I want to kick and scream and break some dishes.
I'm supposed to be in Hawaii right now. The trip was bought and paid for last summer. Oh, X is there alright. And he gave my ticket to a family member of his with a similar name. He wouldn't even let me rearrange the ticket, no sir. He's sitting on the beach laughing. I'm supposed to be happily married, sitting in paradise planning the rosy future of our family. (*screaming*) Everything I fought so hard for, everything I covered up, tried to fix, stayed anyway for, was for nothing. Instead I'm alone, scared, severely ticked off, and I'm determined, but desperately struggling to, keep a straight face here in the tundra of Wisconsin.
He's blown off or rearranged his visitations 3 times running. He's in Hawaii for the next 2 weeks and should have the children for the weekend after, but that just doesn't work for him. The kids are going absolutely stir crazy and are pulling me down with them.
I am beyond grateful for my parents generosity, but let me break it down. There eight people living in the house right now. Me and my children are half the population! I can't childproof everything and I can't keep them quiet or dammit even well behaved all of the time. They don't know which end is up! I will be spending my afternoon scrubbing sharpie marker off their (new!) kitchen counter and computer keyboard. I will be buying cabinet locks for the bathroom so I won't catch them playing with hazards and I will continue to look for a job.
I hope X swallows a bug in his umbrella drink tonight at his birthday party.
X transferred in $900 to his checking account before the trip. He just put in another $800. Want to guess how much child support I got this month? $19.00 cash. Oh! And the moron put the wrong alternator in my car this summer, so I just had to replace that to the tune of $350.00 too. Seriously?? Augh!!!!
It would help so much if I had found a good spirit filled church by now, but I haven't. I know that the longer I'm away the more the enemy will attempt to do business. But I also know that when I count my blessings the list is far longer than my troubles. Hebrews 10:36 says You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. Isn't that a kick in the pants to get pulled out of a funk by my children's Veggie Tales wrap up?
Last night we went to Perkins for dinner; it was a world away from the last time. If God can do this much in 30 days, how much more can He do in the next? I know that once the paperwork gets put through the ball will start rolling. I know that when it does it will bring its own set of challenges. I'm just ready to be there. Where I'm sitting today, the destination looks far better than the journey... but His ways are higher than mine. Persevere. I am so grateful my God can handle me crying and pounding on His chest screaming it's not fair!
Still, a good tantrum always makes a gal feel better. Maybe now is the time to take those photos to send in with my application to TLC's What Not To Wear; I look rotten enough to be a sure pick, not to mention I'm ready to burn the clothes I was given at the Shelter. Aaaaaaand there's always day dreaming about shark attacks, volcano eruptions, or the idea X will just stay in Hawaii forever. I got your $19.00 right here buddy.
All Better Now,