Emptied Out

Eighteen months ago I called my mother asking, "how will I know when I'm done having babies?" She answered, "when you look around the room... and nobody is missing from your family." Tonight my heart is raw, but nevertheless I am done. My surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9:30.

There's no right response, but here's a few of the wrong ones I've gotten.
Well sure, of course you are. No, I wasn't.
Oh? Good for you! (and moves on like the weather is more important) Really? Nothing about this feels good. Right, maybe, but not good.
Or worst of all if my face gives me away, I get the look back of but you're already a single mom of three. Yeah. I am.
Of course I have gotten the why rush it? You're only 30 and you're still a pretty girl. Oh! Well in that case. Ugh.

You know what? Even if Prince Charming himself showed up, I will never allow myself to get that close again. And over my dead body will I fight my children out twice. Not to mention, what if I let Prince Charming in and he gets hit by a bus? I know I can handle raising my 3 children on my own. I also know my limit is 3.

But. 18 months ago when I called my mother seeking answers did I see myself going in for surgery alone tomorrow? Shipping my babies off to X for a 4 day weekend so I could lay in bed and cry from pain and broken dreams? Hell no. In a rare turn of events, he hugged me tonight and told me he was praying for me. I can't tell you what that cost me. I wanted to shove him away and tell him I don't need you, like he doesn't need me because his new girlfriend fills the spot. But DAMN it, I did.

Carolynn

Remember

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate... we can not consecrate... we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government : of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

~Abraham Lincloln
Gettysburg, 1863

Remember Memorial Day

Believin'

I've decided to go back to school. I want to say I'm going to try to go back, but after all, "Hope Is Not A Plan." So here in print there is some accountability.

When I was mulling it over I I told a friend at work, "Who do I think I am, raising 3 children on my own, working full time, part time, and thinking I can go back to school?" And this wise woman answered "Somebody, that's who!" You're darn right.

Part time classes on my laptop after the kids are in bed will be a huge confidence boost, and step by step, they'll build my resume into something worthy. It is a statistical fact that 52% of the single mothers in our country live below the poverty line for the rest of their lives. Well. Not this one! Is that what I want to show my children? That we fought for less?

I know you guys are a wealth of information, so lay it on me. Tell me every tip, trick and scholarship you know of!

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (Mark 11:24)

Believin' For More,
Carolynn

Heaven Sent

My sons and I started a Divorce Care group at a new church last night. It's fabulous. The children's group discusses the same topics as the adult group, at their level. It's a safe place for them to work through this and make friends with kids in the same boat. And whoamygosh, I get to decompress too. I've been too busy to work through too much of the divorce. I'm never getting married again, but I sure don't want to keep making the same mistakes. I want to learn, so I can really heal.

We drove home in a thunderstorm though, which really bothered my youngest. I've said it before, but my oldest is a Genius because he said, "hey, let's pretend the lightning is God's camera!" So for the 20 minute drive home we yelled, "CHEESE!" at the top of our lungs when it lightninged. (is that a word?)

It brought unspeakable joy.

It's been raining a lot in our lives lately. What a relief to laugh in it! Rain makes all things new. Jesus bring the rain. Tell me you're not twitterpaited with the smell after rain. We've got a rainbow coming, I can just feel it.

Cheese!
Carolynn

Hup Hup Hupt Hap-py Birfday!

Did you get the Cinderella reference? I do love me some Gus Gus. Disney movie lines like that people. It's a gift.

Today is my Golden Birthday, I'm 30! I've been waiting for this birthday all my life. True of every birthday I suppose, but this one I've planned since I figured out what a Golden Birthday was.

It's different than I thought it would be, but better. There's no outrageous black tie gold event, (ever mention I'm a fan of old 40's movies?) but I've figured out who I want to be and I'm working hard to get there. I say if it only took me to 30, maybe I'm not entirely late to the party afterall.

My family surprised me with a grown up dinner at a fancy restaurant last Saturday. And I don't mean it was fancy just because there was no drive through. I'm talking Fancy Schmancy! It was the first birthday party I've had in 7 years. It was one of those nights you want to go on and on and keep with you, locked up tight in your heart. They gave me a pair of gold earrings and a gold ring, with an open heart. Do you remember what my necklace says? "If your heart is open it can never stay broken."

Here's to ruining my diet with full force and to the next 30.

Say it With Me C-A-K-E,
Carolynn

Up For Air

So I got paid yesterday and couldn't for the life of me figure out where all the money went. The ironic humor that it was April 15th was not lost on me.

I paid the bills I could and tried to be grateful for what was left, even though it was not enough. I was too tired to fight it out in my head or with a calculator. I went to bed praying His grace would indeed be sufficient.

What to my wondering eyes should appear today but my check stub (I have direct deposit) and on it is the missing piece - $145 was put, BY ME, into my flex plan for day care. With a V8 smack to my forehead I am grateful to still be hanging onto the edge, as opposed to being thrown over it.

God is good. And flex plans aren't for dummies.

Blessings,
Carolynn

PS, I miss you, all of you out here in the blogosphere. I will try to come up for air more often. Weeks like this makes me feel like I'm held below the water, but dang I'm grateful His mercies are new every morning, Amen? Love, C~

In My Spare Time

Think it's too late to learn how to do this?

No, Seriously.

Carolynn