Just Eat Your Brownie

I logged on to blog and couldn't think of a single thing to write. It felt really good to read all of yours, even if I have demoted myself to lurking, because I'm just so tired. Happy, blessed, but tired. So I dug through my old blog and this one really spoke to me... I'm finally to the place where I can pick and choose which parts of my past I want to bring with me into my fresh start; this is one of them.

Last year when my oldest son was on vacation with Grandma in Florida, a storm moved through one night. She was in another room, he was eating a brownie at her kitchen table, when the power went out. She heard him scoot his chair back right away; to get up and go where, it's hard to say. She called out, "Just eat your brownie." He replied with a "huh?" Here comes wisdom. Her response was, "well so what if the lights went out, you still know where you are at the table, and your brownie still tastes good, even in the dark." Genius.

Stay with me here, is that not deep? At the very least life applicable? Next time someone starts complaining (yes, even you and me), say, "just eat your brownie." Be grateful for what you do have when the lights go out; don't consider your blessing lost just because your circumstances have darkened.

She's One Smart cookie Brownie,
Carolynn

Note To Self

Dear Self,

You are almost 30 years old. For crying out loud, don't you know you can't sit down for "just a minute" when the alarm clock goes off at dawn? Sheesh.

That is all.

I Mean Really,
Carolynn

All The Single Mama's

To all the single mama's in the blogosphere I salute you. Wow-za. The only time I've had to blog I've used to sleep. I'm talking the stop-moving-at-10:00-fall-into-bed-and-pass-out-from-
exhaustion-until-dawn-rolls-around kind of sleep. All of a sudden I looked up and 7 days have passed!

I started my new job and L-O-V-E it. Cannot say enough good things about it! It is so clear how intentionally part of His plan for my healing it is, that I am where I am. No accidents in the Kingdom! He has made some divine connections and I am starting to find a bit more of me. The other day I looked in the mirror and thought, "oh there you are! I know you."

Remember when I said my youngest 2 were fine? What did I know. They loved the first 2 days. And have hated the last 3. Apparently the novelty of day care has worn off and they're fully aware this routine is not temporary. May I just add they are not big fans. My daughter has cried the entire day for the last 2. (that's a total of 18 hours y'all.) My son sobbed all the way there (30 minute commute) because the teacher, "makes me take a naaaaaap!" Poor guy. I feel awful for them, but that one gave me a laugh. Laugh or cry, laugh or cry.

Their teachers are great. I trust them when they tell me this too shall pass. Because every child goes through it. Just doesn't make me feel a whole lot better when it's my babies we're talking about. Of course it could be worse; I could be crying about going to work too. Then we'd be a sorry lot for sure.

I still ache for a home of my own, but I'm understanding the value of the village. You know, takes a village to raise a child? I'm praising God for this village every day. Every time dinner is made, a basket of laundry is folded, or a lost set of mittens is found I am grateful. Honestly I'm a little panicked about doing it all, all on my own. So I'm slowing down. I'm watching the single mother's around me, and pulling out the pieces I think will work best for us. Someday I too will be able to help a new single mother by making her laugh with the best line I've heard yet, "been there, done that, got the t-shirt. And you can too."

One Day At A Time,
Carolynn

A-Z About Me

Attached or Single? Single.

Best Friend? My sister.

Cake or Pie? My Grams' German Chocolate Cake. Have mercy, could she make a cake.

Day of Choice? Sunday!

Essential Item? Cherry coke. I can say with all sincerity that I am addicted to soda. I quit smoking years ago, nicotine's got nothing on this stuff. If they made a soda patch I'd wear 7.

Flavor of Ice Cream? Pistachio or Blue Moon

Gummy Bears or Worms? blech. My favorite candy is those neon orange circus peanuts. Don't judge me.

Hometown? Madison, Wisconsin

Indulgences? Staying up really late to read.

January or July? July! Summer doesn't last all that long here.

Kids? 3, the true loves of my life.

Last Movie I Saw in the Theater? Australia! Hey Katalyst, want to go see it?? (I've been hounding her since um, December to go with me.)

