A Much Needed Tantrum

I haven't posted in a while. I've been so flaming angry, I didn't want to. But I've been reminded by some dear friends that writing helps and its about time I let it out; holding it in will make me shoot off like a roman candle. Thanks for loving me through this.

I want to kick and scream and break some dishes.

I'm supposed to be in Hawaii right now. The trip was bought and paid for last summer. Oh, X is there alright. And he gave my ticket to a family member of his with a similar name. He wouldn't even let me rearrange the ticket, no sir. He's sitting on the beach laughing. I'm supposed to be happily married, sitting in paradise planning the rosy future of our family. (*screaming*) Everything I fought so hard for, everything I covered up, tried to fix, stayed anyway for, was for nothing. Instead I'm alone, scared, severely ticked off, and I'm determined, but desperately struggling to, keep a straight face here in the tundra of Wisconsin.

He's blown off or rearranged his visitations 3 times running. He's in Hawaii for the next 2 weeks and should have the children for the weekend after, but that just doesn't work for him. The kids are going absolutely stir crazy and are pulling me down with them.

I am beyond grateful for my parents generosity, but let me break it down. There eight people living in the house right now. Me and my children are half the population! I can't childproof everything and I can't keep them quiet or dammit even well behaved all of the time. They don't know which end is up! I will be spending my afternoon scrubbing sharpie marker off their (new!) kitchen counter and computer keyboard. I will be buying cabinet locks for the bathroom so I won't catch them playing with hazards and I will continue to look for a job.

I hope X swallows a bug in his umbrella drink tonight at his birthday party.

X transferred in $900 to his checking account before the trip. He just put in another $800. Want to guess how much child support I got this month? $19.00 cash. Oh! And the moron put the wrong alternator in my car this summer, so I just had to replace that to the tune of $350.00 too. Seriously?? Augh!!!!

It would help so much if I had found a good spirit filled church by now, but I haven't. I know that the longer I'm away the more the enemy will attempt to do business. But I also know that when I count my blessings the list is far longer than my troubles. Hebrews 10:36 says You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. Isn't that a kick in the pants to get pulled out of a funk by my children's Veggie Tales wrap up?

Last night we went to Perkins for dinner; it was a world away from the last time. If God can do this much in 30 days, how much more can He do in the next? I know that once the paperwork gets put through the ball will start rolling. I know that when it does it will bring its own set of challenges. I'm just ready to be there. Where I'm sitting today, the destination looks far better than the journey... but His ways are higher than mine. Persevere. I am so grateful my God can handle me crying and pounding on His chest screaming it's not fair!

Still, a good tantrum always makes a gal feel better. Maybe now is the time to take those photos to send in with my application to TLC's What Not To Wear; I look rotten enough to be a sure pick, not to mention I'm ready to burn the clothes I was given at the Shelter. Aaaaaaand there's always day dreaming about shark attacks, volcano eruptions, or the idea X will just stay in Hawaii forever. I got your $19.00 right here buddy.

All Better Now,
Carolynn

Valley Of The Shadow

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures: he leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul, he leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For You are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:1-4)

Late one night when we were in the shelter, I was listening to Christian radio and learned something I will never forget.

Most people know this Psalm; here's what gets overlooked: we all walk through this valley at some point, but it is of the Shadow of death, not death itself! What harm can a shadow do? Are children frightened of shadows when their parents are with them? No! The word tells me He, Almighty God, is beside me in the valley; I have nothing to fear.

It blows my mind. It gives me peace. It brings me to my knees in thanksgiving.

Did you know in Biblical times, shepherds would break the leg of a sheep who continued to wander away? Not in a place that would cripple them, not of malicious intent, but to keep them safe from the wolves that waited for strays. The sheep would then be carried by the shepherd until healed... and never wandered far again.

I believe God broke my leg last year. He didn't do it to harm me; He did it to save me. Did it hurt? Yes! But I have been carried by Him, I yearn to be close to Him, and I have been lifted up and away from those who would harm me. I may limp a little but I am more whole than I've ever been.

Carried,
Carolynn

Super Wal-Mart How I Love Thee

I've found you can divide consumers in two categories, you're loyal to Target or Wal-Mart. Not everyone's a fan of their politics, but as a consumer I adore Wal-Mart.

Are there fancy schmancy displays? Nope. Do they have a Starbucks? No there too. But their prices are unbeatable, the quality is all over the place and at the super stores the customer service is stellar. I'm a single mother of three. Being able to go to one store, with a parking ramp, to buy groceries and everything else under the sun in a one stop shop is terrific.

