Bestie Trip

Has it seriously been almost a month since I posted? Gracious. ::waving hand:: Miss you! Lest you think I've been crying in my pillow, fear not. I actually put my big girl britches on and got to livin again. Enough is enough. I haven't been able to blog because my laptop is reduced to a fancy solitaire machine. No volume, no internet, and the battery is a joke too. When I can borrow my stepbrother's laptop, and sleep doesn't tip the scale, I'll be here. Santa, if you're listening....

My sister and I took a road trip to see Sam Bradley and Bobby Long play and had more fun than I remembered how to. If they're in your area, GO!

Kat and me (pay no attention to the random guy checkin her out!)Sam and KatMe and BobbyHe plays the most beautiful guitar I've ever seenShe's my Bestie.I learned a lot as we drove. (and drove and drove) This is probably a given, but road trippin with your bestie is a whole different experience than with 3 little ones and a spider. And watching the shows? It was almost a spiritual experience. I've never seen musicians like this; the music poured out of them. I may or may not have had a fan girl moment when we got in the car.

This is not everyday life, but it was a spectacular weekend. It's possible, I'm finding, to embrace both halves of myself. Mom and Me. Because I'm both. I've been starving half for a long time, in an effort to boost the other. Turns out I was crippling both. Last year I survived. This year I intend to thrive.

I was dreading Thanksgiving all week, but I came home on Wednesday night to Chex Mix and all of a sudden there it was, a spark I thought was doused. I've been fighting Christmas, X gets my children again this year (long story), but this morning as I drank peppermint coffee on the front porch, there it was, an ember.

I love it when God gets pushy with me for my own good. If snacks and coffee can bring sparks and embers, He alone will certainly bring the bonfire. I'll bring dreams and the marshmallows.

Cheers,
Carolynn

One Year Later

This week as the anniversary drew near, a battle raged within me. Regret and gratitude. Today, by the power of Christ in me, I can say gratitude won. But in the heat of it, I was choking. Choking on the ghosts of who we were, where we came from.

One year ago I wrote, "He Said It With a Note"
He left today. Left me and our children. He said it with a note. We've been in on again off again counseling for years. But I didn't see this coming. Not so much that it's over; the end was near. But that he deceived us. That he snuck out of this family during the second church service. Came home, packed his clothes, left a note on the table and the song Forgiveness repeating on the kitchen stereo, and has refused to answer my calls. He said, "I'll see you later" to me at church and left a vague outline for visitation in his letter. He didn't even say goodbye to our children. In the first hour I would have crawled on broken glass soaked in lemon juice, done anything. But the longer he won't answer my calls, the more I read his Dear Jane letter, the longer I contemplate how I alone have to explain this to our three children... Please pray for them. Us grownups, we'll be fine. The children will too, but they'll never be the same. My heart is more broken for that than all the love lost. I have no words.

Last night, as I got my children ready for trick or treating alone, I remembered every minute of being a family at the same time a year ago. As I fought the panic rising in my throat, I put one foot in front of the other. Just as I have for 364 days. The house filled with people. With laughter; with love. Yes, I cracked when the children weren't watching. But yes, yes, yes He was with me.

Max Lucado wrote something to the effect of, when sheep come before their shepherd to be anointed with oil, they do not understand the oil soothes, or repels the flies. They simply know something amazing happens in the presence of the Master... and so it is with us. Amen.

This morning we went to church. We came home. And I did not, as my sister assured me, turn into a pumpkin. I raise my hands in praise to the One who knows. And He holds me close to the Father's heart with His. I still limp, but I'm not angry. Today I choose forgiveness again.

The Lord giveth and taketh away... Blessed be the Name of the Lord,
Carolynn

Disgraceful

A local 20 year old woman heard this at her interview last week, "Oh no, we don't hire your kind. You should apply at Goodwill, they hire people like you." She has autism. If you can believe one worse, this happened at Savers. They are the for profit branch of Easter Seals.

For SHAME.

One of my family members works with a support agency that helps families with children who have developmental disabilities find resources in the community. Her coworker heard the interviewer say it. I wonder if she fell of her chair.

