I called my ex-husband and asked for forgiveness today.
I did not call X.
Sorry, I'll give that a minute to sink in. I don't talk about him, ever. He's my oldest son's biological father. We got married when I was 19 and pregnant. How 'bout that for before I knew the Lord? Young, dumb and wildly in love turned into young, dumb and scared out of our minds. It couldn't have ended well. It should have ended better.
It ended with broken hearts and messed up minds. We both ran, fast and hard, in opposite directions. Him away, me to X. I'm sure now, 11 years later, there were 2 sides. Then I only saw my own. I saw a man that didn't want me, our son, or the one he made before me. I saw indifference. The night he told me if I died he would put our son up for adoption I stopped loving him. There's no fixing what you don't care about. He terminated his parental rights so X could adopt my son.
So that's where it ended. Right? I was listening to a message on forgiveness last night. Played it over and over again, stayed up til 1:00. And then it hit me. Not only had I chosen to blatantly and brashly not forgive him all these years. I never asked him to forgive me.
What kind of a messed up stupid girl do you think I was? 19 years old, playing house, and looking for salvation in the wrong place. Do you think he stood a chance? I was running from a messed up childhood, ignorant "adulthood" and expecting "dreams really do come true." He was indifferent. I was selfish. Mix those up... Kaboom.
I don't regret the split. I regret the years of anger since. I don't regret X either. Because I will never regret my children. X likes to remind me I am the common denominator in 2 failed marriages. I suppose that's true. Uncensored, with eyes wide open though, I can do something about it. If I don't learn from that stupid girl, neither will my daughter. If I don't teach my sons... neither will yours.
Do you know what he said to me? "I've had a long time to think, I'm sorry too. And all that aside, you're a sister in Christ." Do you know what we managed to do apart that we've never done together? Put a black eye on the devil today, yes sir we did.