Thursday, July 30, 2009

Temple Business

I started the P90X regimen two days ago. The only thing that doesn't hurt are my fingers as I type... but I'm happy. The last time I was athletic was... um... Show Choir. Yeah. And 12 years and 3 babies later, it shows. I got rid of all my size 2's after my first son. I got rid of all my 6's after my second. After my daughter I resigned myself to a size 12. Really? It's not about the number, it's not. More about the fact that I gave up on myself.

Let's face it, I am a mother of 3 and I do like to eat. But it's time to be about Temple Business. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Do I actually expect to get ripped in 90 days? Nah. But I do expect to have more energy and confidence. Most of all, I want to set a good example for my children, about our bodies and God's word. I for sure want to drop the ability to do the truffle shuffle.

Lest you think I'm walking into deprivation, I'll have you know my reward for the 60 minute workout last night was 3 spoonfuls of Starbucks caramel macchiato ice cream. And I don't feel even almost bad about it; it wasn't the whole pint. The Word says temperate (moderate) in all things.

So I'm all in for the next 88 days. Even if it means that I no longer walk down my stairs... it's more like a controlled fall.

5,4 - 3,2...,

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Kingdom is One Bigger

I had the privilege of praying the salvation prayer with my Stepfather, Jim, last week in Florida.

To know how far we've come, I have to take you back.

There is an enemy and he is real. The Bible says, "Be alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion seeking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8) I didn't know the Lord until my twenties; when I was a little girl I had Jim confused with the enemy... because Satan had such a grip on our home.

At the time, Jim was an alcoholic, and my mother suffered from chronic migraines. Her doctors tired of treating her and to silence the problem, put her on huge amounts of narcotics on a daily basis. We lived in a beautiful country home on a lake.
Lakes still scare me.

Underneath the facade, we each fought our own demons there. It's too bad that at the time we didn't know we were all fighting the same one. I remember praying, begging, a God I didn't know, at a very early age.

I ran from the Gospel when I heard it because I couldn't love a God who let it happen, who looked away. The Footprints Poem is very dear to me now. The word says, "All things work together for good..." (Romans 8:28), but I couldn't fathom how God could justify, what was.

It has taken a lifetime to learn He didn't justify... He has redeemed.

Jim called me late one night about 10 years ago (after I had received Christ) and apologized, for everything. I forgave him on the spot. I knew that who he was, was not who he is.
None of us are.

He's been very sick lately. He has been at death's door again and again, which has mercilessly tormented my mother. He is not a monster. And I'm not a scared little girl.

So when I was there last week, one morning we sat around the table listening to the rain, and I said, "if you died tomorrow, are you sure you would meet Jesus in Heaven?" and he said no. It was a no that tore through me like lightning.

My pastor says we're not supposed to change the Word, it is supposed to change us. So it has.

We prayed together, hand in hand, and the Kingdom is one bigger. I left a Bible... just tonight on the phone we challenged each other to a race to see who will get through ours faster. He guaranteed me I would lose. My pleasure Jim, my pleasure.

Isaiah 55:10-11 says As the rain and the snow come down from Heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my Word that goes out from my mouth. It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Amen and Amen,

Monday, July 27, 2009

Praying for Stellan

I have no words, please pray for Stellan.

Prayers for Stellan

The latest on his Mama's blog, My Charming Kids, said, "his heart is giving way."

Heavenly Father, hold this family close to your heart. You are the Great Physician, heal him to Your glory. Give his doctors wisdom and his family peace that surpasses all understanding, in Jesus' name, Amen.

MckMama updated, Stellan will be airlifted to Boston for surgery, it's possible he will need and can survive on a pacemaker.
Glory to God, keep praying.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Safe and Sound

My children are home! Everyone has been cleaned up, checked out and settled in. There is a whole lot of complaining I could do about the last 2 weeks, but it's entirely overrated. In the end, everyone is safe and sound and that's really all that matters.

I have a third interview on Monday, I'm very optimistic it will pan out and I'm praying very hard for an even better opportunity my hats in the ring for. Time will tell which door God opens. I got a survey from Habitat for Humanity, so I'm not counting that door closed yet!

It's cold and rainy here tonight. Can't wait for dinner - bring on the comfort food! - and then it's jammies and movie night with my kiddies. We're going to do a coin toss for Little Joe (Veggie Tales) or High School Musical 3. Either way, there will be much singing, laughing and popcorn.

These are the Finer things in Life,

Monday, July 20, 2009

I'm Back

Hey gang, it's Carolynn. Thank you for your prayers (again!) for my son.

I am typing this from the clouds over the Gulf of Mexico. When I flew out of Madison on Friday I had the privilege to see the sun rise over the clouds, from above the clouds. Rarely have I ever witnessed anything so beautiful. What I thought was a tough act to follow floored me when I saw the sun set from above the clouds tonight.

Tell me again why time speeds up on vacation? My mom and I had such fun. We laughed, we cried, we shopped, ate too much and *poof* there it went. More on that later. :)

Everybody wave and say, "hi X." Apparently he reads Willow Tree. No surprise, but I refuse to run again. He was not invited here and I've never said anything I wouldn't say to his face. Moving on!

I don't have all the details yet but it looks like I will be getting my children home very soon. Praise the Lord and pass the chaos. Which means, I better go unpack real quick like.


