My Sock Drawer is a Mess

On a number of levels I used to be a Stepford Wife. We were those perfect, plastic people in church. The house was immaculate, the children were quiet... and I was miserable.

After sharing 1 bedroom with my children for 17 months, our new 3 bedroom apartment is still Disneyland. Most everything has been unpacked, art is on the walls. The kicker is, my sock drawer is a downright mess.

X's stint in the Army taught me how to military roll and press clothing, by nature I am a bit OCD and still fight the urge for perfection. But we live here. This is home. And while Better Homes & Gardens does their best to insinuate the pictures on their glossy pages are real, I know better. Home is a haven. A soft place to land. Not a sterile museum where things, or people, should be looked at but never touched, seen but never heard.

Sure there's a few piles that need to be put back into storage. I still crave organization, but for convenience. Every time I get dressed I am reminded that the little people in my home matter more. Than anything.

I've decided to mess up the sock drawer of my life. New and old friends, music, passions I closed off years ago. I'm not perfect, never really was. Difference is now, I don't want to be.

Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, O Lord Almighty, my King and my God. (Psalm 84:3)

It's a Beautiful Disaster,
Carolynn

He Sings to Me

I honestly never liked the sound of my name... until he sang it.

When I was a little girl I was constantly changing my name. Carolynn was too grown up, too long, too wrong for me. One time at a girl scout event the leader said to my mother, "Oh we just love that Carrie, such a nice girl." and mom was all ...who? "Isn't that your daughter Carrie over there?" Oh that's my daughter all right.

Here's the Music Man playing the song he wrote for me.

Well, when you say it that way, I'll stick with my name.

Its Got A Ring To It,
Carolynn

Happy New Year

When I chose a different background for my blog I was looking for purple, it's my new favorite color. I love this one because it says Happy New Year on the side; it really is for me.

I'm dating a great man. I kept waiting for my family and friends to say, "Whoa, C, think this is a good idea?" But they didn't, they smiled and said being happy looks good on me. I'll refer to him as the Music Man, he's a professional musician, we met (and briefly dated!) in a singing group when we were 15. God bless Facebook, he found me all these years later, last fall.

16 years since has brought us both families, brought us both loss, each of us are full time single parents. There was a time we both swore never again. But we're promised God, "...will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..." (Joel 2:25)

We've been together since January, the name of our game is slow. It was months before we met each others children, months before we introduced the children to each other. They're a loud bunch, but self described BFF's.

He lives in a nearby state; we don't see each other as often as we'd like, but realize our children are the priority. We have a lot in common, we laugh a lot; I am safe with him. He challenges me to remember who I was before, to rethink what I've been told. I am baffled to learn he finds strength in me.

A new song, a familiar embrace... I love this man.

Happy New Year Indeed,
Carolynn

There Has to Be a Better Way

Every morning I make a to-do list. With half of yesterday's list on it. I seem to have better intentions in the morning, than I do energy to check things off at night. Get more sleep you say? Dream on Wonder Bunny.

I stop moving around 11:00 and "unwind" until midnight. Alarm goes off at 5:30, if I'm brave I'll snooze until 6:00. All four of us up, dressed and out the door by 7:00. Work all day, pick up the crew, dinner, play, laundry, dishes, laundry, baths, laundry, books, laundry, bed, laundry, clean up the house, laundry, pay the bills, laundry... sensing a theme?

Here's the thing, I don't want to change anything, and I'm realistic about being a single mother. Crazy as life sounds, it's mine and I love it. There just has to be a better way to get it all done.

Like carrying in groceries. I've been getting bruises from carrying as many bags as I can fit on both arms. But it beat the 10 trips up and down the stairs to the car. So I went to the store and found these clips. Believe me when I tell you I have tested their weight limits. If only the store sold energy! Oh wait they do, but energy shots give me the shakes. So whatcha got? Give me your best tricks and tips, and I'll put your name in the hat to win one of these I'd-Like-To-High-Five-The-Schmo-That-Made-These, clips.

Lay It On Me,
Carolynn

Hand Me The Windex

*Tap tap tap* Is this thing on?

So much has happened since I sat under the Willow Tree last! As I drove today I recalled when God showed me the corn and the wildflowers. Came in to read it and realized how much I've let the place go! So hand me the windex, I'll start by washing the windows.

Life is good. It took a while for me to say that, longer to believe it, but I've never been happier.

I moved my children into our own place, they are thriving. I have remembered who I was before the insanity, I smile a lot.

Good and easy are not the same, but I wouldn't change a thing about the season of growth I'm in. I'm cleaning house inside and out. What matters stays, what gets in the way of the light, goes. So I'm starting with the windows.

...see if I will not throw open the windows of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. (Malachi 3:10)

Shine,
Carolynn

Almost There

We're almost there... May 1st we move out of the village and into our own place. Everything comes out of storage. Can't even remember what went in, haven't seen all our earthly possessions since Christmas of 2008. We've learned to live without them, but don't think we don't want them back!

I'm getting a new laptop in the next 6 weeks, and when that happens, I think I'll break radio silence here at Willow Tree. A lot has changed, somethings never will... and I haven't been ready to write yet. It will come.

I did join the gym and lost 12 lbs and counting. Guess I looked in the mirror a couple months ago and thought Who ARE You?? Last year was for surviving... it wasn't enough. "...I came that they may have life and life more abundantly." (John 10:10)

I can say, for the first time in a very long time, I am happy. I forgot what that feels like. I don't intend to ever again.

Dear IRS - HURRY UP on the Refund,
Carolynn

Four Letter Words

It is snowing.

I'm not pleased.

If you'll notice, snow is a four letter word. Especially in Wisconsin, where just 2 years ago we got eight feet of it. Not to mention all our veteran snow drivers act like they've lived in the tropics all their lives the first time we drive in it each year.

I'm not the only one using four letter words these days. This week when I picked up my 10 year old son from daycare, the conversation went something like this...
Teacher: I heard you said a bad word
Son: No I didn't
Teacher: Friend said you did, please tell me what you said
Son: I said son of b!$@%
Teahcer: You can't say that; that's a bad word
Son: Really? I saw it on Cat In The Hat, I think that's rated G
Now seriously, we watched it together on Thanksgiving. On ABC Family. He heard correctly. My jaw about hit the floor when Mike Myers said it.

There's been a lot of rearranging of visitation lately, which drives the kiddies up the wall. Right behind you. In the snow. I'm cranky. Trying to remember, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." ~Abraham Lincoln

So tomorrow we'll pay a visit to Santa at the mall. Try for the millionth time to get all the laundry done and put away (even for an hour!), pick out a Christmas Tree, and we'll watch a new Veggie Tales movie.

Quote That My Boy,
Carolynn