind I'm still a little bitter about not having the next 2 years at home with my children like I was "supposed" to. But I remind myself the alternative, the price of that, is one I could not bear to pay another day.

So this will be good for all of us. I'll get to put makeup on and talk to grown ups, they'll get a head start on social development. Plus, let's face it, we all appreciate a macaroni art project a little more when it wasn't our dining room that was destroyed in the process. And assistance in potty training a two year old? I rest my case.

Since I only received $19.00 of child support in January, I don't have high hopes for February; even with my victorious new job, I'll need another. Would you like a sticker? I'm practicing while I wait for my interviews with Wal-Mart and Target for a nights and weekends job. If God hadn't given me humor I'd have waved the white flag a long time ago.

When we first came to Wisconsin I was hoping for a quick fix of my destroyed life. Six weeks later I understand a solid fix, one that's built a lesson at a time, is what will last us. I'm changing habits, thought patterns, our path, one day at a time. I do believe I'm getting ready to see the mountaintop.

The Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast desert... the Lord your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything. (Deuteronomy 2:7)

High Five,
Carolynn

Mayberry

2009-02-04T22:27:00.010-06:00

There are days I'm sure the world could fix itself if everyone adopted a Mayberry state of mind.

What is the world coming to when delivery drivers are being robbed at gunpoint??

But then I am reminded that even Mayberry had crime... they had a Sheriff, a Deputy and a frequently used jail, after all. I'm supposed to hear back about a job tomorrow. It's an administrative job with a national Christian organization dedicated to spreading the Gospel in college campuses. Things are really starting to look up! I still have a long way to walk, but I feel like I'm finally out of the tunnel.

I'm going to open my blog back up soon too. Bit by bit, step by step, I'll make my own Mayberry... and I'm The Sheriff.

Carolynn

His Hands in the Hudson

2009-02-02T22:12:00.005-06:00

Have you seen this picture?? I got it in an email called, "What Really Happened On The Hudson."

I cheered for the crew when they came out on the field at the Superbowl. Angels do walk among us.

I Believe,
Carolynn

The Winner...

2009-02-01T21:22:00.003-06:00

I was rooting for the underdog, but let's face it... I watched 4 hours of football for the commercials. This one was by far the crowd favorite at our house. Well, that and the Chex Mix.

Which one was your favorite? Did your team win?

Confetti!,
Carolynn

Slackin' Off

2009-01-30T16:40:00.005-06:00

70%

I found out about this from my best girl Francesca at Three Bay B Chicks and just had to know... how addicted am I? Apparently, I'm slacking off. Because really? 70%? It's like I'm an amateur or something.

How addicted are You?

Must. Blog.,
Carolynn

Small Stuff

2009-01-27T13:23:00.022-06:00

What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up, go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside a problem
that seems so big at the time, it's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole.
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by, moving so fast
you better make it count
'cause you can't get it back

This song has been speaking to my soul all day. Did you hear what I heard?? X is just a grain of sand. God will take me to the mountain, I don't have to climb it by myself! My Dad has always said be mad for 5 minutes and then let it go. I needed to have a good fit, but I learned something once it was all out. I have a right to be angry, but I will not give X the right to ruin my new life in consuming anger.

I have ~~everything~~ everyone, that matters. Space may be tight, but I've missed my family like crazy for years. I may not have all the details planned, but I have a job interview with a Christian company tomorrow that I'm really excited about; it's a start. I have been covered in prayer, my camp has been circled by angels, bloggers, friends, that have made all the difference.

Time to stop sweatin the small stuff.

Making It Count,
Carolynn

A Much Needed Tantrum

2009-01-26T10:48:00.025-06:00

I haven't posted in a while. I've been so flaming angry, I didn't want to. But I've been reminded by some dear friends that writing helps and its about time I let it out; holding it in will make me shoot off like a roman candle. Thanks for loving me through this.

I want to kick and scream and break some dishes.

I'm supposed to be in Hawaii right now. The trip was bought and paid for last summer. Oh, X is there alright. And he gave my ticket to a family member of his with a similar name. He wouldn't even let me rearrange the ticket, no sir. He's sitting on the beach laughing. I'm supposed to be happily married, sitting in paradise planning the rosy future of our family. (*screaming*) Everything I fought so hard for, everything I covered up, tried to fix, stayed anyway for, was for nothing. Instead I'm alone, scared, severely ticked off, and I'm determined, but desperately struggling to, keep a straight face here in the tundra of Wisconsin.

He's blown off or rearranged his visitations 3 times running. He's in Hawaii for the next 2 weeks and should have the children for the weekend after, but that just doesn't work for him. The kids are going absolutely stir crazy and are pulling me down with them.