Saturday, July 18, 2009


Hello everyone. I am Carolynn's sister, Kat. While she is away in sunny Florida she has asked me to guest post for her. While I'm excited to guest post for all you lovely folks, I wish that I had better news to share.

She got a call this evening from X stating that her 5 year old son was in the ER waiting to get stitches in his forehead. Apparently, while out to dinner with X and his folks, he fell off his chair smacking his head on the floor and splitting it open. So, combined with losing his front teeth, he now has stitches in his forehead. Poor little guy. It sure is rough being 5.

Needless to say, Carolynn is upset. Not good news to get while she is trying to enjoy the first real vacation she's had in over 10 years. Please say a prayer for the little man that he'll heal quickly and make it through the rest of his visit with X with no further injuries.

Warmest Regards,

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Leavin' On A Jet Plane

"All my bags are packed and ready to go..." At O' Dark-Thirty I'm boarding a plane and getting out of Dodge.

I'm going to visit my mother in Florida. We are going to hug and laugh and cry. Eat too much fast food, hit every flea market in the immediate area and go to the beach. Get this y'all... I'm going on VACATION.

I know, blows my mind too. I feel like I'm 8 all over again and going to Disney World. But this time I'll buy the post cards.

Still, I'm not entirely convinced it's more fun to be the grown up. This time I will grieve my Papa, who met Jesus when I was too pregnant with my daughter to travel for his funeral. I will sleep in the same room X and I shared the last time I went, 5 years ago. The only thing constant is change.

But in the end, I will still fall into my mother's arms and for a minute, I will know that she can still make it better. All of it. All of this messed up crazy life that God trusts me entirely too much with.

'Cause that's what Moms do.

So I'm leavin' on a jet plane. But um, yeah... I'll be back Monday. :)

Smile for Me,

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Stupid Girl

I called my ex-husband and asked for forgiveness today.
I did not call X.

Sorry, I'll give that a minute to sink in. I don't talk about him, ever. He's my oldest son's biological father. We got married when I was 19 and pregnant. How 'bout that for before I knew the Lord? Young, dumb and wildly in love turned into young, dumb and scared out of our minds. It couldn't have ended well. It should have ended better.

It ended with broken hearts and messed up minds. We both ran, fast and hard, in opposite directions. Him away, me to X. I'm sure now, 11 years later, there were 2 sides. Then I only saw my own. I saw a man that didn't want me, our son, or the one he made before me. I saw indifference. The night he told me if I died he would put our son up for adoption I stopped loving him. There's no fixing what you don't care about. He terminated his parental rights so X could adopt my son.

So that's where it ended. Right? I was listening to a message on forgiveness last night. Played it over and over again, stayed up til 1:00. And then it hit me. Not only had I chosen to blatantly and brashly not forgive him all these years. I never asked him to forgive me.

What kind of a messed up stupid girl do you think I was? 19 years old, playing house, and looking for salvation in the wrong place. Do you think he stood a chance? I was running from a messed up childhood, ignorant "adulthood" and expecting "dreams really do come true." He was indifferent. I was selfish. Mix those up... Kaboom.

I don't regret the split. I regret the years of anger since. I don't regret X either. Because I will never regret my children. X likes to remind me I am the common denominator in 2 failed marriages. I suppose that's true. Uncensored, with eyes wide open though, I can do something about it. If I don't learn from that stupid girl, neither will my daughter. If I don't teach my sons... neither will yours.

Do you know what he said to me? "I've had a long time to think, I'm sorry too. And all that aside, you're a sister in Christ." Do you know what we managed to do apart that we've never done together? Put a black eye on the devil today, yes sir we did.

Chin Up,

Friday, July 10, 2009

Are You Kidding Me?!?!?!

X just called - my 5 year old son no longer has his 2 front teeth. Apparently when X wasn't watching them - AGAIN - my son tripped over my 10 year old and knocked out his teeth on a gravel driveway. They were loose, remember, because the last visit X wasn't watching them, the one before my daughter came home from X's with a yeast infection(!*&%$#@), my 5 year old bent his front teeth back when he hit the dresser. (They were healing up great.)

Please pray for Healing. Pray for Peace. For both of my sons, as my oldest thinks it's his fault. No baby, it's not.

Not sure if I have dental coverage since I'm in between jobs. They were baby teeth, Praise God... his adult teeth should come in in 2-3 years. Awesome. X was quick to remind me it could've happened on my watch. But it didn't. It never does.

I want them home RIGHT NOW. And I can't afford them to because I need a new job first. God, do you see this?


Thursday, July 9, 2009

I Quit.

I resigned today.

I have been struggling with my job for months. Serious issues I've talked to HR about. Daily defeat. Coupled with the mind numbing news I got this week, the place has become Toxic to me.

Did I fight so hard out of one abusive relationship for another? Husband, Boss, Whatever. No matter that it has a Christian name. No matter that there are good people there, doing great work for the Kingdom. The small corner of that universe that I occupied was awful. In the end it doesn't matter who it is saying you're not good enough. I am.

So I'm released and it feels wonderful. I was blessed to form some amazing friendships, which will carry through. I have a unique opportunity to job search wile my children are with X. And I feel really good. I am choosing, deliberately choosing better, for myself. It's nice to know the more I do it, the easier it gets.

Peace Out,

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


Rest In Peace.