Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Emptied Out

Eighteen months ago I called my mother asking, "how will I know when I'm done having babies?" She answered, "when you look around the room... and nobody is missing from your family." Tonight my heart is raw, but nevertheless I am done. My surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9:30.

There's no right response, but here's a few of the wrong ones I've gotten.
Well sure, of course you are. No, I wasn't.
Oh? Good for you! (and moves on like the weather is more important) Really? Nothing about this feels good. Right, maybe, but not good.
Or worst of all if my face gives me away, I get the look back of but you're already a single mom of three. Yeah. I am.
Of course I have gotten the why rush it? You're only 30 and you're still a pretty girl. Oh! Well in that case. Ugh.

You know what? Even if Prince Charming himself showed up, I will never allow myself to get that close again. And over my dead body will I fight my children out twice. Not to mention, what if I let Prince Charming in and he gets hit by a bus? I know I can handle raising my 3 children on my own. I also know my limit is 3.

But. 18 months ago when I called my mother seeking answers did I see myself going in for surgery alone tomorrow? Shipping my babies off to X for a 4 day weekend so I could lay in bed and cry from pain and broken dreams? Hell no. In a rare turn of events, he hugged me tonight and told me he was praying for me. I can't tell you what that cost me. I wanted to shove him away and tell him I don't need you, like he doesn't need me because his new girlfriend fills the spot. But DAMN it, I did.



imbeingheldhostage said...

Oh sweetie, I wish I had read this post sooner, I'd be shouting "NO!"
Not for the decision (because only you can make that)but because you are obviously very NOT ready for this step. I hope you had very good doctors that talked with you extensively. It's still so early after everything and one day you will heal and you just might let the REAL Prince charming (not one who pretends to be but ends up just being a wart) close. You will love again C, you deserve it and your heart has room for it.
*hugs* and LOADS of prayers,

Erin K. said...

Praying for you, and sending a bloggy hug your way...

Forgotten Katalyst said...

Oh babe, you are far braver than you give yourself credit it for. Our lives are never what we planned. I love you.

Debbie said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are going through this. But I agree with your other commenter. You have proven over and over that you are such a strong women.

Michelle M. said...

I honestly don't know what to say. I just pray that you will have peace about this and that you will heal quickly. Sending many prayers your way.

The Berni Family said...

Keep your chin up Carolynn. I was actually thinking about you last night. I soooo enjoyed our visit the other day...even though you were in town for a very much less than happy event. Emma is still talking about you and asking when you are going to come visit again.
You are SOOOOO much stronger than I think you give yourself credit for...I am amazed everyday at your strength and your perserverance...your kids have no idea what an INCREDIBLE mom they have!!! They will look back one day with pride at all you have done for them and count themselves truly blessed. I know I count myself blessed to have such an amazing friend like you! My thoughts and prayers are with you and I will give you a call this weekend to check on you.

Sara@i.Sass said...

We've talked a few times, I wish we could talk more. I had no idea this was even on your mind. I agree with the first gal, wished I'd known sooner, I don't think you were ready either. Sorry, also to here the X has had NO problem moving on and acting like the bottom of LIFE didn't just fall out. Look, I totally get the hugging thing, he's the LAST person you need that from and yet he's the one whose hugs used to mean something. You had a history,now there's broken dreams, wanting things to be have been different. Like if he would have woken up from his assholeness and discovered hell yeah my wife is awesome and I better step up and CHANGE for that woman. HE THROUGH IT AWAY. HIM. He's an idiot. His *new* friend, well if she's buying what he's selling she's an idiot too. YOU however are NO dummy, as said before me you are one STRONG, FIERCE lady.
C~ no matter what choices you make, Our Father is holding your hand. And you've got us praying over you.
Love you.:)

Dawn said...

I am so sorry I didn't read your post sooner. By now, you're in recovery and dealing with the aftermath. You ARE a strong woman and have already proven what you can handle - this will be no different. I am praying for you and asking our Father to send family and friends to do for you and who have just the right words.

Blessings and comfort!

Growin' with it! said...

every step of transformation you have come thru and shared on here has amazed me at your strength and honesty and fight to be y.o.u.

i'm reading this late and you've had your as you lay there in bed and check your blog...please know how PROUD i am of you carolynn. i may not "know" you or even know what your voice sounds like. but i can read your heart here and i know you are taking each of these HUGE steps by yourself and it is lonely. but you are taking them.

i read a blog earlier about how hard it is to see our kids struggle and go thru hurt. but how God allows us to ourselves so that He can continue to grow us for the next season in how He plans to use us.

He uses you in MIGHTY ways each time you write from your heart and encourage simple girls like me to just be raw and open and honest. cuz life's too short not too.

okay, and so now that i've written a book on your comment page...just know i'm thinking about you and praying for you today. HUGS!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

You know what, dear? The only thing that you can do is take care of yourself and the family you do have right now the very best that you can. God will close and open doors for you along the way and with an open heart, you'll find pathways to greater happiness, whether they include more people than your current family or not.

Rach@In His Hands said...

Thinking of you and praying, friend...

SuperAunt said...

Oh my..... I know that we spoke Thursday night, I know that you are hurt, confused, tired, and once again, you feel like the light at the end of the tunnel might be the train again. But.... divorce, like a death, has a healing process, and their are days that it feels like you go backwards more than forwards, but I know that you are strong. Set everything aside, rest, heal, and then pick up your basket when you can. It will wait for you, remember even God took a day off. Keep your heart open so it may heal and remember to be kind to yourself once in a while. The kids will understand and be accepting, and those that aren't well to quote a wise woman we both knew and loved "God Bless Them". Love you much...... SLC Patti

jubilee said...

I am so sorry that you are going through so much heartache and pain. And the wounds seem to re-open time and time again. I am praying for you and thinking of you. Knowing that God will heal your heart and your spirit.

I wonder if X gave you a hug to make himself feel better. Like if you responded in the slightest way, then he could feel better for how things have turned out - not feel guilty, etc.

I know this doesn't compare to your situation, but as an example of the above, I had a professor who said that he was giving me a part the upcoming play. Then he turned around and gave the part to someone else. And claimed it was under the duress/advice of other professors (cop-out). Later that evening we had our first practice (I was asst. director - the booby prize). He and I showed up at the same time and he said, "Come here. Let me give you a hug." My response, "Why? So YOU can feel better about screwing me out of the part you promised me?!" It shut his mouth right then and there because he knew it was the truth.

Perhaps X thought his motives were pure, but he has no right in any shape or form to take such liberties. IMHO.

Heather of the EO said...

Prayers for peace to you, friend. I'm so sorry. It IS hard.

This post hit me in the gut because it's so true, some things are the right thing to do and they're still so so so hard.

Kieliszeks said...

sorry I haven't been keeping up much with the blog but from all the posts I have been catching up on it sounds like its got its up and downs like we all do. I also have decided 3 is my quota and will have my surgery done the same day of my c-section. There are times I wonder if its right but I have to stop second guessing myself and know that is the right decision for me. My new favorite life song is by Jeremy Camp - there will be a day or whatever its called. I just love it and can't listen to it enough even on those really tough days. I'll keep you in our prayers b/c you can never have enough of those.