I am beyond grateful for my parents generosity, but let me break it down. There eight people living in the house right now. Me and my children are half the population! I can't childproof everything and I can't keep them quiet or dammit even well behaved all of the time. They don't know which end is up! I will be spending my afternoon scrubbing sharpie marker off their (new!) kitchen counter and computer keyboard. I will be buying cabinet locks for the bathroom so I won't catch them playing with hazards and I will continue to look for a job.

I hope X swallows a bug in his umbrella drink tonight at his birthday party.

X transferred in $900 to his checking account before the trip. He just put in another $800. Want to guess how much child support I got this month? $19.00 cash. Oh! And the moron put the wrong alternator in my car this summer, so I just had to replace that to the tune of $350.00 too. Seriously?? Augh!!!!

It would help so much if I had found a good spirit filled church by now, but I haven't. I know that the longer I'm away the more the enemy will attempt to do business. But I also know that when I count my blessings the list is far longer than my troubles. Hebrews 10:36 says You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. Isn't that a kick in the pants to get pulled out of a funk by my children's Veggie Tales wrap up?

Last night we went to Perkins for dinner; it was a world away from the last time. If God can do this much in 30 days, how much more can He do in the next? I know that once the paperwork gets put through the ball will start rolling. I know that when it does it will bring its own set of challenges. I'm just ready to be there. Where I'm sitting today, the destination looks far better than the journey... but His ways are higher than mine. Persevere. I am so grateful my God can handle me crying and pounding on His chest screaming it's not fair!

Still, a good tantrum always makes a gal feel better. Maybe now is the time to take those photos to send in with my application to TLC's What Not To Wear; I look rotten enough to be a sure pick, not to mention I'm ready to burn the clothes I was given at the Shelter. Aaaaaaand there's always day dreaming about shark attacks, volcano eruptions, or the idea X will just stay in Hawaii forever. I got your $19.00 right here buddy.

All Better Now,
Carolynn

Valley Of The Shadow

2009-01-14T13:52:00.007-06:00

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures: he leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul, he leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For You are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:1-4)

Late one night when we were in the shelter, I was listening to Christian radio and learned something I will never forget.

Most people know this Psalm; here's what gets overlooked: we all walk through this valley at some point, but it is of the Shadow of death, not death itself! What harm can a shadow do? Are children frightened of shadows when their parents are with them? No! The word tells me He, Almighty God, is beside me in the valley; I have nothing to fear.

It blows my mind. It gives me peace. It brings me to my knees in thanksgiving.

Did you know in Biblical times, shepherds would break the leg of a sheep who continued to wander away? Not in a place that would cripple them, not of malicious intent, but to keep them safe from the wolves that waited for strays. The sheep would then be carried by the shepherd until healed... and never wandered far again.

I believe God broke my leg last year. He didn't do it to harm me; He did it to save me. Did it hurt? Yes! But I have been carried by Him, I yearn to be close to Him, and I have been lifted up and away from those who would harm me. I may limp a little but I am more whole than I've ever been.

Carried,
Carolynn

Super Wal-Mart How I Love Thee

2009-01-12T20:09:00.003-06:00

I've found you can divide consumers in two categories, you're loyal to Target or Wal-Mart. Not everyone's a fan of their politics, but as a consumer I adore Wal-Mart.

Are there fancy schmancy displays? Nope. Do they have a Starbucks? No there too. But their prices are unbeatable, the quality is all over the place and at the super stores the customer service is stellar. I'm a single mother of three. Being able to go to one store, with a parking ramp, to buy groceries and everything else under the sun in a one stop shop is terrific.

Don't even get me started on their generic line, Equate. God's gift to budgeters everywhere. Just yesterday I needed some allergy pills; a 10 count box of Claritin was $10.00, a 30 count box of Equate's version (same ingredients!) was $4.00. I haven't found an Equate product I don't like yet.

Where Do You Shop?
Carolynn

Australia

2009-01-09T20:11:00.005-06:00

Tell me, bloggy friends, that you've seen the movie Australia. I have. A couple times. Well, no more like a few. Alright still a fib, more like a handful. Fine, alright I confess; 8. That's right I said I've seen it eight times in the theater.

In my defense, I had a gift card and I used it to hide out while X had my children for visitation, then like any good friend I had to take a few friends to share the awesomeness, but yeah... we're talking a wee tiny bit obsessed. Course, nothing new there... anyone that came over from my last blog knows I'm a tad OCD.

