Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Stupid Girl

I called my ex-husband and asked for forgiveness today.
I did not call X.

Sorry, I'll give that a minute to sink in. I don't talk about him, ever. He's my oldest son's biological father. We got married when I was 19 and pregnant. How 'bout that for before I knew the Lord? Young, dumb and wildly in love turned into young, dumb and scared out of our minds. It couldn't have ended well. It should have ended better.

It ended with broken hearts and messed up minds. We both ran, fast and hard, in opposite directions. Him away, me to X. I'm sure now, 11 years later, there were 2 sides. Then I only saw my own. I saw a man that didn't want me, our son, or the one he made before me. I saw indifference. The night he told me if I died he would put our son up for adoption I stopped loving him. There's no fixing what you don't care about. He terminated his parental rights so X could adopt my son.

So that's where it ended. Right? I was listening to a message on forgiveness last night. Played it over and over again, stayed up til 1:00. And then it hit me. Not only had I chosen to blatantly and brashly not forgive him all these years. I never asked him to forgive me.

What kind of a messed up stupid girl do you think I was? 19 years old, playing house, and looking for salvation in the wrong place. Do you think he stood a chance? I was running from a messed up childhood, ignorant "adulthood" and expecting "dreams really do come true." He was indifferent. I was selfish. Mix those up... Kaboom.

I don't regret the split. I regret the years of anger since. I don't regret X either. Because I will never regret my children. X likes to remind me I am the common denominator in 2 failed marriages. I suppose that's true. Uncensored, with eyes wide open though, I can do something about it. If I don't learn from that stupid girl, neither will my daughter. If I don't teach my sons... neither will yours.

Do you know what he said to me? "I've had a long time to think, I'm sorry too. And all that aside, you're a sister in Christ." Do you know what we managed to do apart that we've never done together? Put a black eye on the devil today, yes sir we did.

Chin Up,


Sara@i.Sass said...

I have been trying for YEARS to reach out to my first love, who to this day believes I cheated on him, which I of course let him at the time, he wanted space. I played stupid games. Above all he was my very best friend and kept me out of trouble and danger. I wish I still had that friendship. Can't express enough how proud I am of you for putting yourself out there and how wonderful it is that he found the Lord too! Good on ya sister!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Forgiveness is wonderful gift--for the other person and yourself. Good job :)

jubilee said...

Wow. What an incredible story. Isn't it amazing what a little (or a lot, as the case maybe) forgiveness can do!

A one-two punch, for sure!

forever folding laundry said...

Your honesty & candor never cease to amaze me. Good for you - you're amazing!

(And, BTW, you won my giveaway! Woo hoo! What do you want??) :)


Kieliszeks said...

Its funny how it can take so long for us/humans to forgive one another sometimes over the littlest things. Its awesome God gave you the strength to reach out to one another for forgiveness. Theres always 2 sides of a story even though we don't always take the time look. Keep your head up and show your kids that through everything God is always there and that will be the greatest gift you could ever teach/give them.

Growin' with it! said...

how incredibly sweet to hear how you've been blessed w/o expecting it just by being obedient and true to yourself & God. proud of you carolynn!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

You are so amazing. Never let your past, or people in your past tell you otherwise. You have grown, you have matured, and you have CHANGED. Good for you for being so open and willing to talk about these things. I guarentee there is somebody out there that needed to read this.

Heather said...

Forgiveness requires us to forgive ourselves.

Robin @ Be Still and Know said...

Well done, opening yourself up to another person like that and seeking forgiveness, well it is one of the hardest things we as Christians ever do.