Middle Name? Kay

Number of Siblings? 1

Oranges or Apples? Apples; citrus fruit makes my face funny, like eating sour candy nothankyouverymuch.

Phobia or Fear? I'm phobic about anything with more than 4 legs (or less than 2)! For sure the big uglies, but I'm telling you even Asian Beetles freak me out. There is no such thing as a pretty bug; even butterflies make me nervous. Big ugly bug in the middle.

Quote? Victory belongs to those who believe in it the most and believe in it the longest. We're gonna believe.

Reason to Smile? I got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart!

Season? It used to be Autumn, but now it is definitely Spring, when all things are New. Of course up here the actual seasons are Almost winter, Winter, Still winter and Road construction.

Tag 5 More I can't decide, if you play along let me know!

Unknown Fact About Me? I wanted to be on Broadway... and I have horrific stage fright. I can only sing at church, for my children, or in the car.

Vegetarian or Carnivore? I'm way too picky of an eater to be a vegetarian; I'd likely starve to death.

Worst Habit? Procrastination and biting my fingers. Note to self: start working on not doing that. Both. Again.

Ultrasounds or X-rays? Ultrasounds! You get X-rays when something is broke. To be clear, I am very done having babies, but oh how I will miss seeing my child move inside my body. Mind Blowing.

Your Favorite Food? Cheese and potatoes any way you make it, slice it, or dice it. All the better if they're together.

Zodiac? Taurus and I'm stubborn as all get out, but I don't believe the hocus pocus of horiscopes.

That's All Folks,
Carolynn

Revisiting Last Times

On my old blog I wrote a post called Last Times. Tonight I can't help but realize this is the last night I will ever be a Stay at Home Mother. I am excited about what God has in store for us, but just for tonight, I want to stop the clock, stretch it out. Tonight the lullabies will go on and on.

Last Times, Baby Tunnel Exodus, June 2008...

I'm a big fan of "last times" ...in a kind of weird way. I have to know; I'm obsessed with closure. Take the day the exersaucer went to the basement. I literally went down there, brought it back, set it up and put my daughter in it (she was less than enthused, there was a reason it was put away). Then I could let it go knowing it was the last time my children would use it.

That being said, another mile of my daughter's babyness has been crossed... she is sleeping in a twin bed. Around 11:00 on the last night in her crib I crept into her room, picked up my sleepy baby girl in her footy pajamas and we rocked in the moon light one last time. I am excited for all the big girl things coming our way, but I will miss - to my very core - the honor of rocking my child, her breath on my neck, back to sleep in the closest thing I can name to Heavenly Peace.

I memorized her nursery for the last time, knowing tomorrow it would be a big girl room. I closed my eyes to close that out and rested my head on hers to remember. Breathing in her lavender scent I remembered how it felt to rock her in the beginning. In that moment I was grateful for every day, every sleepless hour, I nursed her. I remembered the first morning I went in to pick her up and she was standing up by herself and waving at me. I remembered the sound of her playing alone in her crib, safe and content, as she started waking up without a 5 alarm demand to eat. I cherished the times she tried out her new voice by calling out to us in the morning, "Mama? Maaaamaaaa? ...Dada? DADA!" We rocked for a long time that night. We rocked past the anguish of the day our doctor tested her tiny body for leukemia. We rocked through her healing; rocked past the last first crawl, the last first steps. We rocked through her babyness.

When I returned my last baby to her crib for the last time, yes, my heart ached. Yes, I momentarily wavered in the unchangeable decision to be done having babies. Yes I cried. But did I regret it? Not for an instant. There was a day not too long ago that I fell on my knees and begged God to grow her up! A time that I counted her calories, and prayed her out of "Failure to Thrive." God has blessed us beyond measure! I was sad it was the final last time, but I am so grateful to see her grow.

The Bible says, The Lord your God is with you. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephania 3:17) I knew as I whispered Brahms in the dark to my baby girl that I would sing it to her the next day when she was a big girl, and again in the next chapter when she needs it. I will sing it over her all her life, as the Lord sings over us. May I be blessed enough to one day sing it over my children's children.