I don't know if her family intends to sue, but, I'm sorry, did that recently become legal? Or almost not wrong? I'll never spend a dollar there again. I like a good deal as much as the next gal, but not when it costs that much.

Seems to me, it wasn't the one with autism, that had the disability.

Baffled,
Carolynn

Sing

I love the musical numbers from Glee.

I used to sing. It was my first identity, my favorite escape. I had an amazing opportunity that I passed up after High School. That train left the station more than a decade ago; I was blessed with my oldest son when I was 19. I don't regret my choice, just that I stopped, let the dream fade out. It is true that you lose what you don't use.

I sing for Jesus. I sing for my babies. In the car. In the shower. In my head... and I tell myself it's enough. Because it has to be. Still, I go there in my dreams, to a dark stage, the cramped green room, the dizzying heights of the catwalks and the sound of the fly system. Downstage to dangle my legs over the edge and stare up at the sound booth, waiting for one light, one mic. To dig down into my soul and pull out the song that makes me... me.

If only I wasn't petrified of being heard. Can you believe it? Horrific stage fright. I've always been back row blessed in choir, and tend to belt the whole time.

Glee stirs up old memories that I can't run from and honestly don't want to. I loved dancing in character shoes until I couldn't stand up. "Run it again!" my director shouted as he banged the drumsticks together. Gladly. Opening night jitters, closing night tears. The memories compete for attention to the point that I can't separate them, but I'm left with the feeling. The need.

To let out what God put in.

The Word says to, "Write the vision..." (Habakkuk 2:2) I'm auditioning for the Praise and Worship team at our new church on Saturday. Church is the one place I let go, because it's not about me, or the faces, it's for His Glory. I miss my choir in Minnesota so much it hurts, but I believe God has a ministry here for me. It's time to stop wasting time.

Psalm 96:1,
Carolynn

The Candy Fairy

Do you have a plan for your children's Halloween candy? My Works For Me Wednesday tip is the Candy Fairy.

After working so hard for their big haul, I let my kiddies have fun with their candy when they come in from the cold. (It's Wisconsin people. Where we purposefully plan costumes that will fit over snowsuits, just in case.) After they've had their (reasonable) fill, they pick out 10 favorites to keep. These are doled out over the next week. The rest goes back into their loot bags which get looped onto their doorknobs at bedtime.

When they wake up, the Candy Fairy has come, and much like the Tooth Fairy exchanges teeth for money, the candy has been exchanged for a toy. Does it need to be said that Childhood Obesity is an epidemic in our country? Do we really want need candy sitting around tempting everyone all the way to Christmas? NoThankYouVeryMuch. My children like to Trick or Treat. They like the candy. They love the toy.

But it does beg the question, what does the Candy Fairy do with her haul? Well. She has her own fun picking and choosing and donates the rest to the food pantry. Think about it. Food pantries all over the country are gearing up for Thanksgiving Dinner donations. What a blessing to treat other children, to more than just the basics.

The Chubbiest of Fairies,
Carolynn

Redeeming Time

I walked outside just now to feel the cool night air against my skin, to remember the world is big. I remembered something else, a glimpse of long ago. I wonder how long it will be before I forget the details of the life I used to have.

How much longer until I forget what tucking our children in together sounded like?

Until I forget what it felt like to have my hair brushed?

What it felt like to know I was not alone?

The season has changed here in Wisconsin. The air is crisp, the leaves are falling... and I am hurtling forward, faster than ever, to the 1 year mark. Have I come far enough?

How much longer until I forget what song was playing when I read the note X left on the kitchen table that Sunday?

Until I forget the panic that seized every fiber of my being, knowing I alone was left to explain his leaving to my children?

The feeling of suffocation those first days, weeks, that I could not breathe, because I didn't know how to be enough, be me, on my own.

There are moments, snapshots, that I concentrate on tucking away. And there are volumes I pray to burn. But each piece of the complex puzzle of my life, was laid out long before me. So on the advice of a dear friend, I am praying to redeem the date of November 1st.