So, anyway, Australia is the best movie I've seen in years. Sure it's almost 3 hours long, but tell me the last movie that was worth the admission price, let alone more for your money. For me it was reminiscent of Gone With The Wind (I'm a huge fan) and Pearl Harbor (same here) tossed together with shots you only get from Planet Earth and a fantastic score. What's not to love?

Matinees are $5.00. You know what I'm gonna tell you about concessions because, who loves you baby? Go to the Dollar Store and load up the big purse. Bada bing, you've got a full afternoon of entertainment for less than $10.00.

The endearing bonus is that Somewhere Over The Rainbow, and the love of a mother get weaved into the heart of this story. Need I say more?

Shooting For Nine,
Carolynn

Have You?

2009-01-07T13:11:00.004-06:00

My pal Minnesota Mom introduced me to a fun meme today. To play along copy the list and bold the things you've done. I had 1/3 of the list... boy there's a big big world out there for me to go see! Of course not every thing on the list is for me, like yeah, I don't camp, and #9? Oh, ho, you must be joking. But sleep on a train, buy a stranger's meal and seeing a lightning storm at sea? For sure those have been added to my Must Do list.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/ world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisioning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving/ snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served in a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies
62. Gone wale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood/ platelets
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the changing of the guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Been to the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Got To Lighten Up Around Here!,
Carolynn

Bring It

2009-01-04T21:51:00.002-06:00

I changed my license plates this weekend. I will spare you the post about the 2 1/2 hours of my life I spent at the DMV that I'll never get back. The point is, I transferred my plates back to Wisconsin and I put them on all by myself. Now that may sound pretty lame to most of you, but it sure felt good to me!

X stuck me with a surprise debt of $600 this month, but I put my big girl britches on and called up the creditors. With a few phone calls I was able to reduce, extend and work out some payments; a major accomplishment for Turtle ol' me, who used to think not opening the mail would make it go away. Yeah, crawling into my shell never helped, so I'm kicking it to the curb.

I had an interview for a job and was turned down (didn't have the required college degree), but I feel good about it; considering it a practice run for my next interview. Plus, God has a plan!

My children are having less nightmares by the night, Praise The Lord! X gets them for visitation next weekend, so we'll see how that affects them, but for right now, they're all happily sleeping around me as I type this. We're all settling in well; we're so blessed to be here.

Amazing how a new license plate, a couple paid bills and a job interview can make me feel like a capable human being again. In the words of Britney Spears, "I'm a smart person... what the hell was I thinking?" I can't name the day I gave into X, the day I stopped being me and started being who I was told to be, but I can darn well name the day I came back.

I'm not the naive girl I went in as. In fact I'm admittedly more cynical, but not overly. I am earning my degree from the University of Hard Knocks, but I guarantee it will take me far. I'm the first to say I've made mistakes. Big, painful, lasting ones... but I won't make the same ones again.

Bring It,
Carolynn

OOPS

2009-01-02T12:19:00.002-06:00

Sigh. Well, if you're reading this, welcome into my circle. I've had to adjust the permissions so this doesn't get in the wrong hands. Hopefully everything will settle down and I can open my blog back up, but for now...

The last email I got from X said, "...you are a blasphemous pagan who is going to be judged and sentenced to eternity in hell for #1 stating that "God told him to do it" in the OFP that you filed on me. #2 spreading false gossip to other Christians IN the house of God and #3 continuing to be a blasphemer by having an auto-signature that states "Enthusiastically His" when you are anything but that. I feel so sorry for our children."

Well.

I've got to close my circle up for a little while. Please pray the chains will be broken and doors will be opened.

Big Sigh,
Carolynn

525,600 Minutes

2008-12-31T11:31:00.002-06:00

January 1 has always made me a little giddy; like getting clean notebooks on the first day of school. This year though, I'm awed by the possibilities and eager to write something that matters, on the fresh pages of my life. There's 525,600 minutes stretched out before me; I can't wait to get started!

Do you make traditional resolutions? I used to, but I never stuck with them. Losing weight and getting organized are still on my list for 2009, but they're not at the top. They will come as the priorities align. My top 5; I need to:

stabilize my children, and get them healthy.
find a Spirit filled church to plug into and read the Bible cover to cover.
get a job, an apartment and make a budget.
learn to trust again, especially myself.
make my children smile more often and take more pictures.

Of course I'd only be giving you half a list without including things like getting rid of my gray hairs and vowing to find a sense of style that all is mine. I need to find the whole me. Thank goodness there's over half a million minutes; I'm gonna need every single one.

525,600 minutes, moments so dear; how do you measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee, in inches, in miles, in laughter - In Love. 525,600 journeys to plan; it's time now to sing out; the story never ends. You know that love is a gift from up above, share love, give love, spread love...

measure your life in love.

