Sunday, November 1, 2009

One Year Later

This week as the anniversary drew near, a battle raged within me. Regret and gratitude. Today, by the power of Christ in me, I can say gratitude won. But in the heat of it, I was choking. Choking on the ghosts of who we were, where we came from.

One year ago I wrote, "He Said It With a Note"
He left today. Left me and our children. He said it with a note. We've been in on again off again counseling for years. But I didn't see this coming. Not so much that it's over; the end was near. But that he deceived us. That he snuck out of this family during the second church service. Came home, packed his clothes, left a note on the table and the song Forgiveness repeating on the kitchen stereo, and has refused to answer my calls. He said, "I'll see you later" to me at church and left a vague outline for visitation in his letter. He didn't even say goodbye to our children. In the first hour I would have crawled on broken glass soaked in lemon juice, done anything. But the longer he won't answer my calls, the more I read his Dear Jane letter, the longer I contemplate how I alone have to explain this to our three children... Please pray for them. Us grownups, we'll be fine. The children will too, but they'll never be the same. My heart is more broken for that than all the love lost. I have no words.

Last night, as I got my children ready for trick or treating alone, I remembered every minute of being a family at the same time a year ago. As I fought the panic rising in my throat, I put one foot in front of the other. Just as I have for 364 days. The house filled with people. With laughter; with love. Yes, I cracked when the children weren't watching. But yes, yes, yes He was with me.

Max Lucado wrote something to the effect of, when sheep come before their shepherd to be anointed with oil, they do not understand the oil soothes, or repels the flies. They simply know something amazing happens in the presence of the Master... and so it is with us. Amen.

This morning we went to church. We came home. And I did not, as my sister assured me, turn into a pumpkin. I raise my hands in praise to the One who knows. And He holds me close to the Father's heart with His. I still limp, but I'm not angry. Today I choose forgiveness again.

The Lord giveth and taketh away... Blessed be the Name of the Lord,


Sara said...

I can not begin to tell you how you inspire me. I remember this vividly. I remember feeling helpless, angry at how cruel someone could be...I remember feeling my heart break for you, for your children and yes even X. I am SO inspired by the way you have kept your eys UP, you have kept your arms UP. Your sight, your reach have remained on Jesus.
Nope, there are no pumpkins here! I see something radiant! Love you Lady!!!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Praying for you! The first year is supposed to be the hardest and you made it :)

Growin' with it! said...

what a day of victory, triumph and GOD! He has brought you thru that day, held you tight, lifted your chin and continues to bring out that beautiful woman that you are. He is so very faithful! i'm proud of you carolynn and grateful to be a part of the audience watching you blossom!

Erin K. said...

You've been in my thoughts and prayers this weekend.

Glad you didn't turn into a pumpkin, and here's hoping that your happily ever after is just around the corner. :)

imbeingheldhostage said...

Oh C, I have been thinking about you this week and wondering how you were doing. You are amazing, just as you were then. I LOVED the writing for this post, as much as I love the standard you set for those around you. I just need to follow your example more in my life!

*hugs* and happy, full, rich with blessings autumn days ahead.

Rach@In His Hands said...

Where would we be without HIM??? Giving thanks to the One who heals and blesses and loves and teaches and forgives.

You inspire me, friend....BIG hugs to you today!

Dawn said...

What a journey you've been on these last 12 months... and what amazing progress you've made in finding yourself in HIM!

I stand in awe of you as you've shared this journey with us. And, I've prayed for you this morning as you begin the next year in this journey!

Be blessed, Carolynn!!!

Mayhem and Moxie said...

I am so, so very proud of you as I read this post. You are amazing. To see how far you have come is humbling. I wish you many more happy memories this holiday season.

One day at a time....


Debbie said...

I look back at the past year and see the unbelievable personal growth you have had! It has been incredible. You must be so much stronger now than a year ago. Be proud of yourself!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Wow. That was powerful. Thanks for sharing.

RockWallaby said...

Missing you Carolynn.
Hope you are travelling well.
May the next year forward see you progress as far as you've come in this past year.
Warm Wishes

Dawn said...

Hey, Carolynn...

Haven't heard from you in awhile so I'm just stopping by to check on you. I pray all is well with you and your little one.

Be blessed!!!