Very soon after X left, my sister arrived in Minnesota to help. I will never forget the day she bought my children winter hats, boots and diapers. I was clinging to the cart to hold myself up, watching my 3 children meltdown in Target, looked at her with terror in my eyes and said, "I can't do this." And her resounding answer, "yes Carolynn, you can, you have to." She was right.

From this year I pray to remember, always, the safety in honesty.

To remember my family may not look like it did, but we are whole, and gaining ground.

What it feels like to pull my shoulders back and walk with my head up, not looking at my feet.

Most importantly, I will remember that my utter dependence on the Lord, is a daily walk. Sometimes minute by minute, but the time is always redeemed.

This week has brought blessings in such abundance, I cannot hold them. Why am I surprised? Malachi 3:10 ...see if I will not throw open the floodgates of Heaven and pour out so much blessing you will not have room for it. I had the best talk with my parents, received a box from a sister in Christ that took me to my knees... and went shopping for my children's winter gear again, this time with their grandparents. I could not only breathe, I laughed; we all did. Thank you, I praise the Lord for each of you.

Indeed, God has a sense of humor. We were approaching the dead of winter when this started. We survived it. It's coming again, I can feel it in the air, but I know we've already climbed this mountain. Having worn a path in it once, I'm confident we can do it again. What if it had been summer? The rug would be ready to be ripped from under my feet, undermining half the confidence I've built. No my friends, I already know what it takes to get 3 children up, dressed, fed and out the door before 7:00 a.m. I remember how to do it dressing 3 little bodies for the frozen tundra. I daily praise Jesus for the village that helps us. But I do not fear the task.

So yes, yes we have come far enough. The road is hard, but it's not much farther. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

Blessed,
Carolynn

The Code Word Is Charlotte

Every other weekend X and I meet halfway for his visitation. It's 5 hours of driving on those Fridays and another on Sundays. Whew! The last hour home is fierce; my kiddies have had it.

Today I employed a ruse and brought my parents' dog Cosmo with. Let me be the first to pass out high fives because he totally did the trick. For the first time no one was whining lemme out of this car!

On a semi related topic (hang in here with me), tonight I saw an update from my Australian pal's blog called Pigs Dust & Spiders. I warily opened her page because I'm very arachnophobic... (coast was clear, it was really cute) but it made me think of what I wrote last fall.

Here is an edited version of The Code Word is Charlotte...
On our last 5 hour road trip I had to make an important call. I find that I emit a pheromone when I'm on the phone, especially so in a moving car, that prompts my children to howl like wolves and hyenas. They're so charming sometimes.

I'm talking and every few seconds I get a, "mom, Mom, MOM!" to which I reply, "could you just hold on one second, don't you see I'm on the phone with your father?" This went on and as usual, ended when my call did. "What?! what was so important?" and then my son said it, "I saw a spider in the car."

AAAAAUGH!!!

Stay calm, do NOT panic. (I'm so panicking) Ok. Deep breaths.
Where is it?
I don't know anymore.
Really??
Well I saw it walking around on the ceiling but it's not there now.
Where did it go? Better yet, why didn't you tell me??
I tried but you said to wait cause you were on the phone.
Uh-oh, this is totally my fault.
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. I'm sorry for shushing you sugar pie. Now, tell me exactly, where did it go?
Well it crawled around on the ceiling but I lost it when it got to your door.
Now is a good time to panic!

I have jumped off a 2 story balcony and undergone professional treatment for arachnopobia (which by the way made it worse); it's fierce. So I start praying and sent my son hunting with his shoe. He couldn't find it. Praise Jesus it never found me.

However. Should the situation arise in the future, the code word is Charlotte. If you ever, see anything, with more than 4 legs, Kill it and yell Charlotte! Friends, I drove like I had Terets. I twitched, brushed and randomly hollered for the rest of the drive.

Talk about learning to listen to my children. Luke 7:35 says Wisdom is proved right by her children. ...and never in all my life have I been so grateful to get out of the car.

On second thought, maybe next time I should bring the cat.

On the Road Again,
Carolynn