Monday, January 26, 2009

A Much Needed Tantrum

I haven't posted in a while. I've been so flaming angry, I didn't want to. But I've been reminded by some dear friends that writing helps and its about time I let it out; holding it in will make me shoot off like a roman candle. Thanks for loving me through this.

I want to kick and scream and break some dishes.

I'm supposed to be in Hawaii right now. The trip was bought and paid for last summer. Oh, X is there alright. And he gave my ticket to a family member of his with a similar name. He wouldn't even let me rearrange the ticket, no sir. He's sitting on the beach laughing. I'm supposed to be happily married, sitting in paradise planning the rosy future of our family. (*screaming*) Everything I fought so hard for, everything I covered up, tried to fix, stayed anyway for, was for nothing. Instead I'm alone, scared, severely ticked off, and I'm determined, but desperately struggling to, keep a straight face here in the tundra of Wisconsin.

He's blown off or rearranged his visitations 3 times running. He's in Hawaii for the next 2 weeks and should have the children for the weekend after, but that just doesn't work for him. The kids are going absolutely stir crazy and are pulling me down with them.

I am beyond grateful for my parents generosity, but let me break it down. There eight people living in the house right now. Me and my children are half the population! I can't childproof everything and I can't keep them quiet or dammit even well behaved all of the time. They don't know which end is up! I will be spending my afternoon scrubbing sharpie marker off their (new!) kitchen counter and computer keyboard. I will be buying cabinet locks for the bathroom so I won't catch them playing with hazards and I will continue to look for a job.

I hope X swallows a bug in his umbrella drink tonight at his birthday party.

X transferred in $900 to his checking account before the trip. He just put in another $800. Want to guess how much child support I got this month? $19.00 cash. Oh! And the moron put the wrong alternator in my car this summer, so I just had to replace that to the tune of $350.00 too. Seriously?? Augh!!!!

It would help so much if I had found a good spirit filled church by now, but I haven't. I know that the longer I'm away the more the enemy will attempt to do business. But I also know that when I count my blessings the list is far longer than my troubles. Hebrews 10:36 says You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. Isn't that a kick in the pants to get pulled out of a funk by my children's Veggie Tales wrap up?

Last night we went to Perkins for dinner; it was a world away from the last time. If God can do this much in 30 days, how much more can He do in the next? I know that once the paperwork gets put through the ball will start rolling. I know that when it does it will bring its own set of challenges. I'm just ready to be there. Where I'm sitting today, the destination looks far better than the journey... but His ways are higher than mine. Persevere. I am so grateful my God can handle me crying and pounding on His chest screaming it's not fair!

Still, a good tantrum always makes a gal feel better. Maybe now is the time to take those photos to send in with my application to TLC's What Not To Wear; I look rotten enough to be a sure pick, not to mention I'm ready to burn the clothes I was given at the Shelter. Aaaaaaand there's always day dreaming about shark attacks, volcano eruptions, or the idea X will just stay in Hawaii forever. I got your $19.00 right here buddy.

All Better Now,


Growin' with it! said...

YOU GO GIRL! let it all out! does feel better doesn't it? and I know one particular ruler of the universe who hears ya and has your heart clutched right there in his hands!

i soooo feel for you being "trapped" in a sense w/ the living conditions, circumstances and l.i.f.e. i won't offer the cliches...just lovin'...all the love as you survive this.

btw...i'd FOR SURE vote for you on WNTW.

Ron said...

hey kiddo ..

great to hear ya back on here .. I have info for you .. will send email .. empathize with ya on the support thing .. TJ's ex had a $5000 plus settlement in his pocket and the judge ordered him to pay $100 a month for 4 kids .. sucks .. but she survived and thrived .. God is good

Kieliszeks said...

I think I would be a little upset about the Hawaii thing too with it freezing outside right now. Keep going forward with your head held up and you'll get there soon enough.

Heather of the EO said...

Please tell me you stomped your feet and punched something while writing this. Tantrums are good for the soul. Your faith is still shouting from the roof tops, you're amazing. I'm so sorry about Hawaii and $19 and ALL of it. You need to vent. You would explode otherwise.

Prayers for you,

OH, and P.S. I did a post last week about how I'm going to continue being as frumpy as possible so I'll get picked for What Not to Wear! :) It's a fun daydream.

Katalyst said...

May fire ants infest his underbritches and he get food poisoning from his birthday cake.


seriously? said...

I am totally giving him the finger right now!! I do NOT understand how people can be like this. At some point, they must look back and say "WTH was I thinkin when I did that?" Just keep your eyes up and your head forward. Kiss your sweet kiddos at night and remember that it is all about them. They will appreciate your stability in the end. he in 7th grade? He sure acts like it...Hang in there.

seriously? said...

PS...glad you are back. I was getting worried about you, Willow Tree. :)

Annette said...

Oh Carolynn, I am so sorry. Well, just think going to Hawaii will only remind you of x. Right???
Anyway, I am glad you are back and back with some spunk!!!! I was getting worried about you but now I can see you are going to be just fine. Keep looking to Him for guidance. He will get you where you need to be. Things happen for a reason and in the end you will see the rewards.

Hang in there and I will be praying for you and your children.

Debbie said...

Not even my trademarked childish humor seems appropriate right now. Bless you heart. What a load of crap for you to have to put up with. Vent all you want. We will listen. And we will always, always be on your side.
I've been missing you!

forever folding laundry said...

You feel free to rant any time you want, and know that we are all ranting right along with you. Like Seriously said, one day your children will understand what is going on and they will know that you were the parent that did everything you could for them. Hang in there, and know that he will pay for this betrayal in the end.

AND, I say you apply for What Not to Wear so many times that they get sick of you and choose you for the show just to get you off their back!! =)


3 Bay B Chicks said...

I know you probably don't swear, so I am going to say this on your behalf...your X is a shit. It pains my very soul to read what he is doing. I know that you are a stronger, better person that he will ever be, but the situation absolutely sucks. Vent all you want to here. You rants will always be answered by your friends.


Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Hawaii may seem warm and paradise-like right now, but my guess is it's more likely that God is pouring down blessings on a househould of 8 somewhere in Wisconsin. And peace of conscience feels way better than sand in your toes and weight in your soul. Hang in there... it will all work out for good.

(And if you're still looking for a congregation in Wisconsin, you have my email and I'll hook you up with some folks that would receive you with open arms...)

Sara@I.Sass said...

Love the song!
I am proud of you for letting it out and calling on us! There are so many of us out here that care about you! and are lifting you up in prayer. Carolynn, you can be SO funny, even in your tantrums.

minnesotamom said...

Man, Carolynn! And I thought I had it tough yesterday--you sure are dealing with stuff hardcore!

I am so encouraged that even though the tantrums come, you are trusting in God and finding solace in scripture. His simplest wisdom (such as through Veggie Tales) is often the perfect thing we need to hear. I am praying for a job, for renewal of your spirit, and that things will shape up once the paperwork is all done.

SuperAunt said...

Did you know that impersonating someone, and presenting a ticket that isn't yours to an airline is a federal offense under the homeland security act and that Chris could be arrested for giving your ticket to someone else possibly brought up on charges and serve time????? Just food for thought.

Blessed said...

I can dream about fireants, shark attacks, volcano eruptions, tsunami's and bugs in his drink too...

I understand the need to rant - go for it lady that's what we're here for!

jubilee said...

Whew! Even I feel better after that rant!

Sometimes venting is the best way to process. You go girl.

As difficult as missing Hawaii is, just think, you have a Heavenly reward that is much better and will last a lot longer.