Don't even get me started on their generic line, Equate. God's gift to budgeters everywhere. Just yesterday I needed some allergy pills; a 10 count box of Claritin was $10.00, a 30 count box of Equate's version (same ingredients!) was $4.00. I haven't found an Equate product I don't like yet.

Where Do You Shop?
Carolynn

Australia

Tell me, bloggy friends, that you've seen the movie Australia. I have. A couple times. Well, no more like a few. Alright still a fib, more like a handful. Fine, alright I confess; 8. That's right I said I've seen it eight times in the theater.

In my defense, I had a gift card and I used it to hide out while X had my children for visitation, then like any good friend I had to take a few friends to share the awesomeness, but yeah... we're talking a wee tiny bit obsessed. Course, nothing new there... anyone that came over from my last blog knows I'm a tad OCD.

So, anyway, Australia is the best movie I've seen in years. Sure it's almost 3 hours long, but tell me the last movie that was worth the admission price, let alone more for your money. For me it was reminiscent of Gone With The Wind (I'm a huge fan) and Pearl Harbor (same here) tossed together with shots you only get from Planet Earth and a fantastic score. What's not to love?

Matinees are $5.00. You know what I'm gonna tell you about concessions because, who loves you baby? Go to the Dollar Store and load up the big purse. Bada bing, you've got a full afternoon of entertainment for less than $10.00.



The endearing bonus is that Somewhere Over The Rainbow, and the love of a mother get weaved into the heart of this story. Need I say more?

Shooting For Nine,
Carolynn

Have You?

My pal Minnesota Mom introduced me to a fun meme today. To play along copy the list and bold the things you've done. I had 1/3 of the list... boy there's a big big world out there for me to go see! Of course not every thing on the list is for me, like yeah, I don't camp, and #9? Oh, ho, you must be joking. But sleep on a train, buy a stranger's meal and seeing a lightning storm at sea? For sure those have been added to my Must Do list.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/ world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisioning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving/ snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served in a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies
62. Gone wale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood/ platelets
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the changing of the guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Been to the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Got To Lighten Up Around Here!,
Carolynn

Bring It

I changed my license plates this weekend. I will spare you the post about the 2 1/2 hours of my life I spent at the DMV that I'll never get back. The point is, I transferred my plates back to Wisconsin and I put them on all by myself. Now that may sound pretty lame to most of you, but it sure felt good to me!

X stuck me with a surprise debt of $600 this month, but I put my big girl britches on and called up the creditors. With a few phone calls I was able to reduce, extend and work out some payments; a major accomplishment for Turtle ol' me, who used to think not opening the mail would make it go away. Yeah, crawling into my shell never helped, so I'm kicking it to the curb.

I had an interview for a job and was turned down (didn't have the required college degree), but I feel good about it; considering it a practice run for my next interview. Plus, God has a plan!

My children are having less nightmares by the night, Praise The Lord! X gets them for visitation next weekend, so we'll see how that affects them, but for right now, they're all happily sleeping around me as I type this. We're all settling in well; we're so blessed to be here.

Amazing how a new license plate, a couple paid bills and a job interview can make me feel like a capable human being again. In the words of Britney Spears, "I'm a smart person... what the hell was I thinking?" I can't name the day I gave into X, the day I stopped being me and started being who I was told to be, but I can darn well name the day I came back.

I'm not the naive girl I went in as. In fact I'm admittedly more cynical, but not overly. I am earning my degree from the University of Hard Knocks, but I guarantee it will take me far. I'm the first to say I've made mistakes. Big, painful, lasting ones... but I won't make the same ones again.

Bring It,
Carolynn

OOPS

Sigh. Well, if you're reading this, welcome into my circle. I've had to adjust the permissions so this doesn't get in the wrong hands. Hopefully everything will settle down and I can open my blog back up, but for now...

The last email I got from X said, "...you are a blasphemous pagan who is going to be judged and sentenced to eternity in hell for #1 stating that "God told him to do it" in the OFP that you filed on me. #2 spreading false gossip to other Christians IN the house of God and #3 continuing to be a blasphemer by having an auto-signature that states "Enthusiastically His" when you are anything but that. I feel so sorry for our children."

Well.

I've got to close my circle up for a little while. Please pray the chains will be broken and doors will be opened.

Big Sigh,
Carolynn