Happy New Year,
Carolynn

Out of Egypt

2008-12-30T21:18:00.001-06:00

I am being taught not to worry. It's different than being told not to worry; it is humbling. Over and over again this week as I have cried out to the Lord, He has reminded me He does not need my help... and then exceeds my expectations.

Christmas night I was on my knees, face on the floor, praying, crying, begging for help. I only had 2 people lined up to help me load the U-Haul and a house full of stuff that wasn't even going to fit into it. A dear friend came out to help me sort through the wedding totes and baby clothes, both of which I'd dreaded doing alone. Bright and early I called U-Haul; not only did they have a bigger truck, it cost less money than my smaller one. A friend from choir came to help me get the truck I had no idea how to drive... unbeknown to me, he drives trucks for a living.

And then, people just kept showing up! Never in all my life have I moved so smoothly. There were people packing, people loading, people cooking, people cleaning. Don't worry, Carolynn, I got this.

My family was delayed a day from coming up to get me because there was too much fog. There was too much fog because of a freak heat wave! It was 40 something degrees while the truck was being loaded. May not sound that warm, but it was a seventy degree difference from the week before. You can not tell me He was not there. He was showing off! Showing off His love and provision for me.

We got the truck down to Wisconsin, unloaded it and I turned around and went back to Minnesota for my children. I was so fearful X wouldn't give them to me without a fight. But he needed them picked up early, so he could move the rest of his things out of our old house. So what if I had a 6 hours drive in the snow? We came HOME today.

Home, to family. To Chex Mix and Cake. To grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. Home to My Father's House, in so many ways. I cannot describe how exhausted I am, but I haven't been this happy in a long, long time.

I've got a to do list a mile long for 2009, but I'm excited about every bit of it. The only thing to wrap up from '08 is signing the decree. We are so close to true freedom. The Lord has brought us out of Egypt and into the promised land. Now the key is not to wander around for the next 40 years.

Who the Son sets free is free indeed. (John 8:36) When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isaiah 43:2)

Nothing Is Impossible For Him,
Carolynn

Can Only Go Up

2008-12-25T01:54:00.000-06:00

This is, by far, the worst Christmas I've ever had. But you know what? I'm ok with that... can only go up from here; if I flip it maybe it's my best Christmas. And I'm still doing better than half the world. It is almost 2 o' clock in the morning and I still can't sleep... time to count my blessings.

I am saved. I know Jesus. He is with me.
I have 3 amazing children who I'm just crazy about.
My family has their arms wide open for me.
I'm going home to Wisconsin in 2 days!
I live in the best country in the world.
I was a part of the best Christmas Eve service of my life.
I have friends, good friends, for the first time in years.
I am being carried through the valley.

Did I cry like a baby after I dropped my children off with X for the next 6 days, this afternoon? For Sure. But getting them back and being together next Christmas will mean so much more.

Did I have Burger King for dinner, alone in my car on Christmas Eve? Yup. But next year when I sit down with my family to a pretty table with a whole smorgasbord I will savor it.

Am I just gutted about leaving my church? You Bet. But when the Lord presents an opportunity for me to come along someone the way Celebration has for me, I will joyfully serve them.

My heart is hurting, breaking, all over again tonight. A dear friend told me that if I give all the pieces to God, He will put it back together. I wear a necklace that says, "If your heart is open it can never stay broken." Right now I'm handing the Lord a broom because I can't see through my tears to find all the pieces.

But. He will use my mess for His message. I will have a testimony from this test. More than all this, I found the real Christmas this year.

Trust me when I say it was not, for one second, about the tree or what was (or wasn't) under it this year. It was not about a bake-a-thon, traveling or photo ops. This Christmas I met my my Savior at His birthplace, a lowly manger... and I have been blessed.

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)

Merry Christmas,
Carolynn

There Will Be Cake

2008-12-18T21:11:00.000-06:00

The kids had their first visitation with X tonight. I simply could not sit home and chew my fingernails off worrying. So I saw Four Christmases. It was funny and I desperately needed to laugh. It was a practice run; he gets them for the whole weekend too.

Deep Breath.

The child support thing is still a mess. Just this morning he agreed to everything that was best for our children and fair, then he talked to his lawyer and called the whole deal off. His attorney gives lawyers a bad name. Who in their right mind would advise a client Not to pay child support? Cold hearted idiot.

Times like these I wonder what's taking God so long to answer me. Then I remember Isaiah 55:8-9, For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. He may answer at the 11th hour, but He will never be late.

