We're almost there... May 1st we move out of the village and into our own place. Everything comes out of storage. Can't even remember what went in, haven't seen all our earthly possessions since Christmas of 2008. We've learned to live without them, but don't think we don't want them back!
I'm getting a new laptop in the next 6 weeks, and when that happens, I think I'll break radio silence here at Willow Tree. A lot has changed, somethings never will... and I haven't been ready to write yet. It will come.
I did join the gym and lost 12 lbs and counting. Guess I looked in the mirror a couple months ago and thought Who ARE You?? Last year was for surviving... it wasn't enough. "...I came that they may have life and life more abundantly." (John 10:10)
I can say, for the first time in a very long time, I am happy. I forgot what that feels like. I don't intend to ever again.
Dear IRS - HURRY UP on the Refund,
Carolynn
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Friday, December 4, 2009
Four Letter Words
It is snowing.
I'm not pleased.
If you'll notice, snow is a four letter word. Especially in Wisconsin, where just 2 years ago we got eight feet of it. Not to mention all our veteran snow drivers act like they've lived in the tropics all their lives the first time we drive in it each year.
I'm not the only one using four letter words these days. This week when I picked up my 10 year old son from daycare, the conversation went something like this...
Teacher: I heard you said a bad word
Son: No I didn't
Teacher: Friend said you did, please tell me what you said
Son: I said son of b!$@%
Teahcer: You can't say that; that's a bad word
Son: Really? I saw it on Cat In The Hat, I think that's rated G
Now seriously, we watched it together on Thanksgiving. On ABC Family. He heard correctly. My jaw about hit the floor when Mike Myers said it.
There's been a lot of rearranging of visitation lately, which drives the kiddies up the wall. Right behind you. In the snow. I'm cranky. Trying to remember, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." ~Abraham Lincoln
So tomorrow we'll pay a visit to Santa at the mall. Try for the millionth time to get all the laundry done and put away (even for an hour!), pick out a Christmas Tree, and we'll watch a new Veggie Tales movie.
Quote That My Boy,
Carolynn
I'm not pleased.
If you'll notice, snow is a four letter word. Especially in Wisconsin, where just 2 years ago we got eight feet of it. Not to mention all our veteran snow drivers act like they've lived in the tropics all their lives the first time we drive in it each year.
I'm not the only one using four letter words these days. This week when I picked up my 10 year old son from daycare, the conversation went something like this...
Teacher: I heard you said a bad word
Son: No I didn't
Teacher: Friend said you did, please tell me what you said
Son: I said son of b!$@%
Teahcer: You can't say that; that's a bad word
Son: Really? I saw it on Cat In The Hat, I think that's rated G
Now seriously, we watched it together on Thanksgiving. On ABC Family. He heard correctly. My jaw about hit the floor when Mike Myers said it.
There's been a lot of rearranging of visitation lately, which drives the kiddies up the wall. Right behind you. In the snow. I'm cranky. Trying to remember, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." ~Abraham Lincoln
So tomorrow we'll pay a visit to Santa at the mall. Try for the millionth time to get all the laundry done and put away (even for an hour!), pick out a Christmas Tree, and we'll watch a new Veggie Tales movie.
Quote That My Boy,
Carolynn
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Bestie Trip
Has it seriously been a month since I posted? ::waving hand:: Miss you! Lest you think I've been crying in my pillow, fear not. I actually put my big girl britches on and got to livin again. Enough is enough. I haven't been able to blog because my laptop is reduced to a fancy solitaire machine. No volume, no internet, and the battery is a joke too. When I can borrow my stepbrother's laptop, and sleep doesn't tip the scale, I'll be here. Santa, if you're listening....
My sister and I took a road trip to see Sam Bradley and Bobby Long play and had more fun than I remembered how to. If they're in your area, GO!
Kat and me (pay no attention to the random guy checkin her out!)
Sam and Kat
Me and Bobby
He plays the most beautiful guitar I've ever seen
She's my Bestie.
I learned a lot as we drove. (and drove and drove) This is probably a given, but road trippin with your bestie is a whole different experience than with 3 little ones and a spider. And watching the shows? It was almost a spiritual experience. I've never seen musicians like this; the music poured out of them. I may or may not have had a fan girl moment when we got in the car.
This is not everyday life, but it was a spectacular weekend. It's possible, I'm finding, to embrace both halves of myself. Mom and Me. Because I'm both. I've been starving half for a long time, in an effort to boost the other. Turns out I was crippling both. Last year I survived. This year I intend to thrive.
I was dreading Thanksgiving all week, but I came home on Wednesday night to Chex Mix and all of a sudden there it was, a spark I thought was doused. I've been fighting Christmas, X gets my children again this year (long story), but this morning as I drank peppermint coffee on the front porch, there it was, an ember.