I'm so grateful there's no such thing as the last time for lullabies.

Goodnight Moon,
Carolynn

In the Top of the Willow Tree

When I opened my blog back up it felt so good, but when I came down from that I thought, "hmm, now what?" My last blog had a clearly defined purpose; coming out of the Baby Tunnel. But this one? This has been my sanctuary. A fresh start. A lifeline to the new normal in the worst part of the darkness. Now that there's light...?

I know what I don't want Willow Tree to be; a collection of sob stories, poor me tales and woes. Because I really believe blogs reflect the lives of their writers. And that's not the kind of life I want! I want this page to be me. Honest, funny, pleasing to Him and real. Will I have another tantrum? It's possible. Will I turn another corner? You better believe it. But what I really want is to laugh again.

I've been praying about what to write... you know He has a sense of humor. Here's what He gave me, "Children are notorious for driving mothers up a tree. Welcome to mine." After all, isn't the blogosphere really a forest of all our trees?

Let's Laugh,
Carolynn

Unapologeticly Me

I'm back! Willow Tree has been opened back up because I've decided to be unapologeticly me.

To my faithful circle I send out love and hugs; know that you have been integral in my long road home. I love you guys.

Nothing to hide, no one to fear. Dang, that feels good.

This Is Mine,
Carolynn

Would You Like A Sticker?

Thank you Jesus and thank you for praying! I Got The Job, I start next Friday! I'm thrilled, it's a terrific mission and working in an office that speaks the name of our Savior is exactly what I need.

I found childcare close by for my youngest son and daughter (oldest is in school). I can pop in on a break or a whim to check on them, we can have lunch together every day if I would like to! That makes the transition so much easier on me. They're fine. We went to check out the center and they were like, "see ya mom!" I'm a puddle on the inside... in the back of my mind I'm still a little bitter about not having the next 2 years at home with my children like I was "supposed" to. But I remind myself the alternative, the price of that, is one I could not bear to pay another day.

So this will be good for all of us. I'll get to put makeup on and talk to grown ups, they'll get a head start on social development. Plus, let's face it, we all appreciate a macaroni art project a little more when it wasn't our dining room that was destroyed in the process. And assistance in potty training a two year old? I rest my case.

Since I only received $19.00 of child support in January, I don't have high hopes for February; even with my victorious new job, I'll need another. Would you like a sticker? I'm practicing while I wait for my interviews with Wal-Mart and Target for a nights and weekends job. If God hadn't given me humor I'd have waved the white flag a long time ago.

When we first came to Wisconsin I was hoping for a quick fix of my destroyed life. Six weeks later I understand a solid fix, one that's built a lesson at a time, is what will last us. I'm changing habits, thought patterns, our path, one day at a time. I do believe I'm getting ready to see the mountaintop.

The Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast desert... the Lord your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything. (Deuteronomy 2:7)

High Five,
Carolynn

Mayberry

There are days I'm sure the world could fix itself if everyone adopted a Mayberry state of mind.

What is the world coming to when delivery drivers are being robbed at gunpoint??

But then I am reminded that even Mayberry had crime... they had a Sheriff, a Deputy and a frequently used jail, after all. I'm supposed to hear back about a job tomorrow. It's an administrative job with a national Christian organization dedicated to spreading the Gospel in college campuses. Things are really starting to look up! I still have a long way to walk, but I feel like I'm finally out of the tunnel.

I'm going to open my blog back up soon too. Bit by bit, step by step, I'll make my own Mayberry... and I'm The Sheriff.

Carolynn

His Hands in the Hudson

Have you seen this picture?? I got it in an email called, "What Really Happened On The Hudson."

I cheered for the crew when they came out on the field at the Superbowl. Angels do walk among us.

I Believe,
Carolynn

The Winner...

I was rooting for the underdog, but let's face it... I watched 4 hours of football for the commercials. This one was by far the crowd favorite at our house. Well, that and the Chex Mix.


Which one was your favorite? Did your team win?

Confetti!,
Carolynn