Thursday, June 25, 2009

I'm Amazed

I called X tonight. It was a brief, mostly one sided, conversation.
"I forgive you."

They were the hardest 3 words I've ever said.

God has brought forgiving X to me again and again in the last few weeks. I've been praying about it, because I knew I should, and I didn't want to. I didn't want to let it go, but the distance between right and happy are miles apart. I heard forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. I have wrestled with the understanding this choice may need to be made again and again.

The Bible says Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:12-15)

The thing about forgiveness is it is undeserved. Did we deserve it? No, but God gave it. What did Jesus say at the end? Forgive them Father, for they know not. I expected to call X with a decided forgiveness. In the end I called him and meant every word. We are called to forgive from the heart. (Matthew 18:35)

Satan has come after me with a vengeance this week. And this is why. Because he knows the choice to be kept in this pit is mine alone.

Did you know that when an elephant is sick, it is surrounded by the herd? They press in and hold the infirm one up. Because they know should it lay down, it surely means death. Thank you for pressing in, holding me up today. God did break the silence... he put a new song in my mouth.

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me.

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, rejoice over you with singing. (Zephania 3:17)

I am weary tonight. I am in the fire. But I will make it.

Please Press In,
Carolynn

10 comments:

Forgotten Katalyst said...

Instead of looking at the fire as something that is bad, look at it as being shown the light you are capable of. Let the flames lick at you; not to harm, but to strengthen your soul.

forever folding laundry said...

You know that forgiveness is for YOUR benefit, rather than for his.

And you're right. You will make it. And you'll make it very well.

Proud of you!!

~Keri

Sara@i.Sass said...

We are refined by the fire. You are just sharping that tip in the fire, so the next time that deceiver comes whispering in your ear, you can just stick it to him. SHARP, Worthy, Follower of Mercy...
So SO proud of you!
I always knew you had some guts and grit!
You know I love you.

imbeingheldhostage said...

And the best gems are the ones that survive the greatest heat-- you are already amazing. We've been really focusing on forgiveness the last couple of months at our church, and FFL is SO right-- this is truly a gift to yourself (and Him), no so much to X.


Did you just call me an elephant? ;-)

Angela said...

I am in the fire. But I will make it.

amen amen amen..and when you come out of the refiners fire beloved one, not only will your clothes not be scorched, but you won't even smell of smoke.

Growin' with it! said...

can you imagine God's reaction when you said those words. proud of you sweet sister. and yes, again and again and again...just like He does with us. hope this moment is bringing you some sort of peace today.

jubilee said...

To add to Angela's remark: the only thing that is burned in the refiner's fire are the ropes (bondage) that surround us.

God is Good. All the time.

Rach@In His Hands said...

Forgiveness is SO hard, but even more so necessary and FREEING.

Praise to the one who carries us through. Amazing.

Debbie said...

Good for you! How freeing forgiveness is.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

You took the biggest, hardest step! You will be better from it. I am proud of you --((hugs))