I love it when God gets pushy with me for my own good. If snacks and coffee can bring sparks and embers, He alone will certainly bring the bonfire. I'll bring dreams and the marshmallows.
Cheers,
Carolynn
My sister and I took a road trip to see Sam Bradley and Bobby Long play and had more fun than I remembered how to. If they're in your area, GO!
Kat and me (pay no attention to the random guy checkin her out!)
Sam and Kat
Me and Bobby
He plays the most beautiful guitar I've ever seen
She's my Bestie.
I learned a lot as we drove. (and drove and drove) This is probably a given, but road trippin with your bestie is a whole different experience than with 3 little ones and a spider. And watching the shows? It was almost a spiritual experience. I've never seen musicians like this; the music poured out of them. I may or may not have had a fan girl moment when we got in the car.This is not everyday life, but it was a spectacular weekend. It's possible, I'm finding, to embrace both halves of myself. Mom and Me. Because I'm both. I've been starving half for a long time, in an effort to boost the other. Turns out I was crippling both. Last year I survived. This year I intend to thrive.
I was dreading Thanksgiving all week, but I came home on Wednesday night to Chex Mix and all of a sudden there it was, a spark I thought was doused. I've been fighting Christmas, X gets my children again this year (long story), but this morning as I drank peppermint coffee on the front porch, there it was, an ember.
I love it when God gets pushy with me for my own good. If snacks and coffee can bring sparks and embers, He alone will certainly bring the bonfire. I'll bring dreams and the marshmallows.
Cheers,
Carolynn
Sunday, November 1, 2009
One Year Later
This week as the anniversary drew near, a battle raged within me. Regret and gratitude. Today, by the power of Christ in me, I can say gratitude won. But in the heat of it, I was choking. Choking on the ghosts of who we were, where we came from.
One year ago I wrote, "He Said It With a Note"
He left today. Left me and our children. He said it with a note. We've been in on again off again counseling for years. But I didn't see this coming. Not so much that it's over; the end was near. But that he deceived us. That he snuck out of this family during the second church service. Came home, packed his clothes, left a note on the table and the song Forgiveness repeating on the kitchen stereo, and has refused to answer my calls. He said, "I'll see you later" to me at church and left a vague outline for visitation in his letter. He didn't even say goodbye to our children. In the first hour I would have crawled on broken glass soaked in lemon juice, done anything. But the longer he won't answer my calls, the more I read his Dear Jane letter, the longer I contemplate how I alone have to explain this to our three children... Please pray for them. Us grownups, we'll be fine. The children will too, but they'll never be the same. My heart is more broken for that than all the love lost. I have no words.
Last night, as I got my children ready for trick or treating alone, I remembered every minute of being a family at the same time a year ago. As I fought the panic rising in my throat, I put one foot in front of the other. Just as I have for 364 days. The house filled with people. With laughter; with love. Yes, I cracked when the children weren't watching. But yes, yes, yes He was with me.
Max Lucado wrote something to the effect of, when sheep come before their shepherd to be anointed with oil, they do not understand the oil soothes, or repels the flies. They simply know something amazing happens in the presence of the Master... and so it is with us. Amen.
This morning we went to church. We came home. And I did not, as my sister assured me, turn into a pumpkin. I raise my hands in praise to the One who knows. And He holds me close to the Father's heart with His. I still limp, but I'm not angry. Today I choose forgiveness again.
The Lord giveth and taketh away... Blessed be the Name of the Lord,
Carolynn
One year ago I wrote, "He Said It With a Note"
He left today. Left me and our children. He said it with a note. We've been in on again off again counseling for years. But I didn't see this coming. Not so much that it's over; the end was near. But that he deceived us. That he snuck out of this family during the second church service. Came home, packed his clothes, left a note on the table and the song Forgiveness repeating on the kitchen stereo, and has refused to answer my calls. He said, "I'll see you later" to me at church and left a vague outline for visitation in his letter. He didn't even say goodbye to our children. In the first hour I would have crawled on broken glass soaked in lemon juice, done anything. But the longer he won't answer my calls, the more I read his Dear Jane letter, the longer I contemplate how I alone have to explain this to our three children... Please pray for them. Us grownups, we'll be fine. The children will too, but they'll never be the same. My heart is more broken for that than all the love lost. I have no words.
Last night, as I got my children ready for trick or treating alone, I remembered every minute of being a family at the same time a year ago. As I fought the panic rising in my throat, I put one foot in front of the other. Just as I have for 364 days. The house filled with people. With laughter; with love. Yes, I cracked when the children weren't watching. But yes, yes, yes He was with me.