Tonight I'm clinging to the hope of Daniel 10:12-13; an angel came to him and said, "...since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom (the enemy) resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes (angels), came to help me, because I was detained there..." Maybe the angels are still fighting their way through to answer my prayers.

I'm going to pack all weekend; it needs to be done and it will keep me busy. Hour by hour, day by day, we're stepping closer to the end. No! To our new beginning. There will be cake my friends, oh yes, there will be cake.

Start The Countdown (13 days)
Carolynn

Festive: The Quick & Confused Version

2008-12-15T22:18:00.000-06:00

Do you know Christmas is in 10 days? Ten days people. And I'm just getting started!! We lost a lot of festive ground last week. You know, I always say if you want to hear God laugh... tell Him your plans. Last weekend I planned to put the tree up and decorate the house with my children. Bake cookies, make snowmen yada yada.

Mmm-hmm.

So this week, I am rushing to be festive. Kinda feels like this...

Up A Pear Tree,
Carolynn

Be Kinder Than Necessary

2008-12-14T03:00:00.000-06:00

My sister's favorite quote has always been, "Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Last Friday night the police were called; X broke into my house and made serious threats. I had to wait out the weekend before I could file for an Order For Protection. We stayed with friends but by Sunday he found us. Monday came and he beat me to the courthouse; filing his own OFP, alleging me as the abuser and gained legal emergency custody of our children. Dear God.

I rushed my children into a Safe House just in time. My lawyer met with the judge who ordered the children were to stay with me in lock down at the shelter. X has 5 guns, 2 tazers, a night stick and is, how do you say... unbalanced.

My Dad and my Sister came up to testify in court on Thursday. Life in a shelter is a whole 'nother story, but suffice it to say going to a restaurant with my family was it. Watching my children eat pancakes and laugh for the first time in days... there's no words.

As we were leaving the waitress smiled and said, "Enjoy the rest of your evening."

Six nights before, the police officer, after taking my report and speaking with my children said, "Enjoy the rest of your evening."

One day later I left court a free woman. After I hugged my lawyer she said... "Enjoy the rest of your evening."

I can't explain how those same words, spoken at different times, by different people in the same week, impacted me. One thing's for sure, each of the players were kinder than necessary.

I'm making a conscious decision to pay it forward and will try hard to remember every stranger I meet is fighting some kind of battle. It may just show them Jesus, the way I was shown this week.

For His merciful kindness is great toward us, and the truth of the Lord endureth forever. (Psalm 117:2)

Blessings,
Carolynn

My Willow

2008-12-13T20:38:00.002-06:00

Ron at Troubled Ramblings wrote this for me last night after my first post. It is so perfect, so true, it must be shared.

My Willow
Years ago and miles away
There was a special tree
At a special place
Where I would find love near
Where I could share
My joys and sorrow

In the shade of the tree of tears
With its willowy branches
It shared its serenity
And I shared my chaos
I cried and laughed
Both, in the comfort it gave

Time has taken me far from that tree
And added miles as well
But still there were joys
And there were sorrows
And I looked another comfort
To fill that void

It has taken some time
To come to this realization
Though I loved that old tree
It wasn't the tree that met me
And the one who shared my life
Is still there, as He has always been

Like the faithful willow
He waits when I was sad
For me to come to Him
He waits when I was happy
For me to come as well
And He shares His strength and courage

Today
Far from the tree
I still have my comfort
I still have my gentle breeze
I still have my sunshine
I still have my safety

And He still wraps His arms around me

...I'll wait while you get a kleenex... I KNOW! So perfect. So true. I am awed that God has connected me to so many powerful prayer warriors, to so many kind, talented and beautiful spirits here in the blogosphere.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever He does prospers. (Psalm 1:3)

Rooted In Him,
Carolynn

Hello My Name Is

2008-12-12T17:05:00.006-06:00

You knew me as Whitney, because my husband mandated fake names. We've journeyed too far together to keep up the facade.

Hello, My Name Is Carolynn.

Thank you for your prayers, your support and your love over the last 6 weeks. You have impacted my life in ways I could never put in words. I know for sure your reward in Heaven is great.

I'm not intending to post again on the other blog; it is watched... and I am Free. My children and I are moving home at the end of the month to Family; to Wisconsin! I am still in humbled shock that God gave me a do over. I intend to earn it.

When I was a little girl, my Grams had a weeping willow tree in her backyard. My "Happy Place" is there, in the shade of the Willow Tree, surrounded by love, refreshed with a breeze that filtered cool air and sunshine inside the safety of it's branches. I'm blessed you've come to sit a spell with me.

Much Love,
Carolynn