Max Lucado wrote something to the effect of, when sheep come before their shepherd to be anointed with oil, they do not understand the oil soothes, or repels the flies. They simply know something amazing happens in the presence of the Master... and so it is with us. Amen.
This morning we went to church. We came home. And I did not, as my sister assured me, turn into a pumpkin. I raise my hands in praise to the One who knows. And He holds me close to the Father's heart with His. I still limp, but I'm not angry. Today I choose forgiveness again.
The Lord giveth and taketh away... Blessed be the Name of the Lord,
Carolynn
Monday, October 19, 2009
Disgraceful
A local 20 year old woman heard this at her interview last week, "Oh no, we don't hire your kind. You should apply at Goodwill, they hire people like you." She has autism. If you can believe one worse, this happened at Savers. They are the for profit branch of Easter Seals.
For SHAME.
One of my family members works with a support agency that helps families with children who have developmental disabilities find resources in the community. Her coworker heard the interviewer say it. I wonder if she fell of her chair.
I don't know if her family intends to sue, but, I'm sorry, did that recently become legal? Or almost not wrong? I'll never spend a dollar there again. I like a good deal as much as the next gal, but not when it costs that much.
Seems to me, it wasn't the one with autism, that had the disability.
Baffled,
Carolynn
For SHAME.
One of my family members works with a support agency that helps families with children who have developmental disabilities find resources in the community. Her coworker heard the interviewer say it. I wonder if she fell of her chair.
I don't know if her family intends to sue, but, I'm sorry, did that recently become legal? Or almost not wrong? I'll never spend a dollar there again. I like a good deal as much as the next gal, but not when it costs that much.
Seems to me, it wasn't the one with autism, that had the disability.
Baffled,
Carolynn
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Sing
I love the musical numbers from Glee.
I used to sing. It was my first identity, my favorite escape. I had an amazing opportunity that I passed up after High School. That train left the station more than a decade ago; I was blessed with my oldest son when I was 19. I don't regret my choice, just that I stopped, let the dream fade out. It is true that you lose what you don't use.
I sing for Jesus. I sing for my babies. In the car. In the shower. In my head... and I tell myself it's enough. Because it has to be. Still, I go there in my dreams, to a dark stage, the cramped green room, the dizzying heights of the catwalks and the sound of the fly system. Downstage to dangle my legs over the edge and stare up at the sound booth, waiting for one light, one mic. To dig down into my soul and pull out the song that makes me... me.
If only I wasn't petrified of being heard. Can you believe it? Horrific stage fright. I've always been back row blessed in choir, and tend to belt the whole time.
Glee stirs up old memories that I can't run from and honestly don't want to. I loved dancing in character shoes until I couldn't stand up. "Run it again!" my director shouted as he banged the drumsticks together. Gladly. Opening night jitters, closing night tears. The memories compete for attention to the point that I can't separate them, but I'm left with the feeling. The need.
To let out what God put in.
The Word says to, "Write the vision..." (Habakkuk 2:2) I'm auditioning for the Praise and Worship team at our new church on Saturday. Church is the one place I let go, because it's not about me, or the faces, it's for His Glory. I miss my choir in Minnesota so much it hurts, but I believe God has a ministry here for me. It's time to stop wasting time.
Psalm 96:1,
Carolynn
I used to sing. It was my first identity, my favorite escape. I had an amazing opportunity that I passed up after High School. That train left the station more than a decade ago; I was blessed with my oldest son when I was 19. I don't regret my choice, just that I stopped, let the dream fade out. It is true that you lose what you don't use.
I sing for Jesus. I sing for my babies. In the car. In the shower. In my head... and I tell myself it's enough. Because it has to be. Still, I go there in my dreams, to a dark stage, the cramped green room, the dizzying heights of the catwalks and the sound of the fly system. Downstage to dangle my legs over the edge and stare up at the sound booth, waiting for one light, one mic. To dig down into my soul and pull out the song that makes me... me.
If only I wasn't petrified of being heard. Can you believe it? Horrific stage fright. I've always been back row blessed in choir, and tend to belt the whole time.
Glee stirs up old memories that I can't run from and honestly don't want to. I loved dancing in character shoes until I couldn't stand up. "Run it again!" my director shouted as he banged the drumsticks together. Gladly. Opening night jitters, closing night tears. The memories compete for attention to the point that I can't separate them, but I'm left with the feeling. The need.
To let out what God put in.
The Word says to, "Write the vision..." (Habakkuk 2:2) I'm auditioning for the Praise and Worship team at our new church on Saturday. Church is the one place I let go, because it's not about me, or the faces, it's for His Glory. I miss my choir in Minnesota so much it hurts, but I believe God has a ministry here for me. It's time to stop wasting time.
Psalm 96:1,
Carolynn
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